perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.