Chapter 2 in "Paths to Recovery" asks, How has the alcoholic situtation changed my sanity?
This makes the assumption that I was sane before I entered into the alcoholic marriage. I can't exactly claim that either. In relation to men, I made lots and lots of choices with men that were mean, stupid, reckless or straight-up crazy.
When I was in high school I started a bad pattern of letting particular boys come around whenever they had a fight with thier REAL girlfriend and then when they would make up, I was set back aside. There were about three of those guys in high school, and probably two more AFTER that. One of them (from high school) is my husband today.... Some girls never learn. Ever.
Had I learned not to be a doormat and somewhat of a slut- I probably would never have ended up in the life I have now. I don't think the alcoholic marriage is what screwed up my sanity. No sane person would have stayed in this life. Something in the wiring, I guess. A girlfriend of mine suggested that I'm just looking for someone to love me. Hell, I've had LOTS of men love me- a few of them still do. They just weren't the RIGHT men.
I don't know if I ever thought that my husband was Mr. Right. I don't know that I believe in that. I don't know that I believe in the idea that there is that one person who is going to fill all your empty spaces. I have met men who come close, real real close. Men who have treated me right, and been respectful and wonderful and gentle and kind- but in the end, I just didn't have enough to offer, I guess. That makes sense. We attract what we put out there. If I put out there that I'm kind of a mess, it's what I will get back. It's certainly what I HAVE gotten back thus far. The good men, didn't know what to do with me.
I dated a guy once who said when we broke up, "You know, I really love being around you- but lately, I'm starting to get these headaches...."
All I could do is thank him for his honesty. He was probably the only one who made me laugh on his way out.
So maybe my sanity was not intact when I GOT married. It probably explains why I got married in the first place. What sane person would consider the life that was ahead of me and say "I do"? A sane person would have said, "Are you f'en crazy??" But I think this situtaion, and being in Al-Anon and learning to be honest with myself has made me MORE sane than I've ever been.
So what has the alcoholic situation done to my sanity. Well, in a round about way, it's made me realize that I was lacking it before I got here- and and it's even helped me get some of it back.
3 comments:
Jules, its good that you can be honest! But, make sure you're checking out the positive side of the ledger as you review the facts about yourself. I brought my own insanity to my alcoholism to be sure. but, my alcoholism really cranked up the crazy! Now, AA has shown me the way of sanity, occasionally I follow that path, he he!
As always, I find your raw honesty
beautiful.
My husband is not an alcoholic, but he and I were each both not exactly *sane* before entering the marriage, you know?
You've probably written about your family of origin already, but what were they like?
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