at a loss

In about a week, it will be 4 months. 4 months since Christine died.

It's been a long and hard 4 months. Nothing feels the same anymore. I've made some big decisions in my life and done a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking about how I want to live my life, and how I promised myself in her death that I would live better.

A few weeks ago I talked to her mom. It took me several months to make the call- and in hearing her mom's voice, just hearing her smile and how genuinely pleased she was that I called, it tore open any healing I may have done. It's ok, there's hasn't been much. We shared some funny stories and it was nice to know that my funny stories about Christine, she had also shared with her family. It was comforting to me to know, and to hear it from someone else that I meant as much to her as she did to me.

As adults, and especially as colleagues, we are sometimes hesitant to express our emotions and how much we truly care for each other. At my old office, there was one department who would hug at the end of the day when they all walked out together. I experienced this just a few times, and even though I hugged with the group, I admit I drove away thinking how strange it was. It's just the end of the work day. What were we hugging for?? Now, I think maybe they knew what so many others didn't. That when you're friends, and EVEN when you're colleagues it's important to openly appreciate other people. I sometimes wonder if she knew how much
I appreciated her. I know that I didn't tell her often enough.

I think about her all the time. Very few things happen that I don't wonder what she'd think about that. I'm on the verge of making a big change and I keep running it over and over in my head because I can't tell her about it. I won't get her famous, "well... wait a minute." Which she always did whenever I was doing anything I might regret. She always saw something different, she never 'didn't consider' anything.

Maybe it's because I so badly need her advice and support right now, or maybe it's because so many of my favorite TV shows deal with cancer.. but she's always on my mind it seems. There's always this heavy weight that I feel and I know it's because I miss her. Sometimes- something will cross my mind and I will thing to call her. Sometimes I even reach for the phone. It's then that I wonder, did I forget? Did I forget that she's gone and is that why I want to talk to her because I stopped thinking about her? How did I stop thinking about her? How did I forget that she's dead?

I am so out of sorts. So disconnected from my own life. Distracted, depressed and angry. I move forward because I have to, but it's with little passion, little conviction. Nothing feels as good as it used to, and I don't laugh without feeling just a little guilty about it.

Is anything ever going to feel normal again?

I was watching Waiting to Exhale this morning. It's funny how the years go by and I relate to different characters in the books I loved in my 20's. Back in my very early 20's- I was Robin, the one who kept meeting the wrong men and making excuses. Now, I think I'm more Bernadine.

"I thought that if I gave him what needed, he'd give me what I need."

Yeah, I don't think that anymore. Now it's more like, "I hope if I give him what he needs- he'll stay out of my way."

Nobody seems to understand my decisions and that's fine. A friend of mine said, "Oh you're never going to leave him."

I said, "Now why would you go and say something like that? That's just mean."

What did I ever do to that guy???

Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes

I know, where the hell have a I been right? Well, this Financial Management class is kicking my ass. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to retake it, or if as long as I can pull a C, I will be saved by my cumulative GPA. Either way, it sucks outloud. It's essentially over on Tuesday... and I am going to spend most of the next three days getting my project and done. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I'm going to have to retake this anyway, why go through this headache? But, I'm almost done, and there's a chance I can pass with a C.

Wish me luck and I hope I'll be back more next month.

I'm not ready to start spilling about some of the things I have planned. Big decisions and big changes and I don't want to jinx anything by claiming that things are happening. I can just say that things are falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my decisions are good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, probably because it's so rare that I make a good decision I just don't trust it.

But you'll know soon enough, cause we all know I don't keep my mouth shut.

In the mean time, look at this picture of my new kitty.

Someday

I love this song, and this video.

You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Things to come

Its funny how fast things can change. How sometimes one little thing happens that sort of changes everything. I said recently on Facebook, something about how at any instant your life can change so drastically, but when it does change- it usually isn't something good. It's usually because you get hit by a bus, or have a stroke or get caught up in an embezzlement/ sex scandal.

Sometimes maybe you win the lottery... ok, sometimes it can be instant and good. But you hear about the bad things more often.

So now there's some planning in the works. Changes. I wish they were good things like winning the lottery- but of course it's not.

Nothing ever happens quickly in my life. I'm not a 'fast mover' when it comes to big decisions. It doesn't suit me. I want to keep blogging- but I may clean it up a bit... maybe.

slight return of Half Nekkid Thursdays

I haven't been half Nekkid here in a while. I've been kind of distant and distracted and life really feels like it kind of sucks right now- it doesn't, it just FEELS like it.

Today I got a flu shot that left my arm feeling bruised and I found out that I current have just under $600 in parking tickets. Yes, you heard me....

SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS

So you can guess the mood I'm in.



Here's to a better Thursday, Wednesday can fuck off.