Someday

I love this song, and this video.

You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

It don't matter if you're black or white

1958-2009

If you had asked me a week ago, I would not have thought much about it- but today I find myself sad and reminiscent... and lacking for words. I could probably post 25 of my favorite videos here.... but I won't. I'll just post this one, because it's still one of my favorite songs of all time.

come on over...

I'm going to see him perform next week in LA.









Of all the songs from him, and Matchbox 20, I think this is really my favorite. It just feels good.



Thought I'd share it, in case you need a pick me up!!

Smoking Hot Misogyny

Eminem - New Music - More Music Videos

I know... he's rude and disrespectful to women. I don't think that anyone can argue that his music is catchy and as a rapper, he's awesome. I don't even really LIKE rap music, but I do own one of his CD's... OK, two.

I feel as a member of the estrogen club- I should dislike him. I should not like his music or watch his video every time it comes on TV, just because I like watching him dance. I fear my feminist friends will take away my girl card and strip me of my vagina privledges for admitting it.


I'm not sure what it says about me that I can't help but be kinda hot for Eminem.

bitter me

"but you were everything to me
and I was begging you
please don't go"

This is my favorite song lately. It makes me smile and at the same time makes me want to cry. Maybe because at one point I believed in this shit... and loss of innocence always sucks- no matter how ridiculous it is.



blah blah....

Clips from my favorite Holiday Movies.

See, it's funny.



And another great scene from another great Holiday movie.



What's your favorite holiday movie- and why??

And one of my favorite Christmas songs. There's no video, just audio. Enjoy it.
Seriously, isn't this a great song?
Please Come Home for Christmas by the Eagles.



So won't you tell me you'll never more roam
Christmas and new Years will find you home
There'll be no more sorrow no grief and pain
And I'll be happy, happy once again

I tell my love to wreck it all

I know that The Athiest is scratching his head right now, cause he's been telling me for fucking EVER what a great song this is- and Bon Iver this and Bon Iver that. I haven't exactly ignored him, but I just never listened as close as I did today. He may be Godless, but he's not without a soul.

And yeah, I love this song for it's hauntingly sweet sound and the way it makes me want to lay on the grass under a tree and just stare into the sky.


Bon Iver - Skinny Love

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?

Great song

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you

Who or what does this remind you of?  Comment.  Please.  

(That means YOU)

A life like Diamonds.

I don't care much for words of doom
If it's love you need then I've got the room
It's a simple thing that came to me
when I found you.
~Neil Diamond

I love this song. I have the American Idol version on my ipod cause I want to have David Cook's babies (don't tell him I can't HAVE babies anymore, my evil plan is to fuck him stupid and he won't care about the lie I've told.) Listen to it here.

I digress.

Anyway- MOST songs remind me of something, or someone. Sometimes just one line in song of 60 lines will remind me of something or someone and even the opening music will make me think of that person.

This song doesn't do that. Neil Diamond tends to make me thing of Trever, but you know- not anymore. This song is a blank slate. It makes me think of ME. Makes me want to get in my car, well maybe not MY car- but in a car. A light blue convertible and drive faster than the safe speed by the ocean, or the mountains. Or up north where there's ocean on one side of the road and mountains on the other.

---

Eleanor Rigby has some great lines in it.

To me, the thought of Rome- a city adorned with genitalia instead of vinyl siding and stucco- seemed improbable. I had to see this place.
(I think this is how I am thinking about New York, in theory)

Do I expect a bunch of naked people all over the place? No. I would not be so lucky. What I DO expect is life. Excitement. Movement. A life that is unlike my own and I hope to soak it in. I hope to fall in love with New York, the energy of it. I hope to be so sad when I leave, that I come back with an intense desire to live a life that is less like mine, and more like..

life.

Random Songs

I'm listening to Yahoo Radio and big hits of the 90's.

Everywhere- Tim McGraw.

But ever since you said good-bye
I've been out here on the wind
And baby you would be surprised
All the places you have been

This song just reminds me of better times. Maybe just times I imagined in my head, but never happened in real life.
A long lost love, the one that got away- fond memories of innocent times.

Holding hands.
Putting your hands in the other persons pocket.
Crossing your leg over his when you are sitting next to each other.

Simple signs of affection.

Crushes.

I think when I have a crush on someones mind, I tend to resort back to sweet tactics and gestures that fall way below the 'slut' persona that I have grown to love. I tend to appreciate a hand on the small of my back to guide me through a room. The way his hand brushes against mine when both are on a counter.

Every highway, just beyond the high beams
Right beside me
In all of my sweet dreams.
No matter where you choose to be
In my heart, I'll always see you
Everywhere.

Half Nekkidness Ensues

Pretend for me
That Im someone in your life

Pretend for me
Even only for a while
- Julie by David Bowie

Are you that somebody?

I got turned on to this band and this song.... The Gossip. This is a really cool cover of the song from Aaliyah.

Enjoy it.

Also here's my jeans. Nice eh??



Even the picture does not do me justice, but really- what does??

Lastly- I feel like I can't just remove my brother in laws phone number from my cell. The funeral is next week. Maybe I'll just leave it there until then. sigh...

We all want to change the world.

I worked on Saturday. Normally I would groan about it, but it was another community awareness event that we sponsored. This program has been the single most frustrating work project because it was a big event with too many chiefs for any tribe.

In the end, it was about 300 people, mostly women, learning about stroke and heart disease and it was an insane success. I truly love working these events because my lack of clinical skill means that while my attendance in required- my job is to walk around and make sure things go smoothly. I got to talk to the attendees, answer the questions that I could answer, and basically be social and gracious all day long. Yes, I can be both of those things. I love community awareness events and while it was an exhausting day and I was glad to be home, I felt like for all the stress we accomplished something fantastic.

The e-husband is back in the hospital, which seems about right. It's been about 6 weeks since his last stay so he's on schedule I guess. He's been a big baby since he got there and I have done my best to enjoy not having to listen to him bitch. I realize that I have agreed, albeit reluctantly, to spend the rest of my days with this man, but I never agreed to be his emotional punching bag. I did not leave work to take him to the hospital, my sister was in the area so she picked him up and drove him there. I had offered for days previous to take him and he refused for one reason or another. Saturday he called me in the middled of the event and practically demanded that I come home and take him to the hospital. Giving up 9 hours of overtime and an event that I had a major hand in planning. No. Simply put, I said no. My sister being in the area was a fortunate coincidence and I made arrangement to get him help. My words were, "If you need help, then I can get you some, but I cannot help you right now."

Perhaps I should feel guilty, but I don't. It's not about the money, or even the job. It's about having some boundaries. If I dropped everything, every time he had a health emergency, I would never be able to do anything. I don't know if something being important to me is a trigger for him to get sick, or if it's just that he is just sick so often... Either way, I have to keep some sense of normalcy. I have to force myself to put my life first, because it is my life that makes all of our lives possible. I realize that he does not do this on purpose and it's not the same as him drinking or drugging, but this pattern is part of the same disease- and I cannot feed into it all the time. The resentment that goes along with that will destroy me. I know, I've been there.

Other than the usual drama... I saw movies this weekend. Lots of movies. Him being gone left me free to enjoy myself. I saw:

• Atonement- a beautiful downer. An great story with wonderful acting and all that. But just kind of a downer. Doesn't leave you feeling warm and fuzzy.
• Sweeney Todd- a beautiful bleeder. Oh my god, all the blood. I knew what the story was about, I just didn't realize we got to SEE all of that.
  
• Juno- Love it. Love it. Love it. It the kind of movie that makes me love seeing movies.
• The Bucket List- Not a laugh out loud kind of movie, but considering the topic... you should not be shocked.
• Across the Universe- I love this soundtrack, it just makes it all worthwhile. If you like musicals and you like the Beatles... it's great. You say you want a revolution, well, you know..
  

one the verge of being obscene

I'm watching the 100 greatest songs of the 80's on VH1. I love 80's music but at the same time I'm feeling kind of stupid for being only 12 years old when Prince's "Little Red Corvette" came out and I still, at age 36, think the song is about a car.

Move over baby, gimme the keys, I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine.

Ooooooooooohhhhhh, NOW I get it!!

You knew he was the pimp of the group.

I think Joey Fatone should have a show in Vegas. He's so vegas-y. He's Italian. The wops fucking rule Vegas.



He can sing, and dance and I think he can act, but you know I only saw him in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But I'm sure he's got talent in everything- he's one of those fuckers who just excels in shit.

But can't you see him, opening at the Bellagio- with dancers and an orchestra. I loved him on Dancing with the Stars, and of course I loved N'Sync. (yeah, I fucken said it! I didn't take my kids both times I saw them in concert.) He may not have the career that Justin Timberlake does. But he's out there... I fucking love him. Love love love.

And you know, I'll bet HE could totally appreciate having an opening act that involves a comedic juggler. Hi Andy!!!

Pour me a drink, and I'll tell you some lies.

I downloaded some old wounds from iTunes last night. I'm not sure what made me do it. I have an iTunes credit, so I feel like I HAVE to use it.

It's funny how some times a song can reach right into your depths of your soul and pull well stuffed pain right to the surface, exposed barbs and all. That's what Neil Diamond does to me. His voice reverberates through my skin and literally pulls my guts out.

It's not about the guy... I have well come to terms with Trever and all the bullshit. I understand what happened, how it happened, why it happened and all that. I learned from it. I moved on. It's not the agony of having lost him. It's not the painful memories of an overwhelming, somewhat psychotic, dark and tawdry affair when I was far too young to understand the damage that I could do, but old enough to recognize that a man is, at the core, just a man. When someone like me comes at him with all she's got, he rarely stood a chance against me. It's not the embarrassing admission that I was lost, obsessed, needy and morally flexible. It's not even about regret I eventually felt for hurting all the people I hurt.

It's just the memory of the pain that comes back to ache when I let it.

















It's like when you have a leg amputated. It still itches. It still aches. Even though it's not there. You can't get rid of what isn't there. You just have to feel it until it goes away. I can't even remember what Trever looks like. I just remember the pain. Trever is my amputated leg.

So I will sit and listen to Neil. It will pass. It always does.

The story of my life
Begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the story's still the truth

that aint it kid!! - HNT

I've always loved music and movies. I love musicals. When I was growing up I used to listen to the soundtrack to a Chorus Line. I never did see it on stage, but I did see the movie with Michael Douglas and I admit I was somewhat disappointed by it. But I knew all the words to the songs. Guess which one was my favorite?? If you know the words sing along with me!!!

Hey guess where I am???

The e-husband called me today and he was at Rincon. He went with his parent who were going anyway and invited him along. When he called I was pondering the consequences of knocking the boys heads together. Would they fall backwards and possible be quiet for a little while- or just scream louder. It was a toss up. Between their fighting of cars, refusing to eat what they BEGGED me to make for dinner, and me just trying to put down a cup of coffee while browsing sex blogs, my hands were a bit full.

So when e-husband called and said he was at Rincon, and having a great time, lets just say I was less than excited for him. Gee, e-husband, I'm glad that you can get out and have some kid free fun?? What's THAT like?

E-husbands first hospitalization, 11 days back in 2000, was spent first detoxing and then getting all his food via IV since his pancreas was shot to fuck. By day 5, he was dreaming about food. I had taken time off of work, and would go out and grab lunch, and then go back to the hospital with fast food burgers, fries etc. And eat it, right in front of him. His poor IV'ed ass could just watch me. At the time I didn't notice the seething in his eyes. And really, at that point I already felt justified to make him suffer. But I realized later that it was kind of a crappy thing to do.

Well, I think we are even on that one now!!


Here's another Valentines Gift to give, in case you guys can't think of something on the fly because it's 4PM on the 14th and you thought you could just swing by the flower store- ha, WRONG!!! It's better than those lame LOVE coupons. This is one that I think she might like to cash in, cause really, everyone wins and she won't hear you groan when she actually WANTS that 1 hour massage you promised via coupon.



You know, it's Valentines day this week I was gonna blog this week about LOVE... Not love, like anxiety ridden, tear your heart out, internal bleeding love- but you know, well love related crap, or why I have given up on love and decided to trade it in for mindless sex with random partners. You know, good love stuff. Dirty love. My favorite.

Speaking of Dirty Love, here's a new kind of love song. I love Jack Black. Not work safe.

Who's Your Daddy??

Itunes is a sickness. I am hooked. I can't do it any other way. I was at Target looking at music and I thought, well I can put something together on itunes. This morning I ventured in. Just a few, I told myself. Just the new song from the Killers, and a country song I love, Past the Point of Rescue. So ok, I get on. I click. I click more. and more.

Some more Depeche Mode, Garth Brooks, where the hell is Garth Brooks? He's NOT on itunes? Figures. Remember his whole used CD deal? Whatever. Dicksmack... hmm Chris LeDoux, hey Toby Kieth, ... can't forget the Killers. Oh, and that one too.

So $20 later. I'm satisfied, I'm calm, I'm drunk on music. ahhhhh.....

Oh fuck, I forgot something...

Nano Love

I wanted to buy a new CD. I wanted some new music for my iPod. Did I mention that I got a Nano for my birthday. Me, with new technology! It's awesome. I love it. I even bought an auxiliary cable so I can listen to it in my car, via my XM radio. So I decided to do what all the cool kids are doing and download songs from iTunes.

Once I logged in, I redeemed a coupon I had for 2 free itunes that I got via a two pack of Lucky Charms Cereal from Target. Then I started browsing around for music. I could have spent a FORTUNE!!!! Oh my god. But I didn't want to spend more than I would spend on a CD, so here's what I got:

Bon Jovi: (ahhh... true love lasts forever)
~Have a Nice Day
~It's My Life
~Who Says You Can't Go Home
The Cure:
~Boys Don't Cry (one of my favorite songs ever)
Depeche Mode:
~Personal Jesus (for my ibuzz)
Evanescence: (these songs just make me think about the e-husband and she's got this haunting voice)
~My Immortal
~Call Me When You're Sober
Cars Soundtrack: (For Gabe cause he loves this movie and he sings along)
~Life is a Highway (Rascal Flatts)
~Real Gone (Sheryl Crowe)
Salt N Pepa: (for driving.... I love these songs)
~Shoop
~Whatta Man
TLC: (just a good tune)
~Unpretty
Usher: (gets me feeling all freaky!)
~Yeah!

I think they will mix well on my shuffle. Yes, my musical tastes are broad. I'm a tasty broad. Something like that.

I love my ipod, almost more than I love my cell phone. yeeks. Oh, here's another picture Gabe took. I actually posed like a loser, but I was damn surprised on how it turned out.



I cropped it down a little bit. But I was impressed

---

So this morning I had two guys in my bed. One of them woke me with a kiss, and then they took turns pulling at my clothes and climbing on me. You know, I really ought to watch what I wish for. The fantasy was so much better than the reality.