Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes

I know, where the hell have a I been right? Well, this Financial Management class is kicking my ass. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to retake it, or if as long as I can pull a C, I will be saved by my cumulative GPA. Either way, it sucks outloud. It's essentially over on Tuesday... and I am going to spend most of the next three days getting my project and done. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I'm going to have to retake this anyway, why go through this headache? But, I'm almost done, and there's a chance I can pass with a C.

Wish me luck and I hope I'll be back more next month.

I'm not ready to start spilling about some of the things I have planned. Big decisions and big changes and I don't want to jinx anything by claiming that things are happening. I can just say that things are falling into place in a way that makes me feel that my decisions are good. I'm not sure how to feel about that, probably because it's so rare that I make a good decision I just don't trust it.

But you'll know soon enough, cause we all know I don't keep my mouth shut.

In the mean time, look at this picture of my new kitty.

perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.

local douchebags

Have you ever seen this site?

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Cock-a-doodle-douche!

So now it's a TV show.

I couldn't figure out how to identify California guys. There's just something SO arrogant and dickish about a lot of them. NOT all of them,but some. I think this is why I find myself gravitating towards New Yorkers, or guys from anywhere else. There's just something different. So when I saw this show- I realized immediately what it is about a lot of the OC guys- they identify it right away.

You know that guy. That guy who thinks he's so fresh he actually CALLS himself 'fresh.' He spends more time on his hair than you do. He owns a flat iron. He's kind of a chick, but with a cock and an ego. He's a younger Ryan Secreast. He's OK looking, and would be hot if he wasn't such a fucking tool. The only reason you might fuck him is because he got you drunk and maybe that's the fastest way to shut his ass up! Maybe he's got a big dick, I mean, he keeps TELLING YOU how big it is, right?

He's the OC Bag.

totally

fuck you, Karma. We're thru.

"I'll never find my heart

Behind someone else

I'll never see the light of day

Living in this cell

It's time to make my way

Into the world I knew

Take back all of these times

That I gave in to you"

-Three Doors Down "Let me be myself"

Dear Karma:

I get it. I made some mistakes. I made bad choices. I have taken many cookies from the cookie jar over my 37 years. I kissed boys (and girls) I shouldn't have kissed. I stole boyfriends and husbands and wasted precious time pretending I didn't know better. I see why you've been pissed at me.

However, whenever you're done assfucking me for my sins, I'd appreciate a goodbye kiss. I'm all for hot buttsex, but you know you don't even have the decency to use lube. I get that you don't have many friends, but your welcome is outstayed and now you're just pissing me off

I'm a good person. I take care of my kids and my husband. I don't break that many laws and while I've been known to get naked on the internet on occasion- nothing that I do is criminal. I'm tired now. I'm tired of swimming upstream and I now I just want to be happy.

How about we make a deal? I'll make better choices- and you stop making me feel guilty about them. In the mean time- if you could just lube up a little, that'd be great.

-julie

Crazy never sleeps

There was an altercation at my work the other day. I work at a hospital and occasionally people get angry and things start to happen. The nurse manger got punched in the face once. Nurses get grabbed and swung at. Once a crazy patient threatened to stab a little girl with a pencil (that he got from the chapel!)

I did not hear about this entire event, and really I didn't need to. Apparently though, it was between family members. No not brothers and sisters...

But the family members of one patients and the family members of the patient in the next bed.

Oh yeah, you heard me.

They were in the inside of the patients' room when it stared, but apparently SOMEONE said, "They ought to get this fucking illegal alien out of this room!"

Yeah, you can see how nicely THAT went over.

Both families- each containing a few people EACH were ushered into the hall way once the yelling started and then it got very loud, and ugly racists words were exchanged and security was called- STAT. I am not sure exactly who hit whom first, but I heard there was some swinging involved. Security did not get there fast enough, and you know- what's FAST ENOUGH when you are throwing out ugly things like that.

This is a community hospital people- where we, as health care professionals have a responsibility to care for people who come through the doors. I don't fucking care about your political beliefs OR your complete LACK of class and human decency. Shut the fuck up. Really- all parties ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Health care is a human right. Take your bullshit someplace else.

Analyze this...

::Bitchy rant alert::

I was going to make some pudding; one for the family and one for the night shift at work- however, that husband of mine decided to eat the whole box of cookies that I needed. So I guess the family doesn't GET the pudding. He ruined it for the class. Yes, I could go and get another box of cookies, but you know- it's the point. What gave him the right to eat the cookies I had saved for something that would have been for the whole family. And really- a WHOLE box of vanilla wafers???

It amazes me how he behaves.

I am absolutely OVER listening to him complain about how he doesn't feel well. I wouldn't feel well if I ate as much as he does, and lets not forget that his stomach doesn't digest food fast enough, if at all. So chances are- sometime last night he threw up a box of cookies, two frozen dinners and ice cream and a large tub of popcorn from the movies. And I'm supposed to feel sorry for him?

Yea, no.
I really really don't.

He doesn't try to manage his health. I have no sympathy for him in this.

I am certain that nobody in this house really cares that its my birthday. Everyone is concerned with their own wants, and nobody really gives a crap about me. I'm just the family paycheck.
This sucks.

When I leave for my trip, he will expect me to leave him some money for food and such. I suspect he will end up using it on fast food and other crap. I will make sure there is some food in the house, but I'm not leaving him with much. He's wasteful and selfish.

Ugh- I really cannot complain, this is the life I chose. Then again, this is my blog, so you know I can bitch here- I'm not bending anyone ear. Sometimes I can't remember why I made the decisions I made. What frame of mind was I in when I decided that all of this was ok? When did doing the right thing get confused with complacency and being a doormat?

I do this every year around this time. I re-evaluate my life. Where is it going? Am I living the life I want or at least living my life FOR the life I want? Am I surrounding myself with the right influences? Am I living a lie?- and why? What's the benefits of my current situation? What are the liabilities? Which is greater? What changes can I make- and at what cost?

What can I do to make sure that I'm not living a life that I know I will regret?

I already know my first response answers, but of course, it always involves more than that. Data is raw facts, the analysis is where you find the real answers. Perhaps this year, the real answers will be different.

I don't know anymore.

Top Heavy

My tits hurt. they feel like they weigh a fucking ton. This is the 'middle' of my cycle, like maybe I'm ovulating, like that means anything at all. Oh, it doesn't. The fact that I ovulate and bleed is just a waste of good cotton and Midol.

But I digress, I took off my bra and I thought they were going to hit the floor (and no NOT cause they hang that low, bitches).

That's the price to pay for real big real boobs.

Save my soul

I found this video on another blog and strangely on the same day as the event I will describe below.

So while I will ignore the animation, I will tell a weird tale. When I was 14, I was pursued and eventually dated a boy. My first boyfriend and my first love. He was my first real experimentation with sex, although we never had sex.

After about 6 months of going out, he became distant and said that I was too needy. I relied on him for too much and he didn't like that I wanted to spend my every minute with him. Now, this was news to me, because up until this point, it's what HE wanted also.

After 6 months, he met another girl and broke up with me. I was devastated for a long time. I comforted myself by going out and making out with his friends (who were also my friends) behind his back all the while somewhat waiting for him to come back. I waited for almost a year. The whole time trying to be his friend, supportive and cheerful but always waiting for him to tell me he wanted me back. It was a wretched time, and I remember still allowing him to sort of wander in and out of my life. He was very critical of me, and while we only dated for 6 months of my sophmore year, it is he who I really identify to as the "High School Boyfriend."

My senior year he wrote me a letter telling me he was still in love with me and that he wanted me to break up with the boyfriend I had so we could start again. I remember being both sad and happy and that I was going to break up with that boyfriend so he and I could start again. I told him I wanted to talk to him after school about it- and this is when he confessed, rather hatefully that he was kidding and just wanted to see what I would do. I was devastated, but you know, I still had a boyfriend. It was mostly then, that I realized the it was over between us forever and he had become this hateful mean person. I couldn't understand why he hated me so much, he had broken up with ME after all.

So yesterday I found him on Facebook. I had sort of looked for him over the years but his name is insanely common, so I never really knew. This time, it was him as plain as day. I friended him on Facebook, exclaiming, "Holy crap! How the hell are you." He emailed me later that day- and to be honest we have spent the better part of the last 24 hours catching up.

It occurred to me, just yesterday that the relationship we had was really dysfunctional. He was very controlling and I was very accommodating. He was 14, although for some reason he always seemed older than me. We turned 15 at the same time and he was already driving, he had a job. He took care of things and I adored him. I wanted nothing more than to please him and to keep that steady flow of love and attention he gave me. I clung to him to save me from the fact that my step dad hated me and my real father was dead. I was a pushover and people pleaser and he seemed to really care about me and what made me happy. Of course, what made me happy- was making him happy and being a part of that 'coupleness.'

What he also told me in our talk, was his side of things. He admitted to me that he started to pull away because he wanted more than he could truly handle. He wasn't prepared to manage his own life and mine too. So when he pulled away I felt abandoned and confused. I wasn't sure what I had done wrong and I did all I could to make it right. However as he tells me, he saw me making out with one of his friends- and that is the ultimate reason why he broke up with me.

Now I don't remember this event. I know who he is talking about- because yes I did hook up with him LATER. I do NOT remember making out with this guy when I was in this relationship. Not at all. I remember being so in love with him and it seem unfathomable that I would do such a thing. I won't begrudge him this, because he apparently remembers it quite vividly and admitted that it broke his heart and caused damage for many years to come.

While I don't remember doing it, I have to admit- it doesn't sound at all UNLIKE me. I don't walk away from relationships when I should- and I have been known to find comfort elsewhere when things get rocky. I just didn't realize that I was doing it THEN. I didn't realize that the pattern probably BEGAN here, and never stopped. Ever.

I apologized as much as I could for an event that I don't recall but truly affected us both. For at least a YEAR I waited for him to come back. I tried to be a supportive friend because we hung out in the same circles. He would get close and then push me away. He would be a friend, and then me really mean and hateful. He would tell me he loved me, and then tell me he hated me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. He NEVER told me that he saw me kissing his friend. He never confronted me, he just left me- and then continued to punish me for it. While I guess I should not have been so shocked about it-considering what I did... if I thought he didn't know, well perhaps my thinking was that it didn't "really" happen. I don't know.

It makes me sad though, to think how hung up I was on him and for how long. How much I loved him and to know now that what he really wanted was for me to say that I was sorry. That I loved him, and somehow show him that I wasn't this horrible person who did the horrible thing. However, I didn't know- and I just kept being me. Thinking he was done and over me, so talking to him about boyfriends and such (trying to keep up the sense of normalcy and "I'm moving on-ery" but trying to make him jealous) continued to break his heart.

Jesus.

It was so long ago. Who would have thought that a 22 year old relationship even mattered now. In some ways, it doesn't. I mean- it's water under the bridge and he and I have made our peace and all is forgiven. However, it really does matter to me. It mattered to him. I'm glad we talked, I'm glad we had closure. It has been very enlightening.

It's interesting to me though- the patterns that began then, and how they still sort of hold true even now. How for all of my growth and such- I still tend to cling to that illusion of safety and coupleness when it appears and how I still don't walk away when I clearly should. How in some ways, maybe I have reverted back to that 14 year old girl who just can't deal with the abandonment of the one who promised to love her until the end of time.

in my dreams

I had the craziest dream last night. Crazy because it was sexual and great, but with an ex that is so far removed from my sexual radar I am not sure what to think. It's like having a dream about having sex with someone you've NEVER thought about having sex with before. I am not even sure where it came from, not just left field, but an entirely different SPORT!!

So all of a sudden, the boyfriend I had for like 4 years before I met my FIRST husband was standing outside of my office because his grandfather was a patient and had died. Oh my god, and I hugged him and all that comforting stuff. And then- flash -we are someplace else, a big room, that I've never been in before and we are sitting really close and he's coming in closer to kiss me. I am drawn to kiss him, although I don't remember if I did or didn't enjoy kissing him. I'm sure I did, we always remember it when it's BAD and the physical stuff between us was always good. So we are kissing and he's touching me. His hands on my skin and his mouth on my lips and my neck. He's holding me really close and I am feeling overwhelmed by it. He tells me that he wishes he had married me and that it's not too late for us.

Ok. WTF?
no
WHAT THE FUCK?!!!

So I pull back and say to him, Are you out of your mind?!?!

Of course in my dream I had sex with him, cause you know it's still me- and he was the guy that I found my g-spot with, so you know... well, yeah.

Besides, if I can't get laid in my dreams, well then where can I?

It's so weird. I mean, am I so starving for that kind of attention that I will reach back in to the depths of my relationship hell and pull out the only relationship that has come full circle?? I mean, this guy and I dated, and I put him through hell, and he paid me back nicely for it by emotionally abusing me for twice the time that I cheated on him for. Then years later we talked and he apologized for his behavior and we have been on again off again friends who have come around in a nice way- both having learned from our mistakes.

So why then, would I have this crazy ass dream about him. It makes no sense what so ever!! It makes me wonder just how desperate I am for real affection. Whatever that is!!

Maybe it's the jeans, or maybe I just need to get laid

I went shopping with my sis today. We grabbed handfuls of clothes and tried them all on. I found a new shirt and a new pair of jeans.

I have not bought new jeans in a long time. The don't wear the ones I have because they are tapered legs. I had no idea they were tapered legs because I was only concerned with the fact that they fit my ass. Apparently they not only fit my ass, but made it look bigger. lovely. So I stopped wearing them, and have bought any since, except for a pair of old navy jeans that were too big for my husband. I know, it's sad. I'm wearing HIS fat jeans, what fucking ever.

So sis grabbed them and tossed them my way. I rolled my eyes, but complied. I can play along. My sis has this teeny body with curves where they are supposed to be. I try not to openly seethe at her for this- but you know- she has better genes than me, apparently.

So after trying on the shirts that were more of a disaster in pattern than in fit, I reached for the jeans and stuffed my ass into them. I've heard that finding a pair of good jeans is a sexually satisfying experience, especially for us bigger girls who have size issues. (Short and fat is a bad combo for jeans) I always assumed that this was an urban legend, like the guy who gets his kidney stolen and wakes up in a bathtub full of ice. Perhaps it's because I've never FOUND a good pair of jeans before.

Well, that's what happened when I slipped into these jeans. They are a bit snug, but for the stretch they are really comfortable. I got a flutter in my downtown region. They curve where they should. They totally rock my ass. Heavy breathing. They cover what needs covering and don't give me wide hips, a muffin top, or camel toe. White hot explosion.

SCORE!!!!

Saturday update

Since I have been wearing my frames for about 8 years now, I got new ones.


I decided to go for the rectangular frames since that is the new style. I think they are kinda kicky and hip.



It doesn't matter how much thinner my face is, I can't seem to get rid of that extra chin. It's all I see when I look at this picture. Isn't that funny that when I look at a picture that is otherwise nice, all I see is the fat chin. The rest of my face is getting thinner, what gives?? Maybe I need this.

So I have lost just under 10 pounds. 9.8- whatever. I am mildly happy with 10 pounds, but it's been 8 weeks, and I'd like to lose more than a pound a week. At this rate, by the time I get to NY I will have only lost another 12 pounds. And yea, 22 pounds in that many weeks is not bad. It's a healthy way to lose weight, but if I get to choose, I'd prefer to lose maybe TWO pounds a week.



So what am I going to do to do that???

• drink more water.
• choose better foods. Yes I can have 8 points in a hamburger patty and cheese- or I can have 8 points in a chicken breast and a vegetables and a glass of milk.
  
• think even harder about starting an exercise routine.

And hey, guess what- I can now climb two flights of stairs. One flight at the hospital is 2 sets of 11 stairs, and a usual flight of stairs is usually 12-15 steps. 8 weeks ago I could not do more than one flight (22 steps) without being winded, so I call this progress. I walk more to talk to people instead of calling or emailing. I make small efforts to move more. Progress.

A friend recommended these places to see in NY.
Top of the Rock.
The Strand Bookstore
Babeland
Strawberry Fields

I think I may spend a day in Central Park. I had no idea there was so much to see there. I also found this really cool article on riding the subway (thanks PunkGuy), but I admit that I am still not really wanting to do that.

On another awesome note. While my mother is refusing to throw me a graduation party. My boss is going to. She said she wanted to offer, but can't do it alone cause she's not a planner like that (that is what she has ME for). So she's going to throw me a nice big party at the clubhouse where she lives and I can invite my family and friends. I will help her set it up, but I really wanted to cry when she offered. I am very fortunate to work for someone like her. Somedays she really makes me fucking crazy, but it my more humble moments, I admit that she is one of the most strong and amazing and smart women I know.

How many more days??? Counter says 74. Fuck yeah.

Do you have the time??

Last week was Daylight Savings. I don't know if it ended, or began- but I know that I woke up on Sunday morning and the clock on the cable box, cell phone and PC were different than the ones on the wall and I thought I was going insane.

"If you have one clock, you know the time. If you have more than one you're never really sure."

Yeah. Like that.

So after some research, which was calling Cheryl and asking her,"Is it fucking daylight savings or am I insane?" I realized that yes, the clocks went forward. Seemed too early for that- but whatever. I'm not about to fight the system on it.

Even though for half the year it stays light until 7:30 PM and it's been that way my entire life, I am never used to it. I never expect it. It is always weird to me, even though it should be as normal as it getting dark at 6. Of course I tend to be resistant to certain things that happen all the fucking time, like being called "Mrs."

I usually wake up in the morning around 6. That is what time my alarm goes off. But all week, I have been waking up at 5. (the old 6). So I've gained nothing. I'm actually losing sleep, right? I'm all confused. Is 5AM what used to be 6AM, or is that 7? Exactly what happened to the extra hour of sleep I allowed myself when I changed my work schedule to take the kids to school in the morning??

Maybe I am just insane.

Either way. it's early, I'm up.

will it be yes or will it be... sorry?

One of the guilty pleasures of adult life has been a little TV show I call Dawsons Creek. I watched it religiously every week and when it went was in syndication on TBS, I was on maternity leave and "coincidentally" was on at the same time that I was nursing and the baby's nap time, so I got to see both hours it played the reruns.

This morning I turned on the TV and Dawsons Creek was on. The season finale no less. The one where Jen dies. When Joey finally picks Pacey, and life goes on. Like it alway does, I cried. A lot. 6AM and Julie is over here shedding tears over 4 characters on TV. Even though I have seen it before. The finale, I admit, I have only seen once until today. Perhaps because it makes me sad and I reminds me of too much.

Now before you go thinking that I think this is the most heartwarming finale ever, you have to remember that I cry at the end of Homeward Bound and you know, when Chandler proposes to Monica. So you have to take all that into consideration. I am a big fat crier when it comes to television. Just not so much real life.

I do my best not to cry over the e-husband if I can help it. Partially because I feel he is not worth my tears, and partially because I have cried so many in my lifetime, that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Kind of like the person who says "I'm sorry" all the time. Overkill. Crying about the ehusband is obvious. You can assume I am always crying over him.

Some days I have regrets that knock me too my core. Sometimes I want to close my eyes tight and open them to find he is not here. That I do not have to think about how many pills he took today. Whether or not he will be 'well' enough to go with us to the aquarium. Sometimes life is harder when I have to wait and see if I can rely on him, rather than just knowing that he is not there to rely on.

This morning if came to me with two pairs of pants. One pair that should not even have been in the drawer. They were way too small. I mean, size 18 months maybe and another pair of pants that happened to have a hole in the knee. And he says, will this one (the small one) fit Danny? I gave him a blank stare, because he had one on his face. I could tell that he really did not know what he was doing. The medication just makes him disoriented and sort of "sleep walk-y-ish."

The exchange was not pretty. It ended up with me saying, "Just leave me the fuck alone."

Yeah, somedays regret just puts me in a strangle hold.

HNT on Hump Day.

It's been quite a week. The ehusband got back out of the hospital and decided to come home and annoy the fuck out of me. It is never ending and I should just let it go. Resistance is futile. School however is going really well and I'm looking forward to it being over.

This morning on the radio I heard that the average woman has 19 pairs of shoes. I thought. "That's Crazy!" but then I thought about it for a moment and realized that I, NOT a shoe person who has a low arch, have about 9 or 10 pairs. Three work shoes, two pairs of boots, three pairs of sandals, one pair of dress heels, and one pair of trashy whore heels. Wait, then there are the flip flops, like three pairs of those. So yeah, I guess 19 is about normal. How weird is that??

I would totally go crazy with shoes if I did not have foot issues. I can't wear them too high, and they can't be flat. I usually have to buy some sort of arch support if they ARE low, otherwise my feet will hurt all day. I can walk all day in 1 and a half inch heels, but you know, who wears them with scrubs??

The diet is going along OK. I am definitely eating better, and I have more energy. Yesterday I was able to climb two fights of stairs without wanting to kill myself. I did that several times yesterday cause my boss was having technical difficulties in her classroom two floors above my office. I was happy about that. Who ever thought I used to love the stair master!! I have not lost much weight, like I said before- but I guess I am eating better and have more energy, and that in itself makes it good.

Last night the ehusband went to the grocery store and came home with too much stuff from the "out dated foods" cart- so there is now 4 boxes of donuts in my freezer, (Can you ever DO that?) Doritos, Valenties Day mark downs. Are you trying to fucking kill me with this shit?? Hey- DIABETIC FUCK HEAD, what the hell are you thinking???

Douche.

Oh and lest I forget, I'm a day early but happy half nekkid thursday (tomorrow).

The "Who what why" for Super Tuesday

Last night at a superbowl party I was somewhat involved, meaning I asked questions, in a conversation regarding the two democratic candidates. I am not very politically conscious, and I could even go so far as to calling myself 'uninformed' - but I try to pay attention when it's important and I think it is a great privilege to be a part of the voting process. I am still undecided about tomorrow, and I like many Democrats like myself (meaning Democrat but widely uninvolved in todays politics) are unsure about which candidate to vote for tomorrow.

This converstion that I was somewhat involved in was with two socially, politically informed, conscious and responsible people that I have known for some time and respect for thier intelligence and not 'talking out of thier ass'edness. They both seemed very pro-Obama, and not exactly anti-Hilary, but somewhat untrusting, saying that she was very corporate minded and that is worrisome and perhaps she's simply a fast talker. He told me a little bit about Hilary and Wal-Mart, which I did not know. And I also admit that I did not know that Wal-Mart was anti-union and I feel a bit guilty for shopping there. (Are they STILL not unionized?) See how uninformed I am?? What an ass.

Either way, so while I think I was leaning towards Hilary before yesterday, today I am just as unsure as I was before the California debate in which Hilary impressed me. Maybe I am impressed by fast talking and the idea of a woman in office, but perhaps she's not the right woman? I have a day to ponder this.

Keith, one of the conversants, said, "Just Vote Julie. Vote your conscious, but make sure you vote . It really does matter."

I know it does- I just want to be able to back up my decision.

Please, share your thoughtful opinions with me.

Sunday thoughts...

15 weeks left of school. Graduation is May 28, two weeks later. I'm so there. I was just telling e-husband that I have had bad relationships last longer than 15 weeks!! I can totally do this. So far my classes look challenging and there will be a lot of work and writing involved, but nothing I can't handle. Shit, what is there that I can't handle these days??
--

I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 4.4 pounds my first week. I won't say much more about that.
--

After 7 trips to the Middle East, my bad ass motherfucker brother, Rick, has retired from the Marine Corps. There is a link in my side-bar regarding his last trip to Iraq, which he returned late 2006. Mr Gunny. 21 in years in the Marines. He's seen and experienced so much and I'm so proud of him.
--

Still potty training... getting closer. He has the peeing down pretty good, but he still isn't ready to poop in the potty, and if I pressure him, he gets constipated, so it works against me. Patience.... At least he usually waits till he is wearing a pull up... usually. grrrrr
--

Oh- last week the e-husband had the endoscopic ultrasound and the esophagogastroduodenoscopy , yeah say that three times fast. Bottom line, no cancer. He has some pancreatic stones that they can remove and that may reduce some of his pain, but nothing that will actually FIX anything. I think maybe he was hoping for cancer, so at least he had something to hang on to... I guess I cannot blame him. "Guess what Mr. E-husband, you aren't dying, you just get to stay sick and miserable for maybe another 40 years!!" yeah, it's a bitter sweet diagnosis.
--

Other than that, not much has changed. Life moves on, with me or without me.

recap

Did I mention that this is how my week went???

clawing my way to the middle

Really, I got nothin. So little is going on in my life right now I cannot even be interesting.

It was a bit overcast this morning, it reminds me of camping. You get up in the morning, just as the sun comes up but has not broken thru the clouds yet. Everything feels humid and you are ready to jump in the water, even though it's freezing. Overcast summer mornings always remind me of camping- coming out of a tent and seeing the lake. I have fond - maybe nostalgic- memories of camping, but I don't like to camp. Ok, I haven't BEEN camping in a long time- not since Paul and I went to Joshua Tree and I froze all night long. It was too cold to get out of my sleeping bag to even climb into HIS. I just shivered and seethed all night, and vowed NEVER to camp again.

E-husband talks about camping, but I've always been able to convince him otherwise. But I do have memories. Perhaps I've just blocked out the bad memories, or just can't save space for them anymore. I have better bad memories to save.

School starts in three weeks and I'm strangely looking forward to it. This has been a weird summer. I've spent a lot of time with my family, which is great. I have much to be grateful for- but I really just want to get back to school. I am bored and I feel unproductive, just being at home. No papers to write, no studying to do. No research. Maybe it's because I'm a senior, and I'm graduating this year. And Cheryl and I are taking a vacation because we are both graduating in May. Can't wait.

I have much to look forward to and I just want to get it started.

I leave you with this. I got this in a myspace bulletin, it made me laugh.



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Brad can convict me anyday....

Fri Aug 10, 1:11 AM ET
LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Potential jurors in a Los Angeles court were forced to do a double-take on Thursday when their court-room duties were enlivened by a jolt of star power in the shape of Brad Pitt.

The Hollywood heart-throb reported for jury duty in Los Angeles, his publicist confirmed to AFP, before eventually being discharged after the case he was due to hear ended in a plea-deal.
The TMZ.com celebrity news website said Pitt had been ordered by justice officials to serve on a jury or else be held in contempt of court after being granted a string of delay orders.

Pitt's representatives denied the claim however, saying the actor had gone through the normal legal channels to seek an extension before he eventually reported for duty early Thursday.

TMZ said the "Seven" and "Troy" star mingled with other members of the jury pool before being discharged when the defendant in his pleaded 'no contest' to driving under the influence charges.

Another good reason to do your civic duty. You might meet someone gorgeous. I mean, famous.

Why I love Ty.

For starters, I love men who can fix shit. That's a big deal. Men with tools and stuff. I have a thing about work gloves and tool belts.



My dad used to fix stuff. He was a freakin carpenter, like Jesus. Ok, maybe not LIKE Jesus- but you know- they were in the same trade. My dad used to build mobile homes. He also used to drive his companies float for the Rose Parade every year.

or so I'm told.

I love Extreme Makeover- Home Edition because it makes me cry at the end no matter how much of the show I've seen. Like the movie, Homeward Bound. I always fucken cry when the old dog comes hobbling up over the hill, "Oh Peter I missed you." (gettin misty over here). EM-HE does that for me. It just makes me fucken cry every time. I love what they do for people. Just the words "Move That Bus!" and I cry like a baby.

Nobody is ever unhappy to see Ty coming. He can show up unexpectedly and nobody minds. Ty brings good news, he's like Santa Clause. And don't start with the DUI, he SAID he was sorry.

I trust Ty.

He can decorate my bed any day.