Making changes

Well I went and looked at an apartment today. I remember now, why I always HATED moving. The process of just FINDING a place is so tedious I just want to swallow a knife. The last two apartments we moved to- my husband found. I told him, find a place- I want AC, a dishwasher and a place to park my car. Other than that- a roof, maybe some doors, a few walls, and I'm good. I really don't WANT to move. Where I live now is close enough to everything I want. It could use a very good cleaning and paintjob. Some drawers fixed etc.

I'm assured that HE is going to move out. That I don't HAVE to move, and that he WILL. He's going to have to anyway. It's what I would prefer. I just want to make sure that he goes- and does not feel so comfy to just hang out here. Walk right in and set up camp when I'm not home. Moving is the best thing for me. Someplace new- but maybe I don't need to do that right away. If he moves out- maybe I can wait until January. I'm always stalling.... I hate moving.

But I did go and LOOK. That's a step in the right direction.

Powerless

This morning I woke up and was relieved to find a new blog post from my brother in Iraq. Sometimes I don't even read them at the time, but it's nice to see them and know he's alive another day.

When he is home- this is his second trip over there this time around and God willing, he will be home before the holidays. His post was very defeated. He was frustrated. He was tired. I was reading his posts and thinking to myself talk about being powerless. There he is, he and his team and they are doing thier job and training the Iraqi soldiers and doing thier best, only to come back to camp at the end of the night, feeling like "in the end, there will be nothing left but us." I made me think that even in the true sense of life or death situations- you can only do what is within your control- and that is not much.

You put one foot in front of the other. You do your job. You do what you are trained to do, what you are supposed to do, what you are paid to do. You do your part to the best of your ability and give up the results because you simply can't make things happen if someone else has another agenda. And in the end- even if things did not turn out the way you would have liked, you have to be able to say "My side of the street is clean and I can't control what happens on the other side."

It's like that in everything I guess. You just move forward and do what you do. Do your part and give up the results. I need to remember that today. I can only handle what's on my plate. I can't control the plans of other people. I have to remember that today and let it go.

Today's Reminder

"Right now, today I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me." (ODAT)

There's a lot of things going on around me that I have no control over. My husband is talking about moving out- but in a way that is so unrealistic I just want to say, "Are ya kidding me??" But I just say, "oh- interesting." and keep my mouth shut. Far be it from me to discourage him to explore options that mean he will be leaving!! And in the end (of September), if he doesn't leave, I will and he will be forced to. I may as well plan for that. I only wish I didn't have to wait until then.

I can't make things happen in the manner in which I want them to happen. My life is not directly impacted on most things that occupy space in my brain. I can't counsel, advise or push my opinion because it's not my work. It's not my business- even if I have a right to be concerned or am even afforded the right to CARE about it.

Only the things that are my business, are the matters in which I need to move about my plate. Nobody needs to handle my problems and tasks for me- and I have to assume that I am just as annoying to others when I try to butt in or offer unsolicited advice in situations that are not mine.

I really need a meeting. Badly. I am feeling more lost in my own head lately and trying to reach out and grasp at straws to find a sense of balance. But I have my issues about that too. But you know, the relationship with my husband is a done deal. It's done. I have to remember that it's over and Al-Anon is for me. It's not 'how to stay married' or 'how to get divorced'. I came to that on my own. What I need now, is a good way to deal with me and the struggles in my own head. I could find that through church, or through counseling. But really- program has always been the most freeing and spiritual therapy I've ever had.

I know...go go go. Get your ass to a meeting. I know.

Resentment is a shiny shield

My husband was in the hospital all weekend. He got sick again, really really sick and you know, I am just indifferent about it. I am not convinced that THIS hospital stay is any different than the all the ones before it. And you know, while his attitude appears a little different-I can't distunguish it as any different than any of the other times that he 'appeared' to have an attitude change, and didn't. I trying not to pay attention to it, because I don't really believe that he's actually had one. Or at least that he is willing to do what it takes to feel better in the long term.

But either way, my fear is that he will suck me in to believing that this situation is tolerable and I will either attempt to believe him, only to get my heart stomped when he resorts back to his usual behavior. Or I will completely rebel against it and attack him in his sleep. I don't know that in the many times I have decided to give this marriage a chance, it was ever because I felt that I loved him so much that I could not live without out him. At least not in the past two or three years. It was usually because I felt guilty. It was convenient, or it was what I thought was best for the kids. It was never about love. My reasons for staying were never because I loved him so much, nor is my reasons for finally leaving about NOT loving him.

Love is irrelevant at this point. In this situation, it's not enough in which to base any decisions upon. To stay or go is not about love- because I will never NOT love him, nor will I ever love him again ENOUGH to get past all that's happened. So it's not about love- it's just survival and breaking the pattern. I simply have to be honest and admit that I want more than this. I don't think he will change, and even if he did- I don't think it will matter. That is the honest truth. I don't think I will ever let him forget what he's done. I don't think I can ever forgive him for not living up to my expectations, for each broken promise in which I have committed to memory. Maybe that makes me self-righteous, maybe it makes me selfish, but it's the truth. This relationship makes me the absolute worst version of myself. I don't like who I am with him. I don't like myself in this marriage. I don't think he's losing so much really. For all that I claim to do in my second career as a martyr-I cannot deny that to him, I've become a bitter, angry, suspicious, mean, sarcastic, apathetic BITCH.

And it doesn't bother me.

I see that as my armor, my defense against him. My right.

I have no plans to stop being that way any time soon.

He commented to me recently that I should hear myself when I talk to him. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Too bad." Who the hell have I become?? I'll tell you. I've become my mother on her very worst day. Razor tongue and not a care in the world if I cut his head right off with it. And that is no way to live my life. I know that I don't have any any right to be hateful and ugly and still REMAIN in this marriage. I know that a certain amount of fault is mine too for that type of behavior. And all I can do to stop it, is leave. I won't put down my armor. Not again. Not ever again.

The truth hurts

Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you try...
















Eventually, enough


















is finally

















enough.

Progress, Not Perfection

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.---Ovid

Our program speaks of spiritual progress, not perfection. We can take all the time we need. Our bottom line is steady progress. We can ask ourselves, "Am I a little more spiritual than I was a year ago? A month ago?" If the answer is yes, we're doing great. If the answer is no, we should look at why.
Our illness pushes us to be perfect. In recovery, we learn that we are free to be what we are---human. Even the world's fastest runners are average in most other areas of their lives.. This is okay. Remember, "spiritual progress, not perfection."

Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, I'll not be ashamed of how average I am. I'll remember I'm average---and that's good.
=============



I don't expect to always do everything the exact way other people feel it 'should' be done. I am certain that other people would live my life very differently. I get a lot of advice on what I should do. How I should respond and what decisions I should make. And I take all of it with a smile, taking note of who it comes from and how much they know about my situation and if thier advice is informed or just "this is what I would do"- which really is only worth so much. I do feel my situtaion is different than many women in unhappy marriages, but not so different for most women in alcoholic marriages or marriages with someone with chronic illness. Either way, I realize that my progress in how I deal with my husband, my marriage and my life may not be what people think that it ought to be- but I know, for myself, that it is VERY different than what it USED to be.

I did not wake up one day and realize, "Oh my God, when did things get out of hand?" it started small- and got bigger, much bigger and then a little more manangeable- albeit still quite messy. But really, life is MUCH more livable than it used to be. Only now I choose NOT to live life this way anymore. If I wanted to- I guess living the rest of my life as it stands now, would be a little easier than it was three, four, five years ago. As back then, I still had hope, I was still twisting myself in a million directions and making my husband my Higher Power. I know better now. I have more independence now than I used to. My life has a purpose, and a direction and it's the direction that I want it to go- regardless of what anyone else thinks.

If I absolutely HAD to stay in this marriage for the rest of my life, I would still have a lot to look forward to. My marriage is not what makes me the person that I am anymore. I am no longer defined by my husband or the disease that he has. I am no longer ruled by his actions. I am no longer plagued with his illness. It affects me, yes, it burdens me emotionally and weighs on my heart, of course, but it does not dictate my life anymore. I can still get up every day and go to work and be productive. I can have friendships and hobbies. I can join in activities and have some fun. Even though I have a husband at home who is sick and miserable and probably doesn't even like me very much- I can still have a life. Be a good friend to people and be a participant in my life, not just a casualty of his. Three, four, five years ago- I could not say that.

And really, regardless if what anyone else thinks, THAT is progress.

Holding on

Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to.
--unknown

Moving past the guilt

I haven't spoken to my mother about leaving my husband, because know she thinks it's the wrong thing to do. He's sick, and he can't take care of himself and maybe she feels that it's my responsibility to stay with him. Or maybe because of her religious convictions, she simply CAN'T support me divorcing him. Either way, I tend to stay away or not broach the subject to people who I think will encourage me to stay. Maybe I am not strong enough against my own guilt. And I DO feel guilty. I AM sorry. Not because I don't love him anymore, not because the marriage didn't work out. I know that I did all that I could- and then some. I hung on, I detached, I enabled, I ignored, I demanded, and I let go. I have hung in here, for years....waiting and giving chances. And none of it has made enough difference to make me more than "content to live in an unhappy situation." I don't even know WHY I feel guilty. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. Maybe because he does his best to make me feel guilty. Maybe because I know that I COULD live with this situation and I still question the idea that I deserve better than this and I am walking away because I WANT to- I don't HAVE to.

One thing that I do know for sure is that being around him, staying in this marriage- makes me the worst version of myself. I usually am not a hateful person. I am sarcastic to a fault, yes, but this situation makes me hateful and bitter. It makes me ugly. It has poured a blackness into my soul that has taken away the one thing I always believed in before, love. It has made me one of those sour women who sees a couple on the street, walking arm in arm, and makes me think, "Oh God, lets see how long THAT will last." When one of my girlfriends meets a new great guy- my first thought is, "Yeah, give it time, I'll bet he's a jerk like the rest of them."

And you know, all the different men in my life have NOT all been jerks. Most of them have been pretty good guys who I would not mind knowing even today. I have been hurt in relationships, but never really BURNED before. I've never been cheated on. I've never been beaten up. I've had relationships that went wrong and ended with little shock to me, but I've never even been dumped out of the blue. My friend pointed that out to me the other day. He said, "You've had a lot of men who have chosen you- who have wanted to be with just you." And after some thought, he's right. Looking back that the 'boyfriends' I've had, most of them were pretty decent guys. Good guys who maybe were not all I wanted, but great enough to spend several months, sometimes years with.

It's not 'all the men' that are bad. It's THIS ONE. It's not that all relationships are a disaster. Just THIS ONE. This kid has ruined it for the rest of the class. One man has taught me, in my 30's- to distrust men. To distrust thier intentions and thier honesty. I will never allow love in, if I continue to believe that all men are dishonest, disrespectful, and ungrateful. If I am going to stay cynical, I may as well stay here- because at least then I can be right.

Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmm.......no.

Who is your higher power today??

My program is MIA. I haven't been to a meeting since before that mishap with my former sponsor. I have thought about going, but not with any real commitment to actually leaving the house to go.

Program gives me compassion. It gives me understanding. It helps me be patient. It helps me cope. It brings me back to my higher power. I am grateful for my program, however minimal it is in action, but it's in my heart and almost always on the forefront of my mind.

But, sometimes I think it makes me complacent. It makes me rethink the decisions I have made. Everytime I was ready to walk away, I would be in a meeting or talking with another person after a meeting, and I would hear something that would give me the strength, the inspiration, or perhaps even the guilt, to give it one more try. Am I too influenced by other people?? Have I become so flexible over the years that I really DON'T have my own convictions?

Detachment or Indifference??

It's hard sometimes to tell the difference. I think I have done a good job at detaching from some of the problems in this marriage that are not mine to tackle. But at the same time, I think I have become indifferent to them- and somewhat resentful. "I don't care" is not detachment. "I can't help you" is. I know that my husband is very sick right now. His doctor has ordered some tests and they are looking for something. Did he schedule those tests? Get the labs done? No.

So you see, it's hard for me to care, when I am not sure how much HE cares.

Sometimes indifference is the only way you can break free. Detach with love just doesn't seem possible. Don't care and keep my mouth shut, that is closer to what I'm capable of right now. Either way, I can't let his problems become my problems. They are not my problems anymore. Really, they never WERE my problems.

Born to fly

Sometimes it's hard to know when its the right time to act. In previous post I was thinking about timing and when it's the right time to make a life changing move and how it effects other people.

I have decided that I simply want out of this marriage. I want more. I deserve more. I realize that I am wasting my life by staying in a loveless marriage. It's over. I told my husband that my heart is not in it anymore. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I just want my life back. And with no great emotion, not even a blink- he said "And I think you should have it." I think he was relieved. I know he is not happy, but you know- like me- he's stuck, too. I think we have this mutual addiction and dependency on what the one person can do for the other person, but no real love for each other. That is what I think. He tries to tell me that he is still in love with me, but I don't believe that. By way of my ego, I am naturally attracted to people who like me, and I can tell when someone doesn't. This is not love, this is insanity.

We talked about remaining civil. We both had pretty nasty post divorce relationships with our exes and the older kids did suffer from it. If we can avoid the extra stress, that would be good. He said he will not drag his feet on moving out. I did not give him a time frame, but I told him if it seemed like he was dragging his feet, then I would move without him. I simply have to escape this life.

For a long time I simply felt that I didn't deserve more than what I got. Being married to an addict, and a person with chronic illness does something to you. It puts you last. It tells you where you are in the batting order, and that is either behind everyone else- or simply the umpire. The one who decides what is 'safe' and gets yelled at all the time because your are making a bad call. I have had many psycologists tell me that Michael and I will not be able to focus on our marital problems until he first deals with his addiction problems, and then his health problems. He has been drinking, or on drugs, or sick, since the day we got married. It's been 7 years. SEVEN LONG YEARS. I can't wait until it's the right time for him. Once he's working, once he's feeling better, once the holidays are over.

No. I have to act when it's time for me. When I'm ready. I don't want to wait any longer, I have waited long enough. I should not have to wait another day.

I should not have to wait any longer to be the best part of someones day.
I should not have to wait any longer to be treated with respect.
I should not have to wait any longer for a partner- not just someone I'm married to.
I should not have to wait any longer to feel filled.
I should not have to wait any longer to be happy.

I'm ready. It's time to jump.

Waiting

Meditation For The Day

There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right. It is always a temptation to do something at once, instead of waiting until the proper time. Timing is important. I must learn, in the little daily situations of life, to delay action until I am sure that I am doing the right thing at the right time. So many lives lack balance and timing. In the momentous decisions and crises of life, they may ask God's guidance, but into the small situations of life, they rush alone.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may delay action until I feel that I am doing the right thing. I pray that I may not rush in alone.

==========















Am I ready to end the life I know and venture into a life unknown?

Soon.

Tuesday Ramblings

I am missing my kid today. This morning the two little ones were awake before I left for work so I put off doing my hair so I could sit with them for a few minutes and love on them. It was a good morning, so I did not want to miss the opportunity to get in a few hugs and exchange a few knock knock jokes. Alex will hopefully have his internet up in a few days so I can see him on the webcam by the weekend. I miss that little punk so much it hurts to think about him.

I'm trying to help Gabriel adjust. He doesn't understand what's wrong at home, he can't seem to pinpoint what is missing, but he knows that something is missing. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but he will say goodbye to Alex on the speaker phone. I am not sure if Alex misses us as much as we miss him.

Sarah is leaving on Thursday for Colorado. I know that Michael is struggling with that also. I know what he's feeling and just like he could not help me, I can't help him. I'm trying to put aside any feelings of animosity for him, and be there for him the way he was for me- but I admit, I have not been very good at it. Sometimes it's hard to be a good person when someone needs you, when that someone has hurt you so much. I don't pride myself on being the warmest, most sensitive girl I know- but I never thought I would be cold. Sometimes I see myself going that way. Shutting off to his feelings because I feel that he has shut himself off to mine. He's hardened me, but the only one I'm like that to- is him.

I've been reconnecting with old friends lately. I've been doing that over the past year, I guess. I've found some on myspace and that's fun to catch up. It's wonderful to talk to people who knew me back when- and it makes me wonder if I could ever be that girl again. If I could ever be fearless and a rebel and outgoing and fun, the way I'm told I used to be. I'm trying. I have been hearing stories about me, from the past, when I was in high school- and maybe around 18... and I'm not sure who that girl was- but she sure sounded like she was a blast.


















Who the hell is this girl?? and where the hell did she get those trashy ass nails!!!!!!!!
Thanks Robert for this picture- it freakin cracks me up!!!

Perception

"Moments of perception can build into a lifetime of spiritual serenity, as I have
excellent reason to know. Roots of reality will hold fast despite the high winds of the forces which would destroy us, or which we would use to destroy ourselves." - unknown...

More than the price of admission

Admitted we were powerless, our lives had become unmanageable.

Last night I reminded myself (and a friend) that all of my best efforts have brought me only to this point in my life. I am powerless, but not blameless. Sometimes we see the clear path of what the right thing to do is, but we choose to go the other way-down the wrong path- for nothing other than pure selfishness.

I cannot blame the things I am unhappy about on my situation, or on my husband or his situation. I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay 7 years ago when I was first faced with this. I chose to stay when I did have several oppotunities go leave. Was I being selfish?- was I trying to have what was not mine to have? Was I trying to create a life and a family where maybe there shouldn't be one? Was I trying to convince myself. Or maybe I was trying to make more out of less. I was trying to make the best of things, move things along and hope that perhaps it will all sort itself out in the end. I don't know, but what I know is that I have less than what I want in a marriage and that somehow makes my life a little less worth living.

I don't want a life that is not worth the effort it takes to live it. I can change it. I can make better choices and I can plan a better life and a better future for me. Happiness, a few laughs, respect, maybe even a man I can trust my whole heart with. But maybe now is not the time for that. Right now I have to stay on track with school and not deviate from the plan. First things first, and the first thing I need to do is secure my financial future- and that of my kids and that will come by finishing school. I know that while things are not exactly ideal here in this marriage, it's a means to an end and maybe in a few years, my best efforts will put me someplace else, someplace better. Maybe then love will come back to me- a love that I can believe in and a love that makes my life worth living. A love that is so real, I don't even feel that I deserve it because it's worth so much, and costs me so little.

Fear

Father Leo's Daily Meditation

Fear is a killer. It stops the God-given spirituality in our lives from
taking shape and making life enjoyable. Fear is connected with doubt -
doubt of self. Low self-esteem develops along with fear and in order
for confidence to develop, the fear must be faced, confronted and
talked about.

Fear is not going to go away because we wish it away or hope it sway
or even pray it away. Fear needs to be identified, located and seen for
what it is - or, as in most cases, what it isn't. Fear of people, things,
tomorrow or life itself grows so long as we forge that we are creatures
of God. There is nothing that cannot be faced or overcome.

Fear is never stronger than our spirituality. We need to bring
our fear into the light; then it can be overcome.
=================


Today I pray not to be afraid of what comes next. I find that I am gripped with fear lately because I feel outside of myself. Everything feels a bit off center and I am not sure how to get back there. I am practicing gratitude. I am allowing people in. Letting people love me, loving people back. Just putting one foot in front of the other, and letting life happen. I don't want to be so afraid of every next turn, that I miss the whole journey.

Let Go and Let God. I just need to practice that today. That is the response to fear.

Just let go.

All I've got

So it seems that it's been a while that I've really talked about program. I guess I haven't really had much of one in a while. I was going to meetings, at least one or two a month, but I think it's been a whole month now. I almost don't want to go back, but I know that I need to. I am struggling lately. My life feels uneasy- and I know it's cause I'm away from a place that I feel centered. It's when I'm in pain that I really need program, and I can't deny that right now, I'm in pain- but it's not the same kind of pain. I guess I can approach it the same way. Just walk through it.

Be where my feet are and just let it run it's course. I used to try to move on to the next thing, so I don't have to feel my pain- but it always catches up to me. So I guess whatever I am going through right now, I just have to feel it. Regardless of how long it takes and how much it hurts. Just feel it- so when it's over, it's over. That's the best I can do right now. I am torn apart and it's all I feel lately. I miss Alex. I have spoken to him, once or twice a day the last few days. And it doesn't make me feel any better. We don't talk about much. He's 11- his phone conversation skills are lousy. And so we don't talk for long. It's not about talking to him, it's about the fact that at the end of the day, he's not coming home.

My husband, shockingly, has been really great this weekend. He knows I am struggling. He can see me crying all the time, and he doesn't try to fix it for me. He doesn't try to reason me out of my feelings- and he doesn't try to make it better for me. He has been good about leaving me be, and picking up my slack. I warned him that I wasn't doing well. That I am having a hard time. I told him that it's not the time for HIM to have a breakdown, it's my turn and he's going to have to deal with that. He said that was fine. He has been taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and letting me sleep when I want to, which is really all I want to do right now. He brings me coffee and brings me a blanket. It's his way. We have a hard time relating to each other anymore, but I am grateful for his kind gestures. It must be awful to feel like this all the time. But I think today, I get it. Earlier today, I didn't even WANT to feel better. I just wanted to be sad, and cry and sleep. And I did. I left the house for lunch with my in-laws, and came home and went back to more sadness, more crying and more sleep. He didn't say a word. He knows how I feel right now. He can't make it better and he doesn't think he can either. But his efforts gave me something to be grateful about, and that helped me feel better tonight.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Or maybe the day after that.

I'm grateful for my husband being as great as he was today.
I'm grateful for my two boys who behaved at the restaurant at lunch and both of them napped afterwards.
I'm grateful that my son is safe and having fun, even if he's not with me.
I'm grateful that I have a job that I can go to tomorrow that is fun and engaging and keeps me busy and thinking.
I'm grateful that I have friends who love me and who are concerned for me right now and who are calling to check up on me, and try to cheer me up- even if they can't. It makes me feel good to know that I'm loved.

This too shall pass.

God I hope so.

Unconditional friendship

One of my best male friends is moving with his family this week. We have been friends for almost 2 decades and he has been so important and so supportive for as long as I can remember. We have faded in and out of each others lives for years. Talk consistently for a few months, then not for a few months, in and out, back and forth- the way true friends do. I know his family and they all know me, from his daugther to his mom. I have never known anyone who I didn't give birth to who was consistently so pleased to see me.

All of the major decisions I've made, since I was about 20 I have discussed with him. There was not much that happened, that he didn't know about eventually. And with all the the choices, good or bad, all of the messes I've gotten myself in to, and there were plenty, he was always there with support and kind words. Even if I couldn't BE more wrong. He allowed me to make my decisions and make my choices and never tried to push his own opinions on me, even though I know him well enough to know he had them. Whenever I was feeling down or sad, a quick phone call was all I needed to cheer me up and make me feel like I could make it through. I'm certain that I have not been as crucial to his life as he has been to mine. We have spouses and children and lives that are so incredibly different, but we share a friendship that has lasted a long time and has always meant more to me that he probably even realizes.

He sent me an email recently about friendship and how people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don't have it handy, but I'm sure it's been rotated before because I've read it before. And I truly feel that he is a friend for a lifetime. I know I will still talk to him and I know I will see him ag
ain- but it makes me sad how we move on. People come in and out of your life and you just keep going, sometimes not even looking at those we have left behind. And sometimes, constantly looking back- and wishing we could have taken them along.

I have lost touch with many friends whom I thought I would know my whole life. And I have kept in touch with people who I was certain were merely around for a short duration. There's little rhyme or reason to why people come in and out of your life- and you can't control how long they will stay. Loss is hard. I've lost alot of people I love, some of them by no fault of my own- and some of them were the direct result of something I was at fault for. Sometimes it's just the way life moves us through.

I don't know where I'm going with this. There is no easy way to say goodbye when you know there a chance that perhaps it's goodbye for good. Maybe our lives will get busy and eventually the phone calls will get to be few and far between. Weeks turn to months, to years and all of a sudden, a long time has been TOO long. It's just the way things go and sometimes you can't change that no matter how much you want to.

A reason, a season or a lifetime.

Either way.

To you:
In the end I'm so very grateful for the friendship we share and for how you have added more to my life than you will ever understand.

It's never easy letting go

Looking at this picture, I can see how much Alex and I really DO look alike. With my hair pulled back and no makeup on, the resemblace is undeniable. When I look at him, I usually see his dad, but in this picture, there is not a doubt in the world that this kid looks like me. I noticed once in a photograph when he was 5 or 6 that our hands are similar. But usually I guess because I don't look at myself at the same time, I never realized how much he does look like me.

He left last night. His dad showed up at 9PM on the nose and we loaded up the car. He said goodbye to his older stepsister who spent the day with us, and his little brothers who were clueless and tired and grumpy. Outside my husband gave him a hug and told him he loved him. And then Alex turned to me and said "Bye Mom" and we hugged tight and for the first time I started to cry. I didn't completely fall apart at that moment, because I was trying to be strong for Alex- but the tears were there and I hugged him tight and I really didn't want to let go. I thought for a moment how tall he was, and how he is not a baby anymore, but a young boy who is not too much shorter than me and I wondered when that happened, and why hadn't I noticed it until now. How long had it been since I had really stopped and hugged this kid tight??

We hugged for what felt like an thirty minutes while my husband went inside, appropriately feeling like this was a moment that was between Alex and me and my ex. I kissed Alex and told him how much I love him, and I will talk to him soon and I shuffled him into the car. His dad, my ex husband put his arms out to hug me. It was then I broke down. I cried, hard, into his shoulder while he patted and rubbed my back and promised me that he would take care of Alex. He promised me that he would be ok. He told me they would miss me, and "I love ya Jules" and he said what I never thought I would care to hear from him, he said, "You've done a good job raising our son." That meant alot to me- even though I never felt like I needed his approval before.

I went inside the house before they drove away and I went to my room and cried some more. My husband came in, and held me while I cried even more. I felt like I couldn't speak, but only sob- feeling like a peice of my heart had been taken away and the first thing I did say when I words could come out was, "Have I just made a huge mistake?"

But even as the words came out, I knew that I hadn't. I know that this choice will not make Alex unhappy. He is not being shipped off kicking and screaming, and I am sure that while he may still be a little sad today- he is already starting to get excited about it- as while I am very sad, I am excited FOR him. The other day I told Alex that saying goodbye is the hardest part. The actual moment of goodbye is the hardest. That yesterday would be the hardest part of all of this, and as soon as it's over, it will start to feel better a little at a time. I promised him that saying goodbye will be very hard and it wil hurt, but it only hurts for a little while. In my case, I also hope that's true.

Today I got out of the house. I went to my friends house and we sat by the pool and talked girl talk. She let me talk about my feelings and I was grateful for that. It's nice to be listened to and not always lectured at. It's not important to always get the 'devils advocate' opinion or sometimes anyones opinion. I don't need anyone to solve my lifes problems, but I think it's ok to ask for an ear to bend if I need it.

Still, it's Sunday night and I will not be recieving the call I get almost every Sunday night from my ex husband telling me that he is on his way with my son. My son is not coming home tonight- and I miss him already.

You never realize that anything in your life is missing until it's filled, and in turn you never know that you are filled, until something is missing.

3 days

(Pic is from Decemeber 2004)

Tonight on the way home from my mom's house- Alex started crying. He said he was sad because he was not going to see his grandmother after tomorrow until Christmastime. I have thought that as soon as I saw him cry, I would start crying- but I didn't.

It's amazing how when we need to be strong, it sort of comes from nowhere. I assured him that he would talk to her all the time. That she is always logged in to Yahoo Messenger and he can chat with her probably every day. She'll get a webcam. So he can talk to her on that too and see her. Alex has always been very close with my mother. Sometimes closer than I prefer. If I want to get him to eat anything, I tell him that it's leftovers and that she made it.

My mother and I had a horrible fight when I told her that Alex was leaving. She has calmed down considerable, but she and I share different ideas about this. There are a few people who don't support my decision, but I know that it's good for him and he will enjoy the adventure and maybe even thank me someday for allowing him to go. Yesterday when he was crying, I wanted to tell him, "Alex if you don't want to go- you don't have to." I wanted to tell him that I didn't WANT him to go. I think if I cry and do enough talking, I can convince him that I won't be ok without him- and manipulate him into staying. And even I though I would be somewhat pleased, it's just more guilt that I don't need.

I have alot of friends who are very concerned and sorry for my "loss". But I did not LOSE custody of him. He did not get killed or abducted. This was a decision that I made to let him live with his father. Not a sister or a grandparent, not a distant relative. But his FATHER. The man who ALSO promised to love and care for him. My ex and I have grown to have a pretty decent friendship over the past years and we respect and understand each other, which is more than I can say for alot of ex couples. I think that Alex will only benefit by seeing us getting along. There are those who simply don't agree with what I'm doing, and that is ok too. I am grateful for my friends who love and support me, even if they don't agree with this decision. But like many things in my life, it was not one that I came to easily. I am not impulsive and while I am not exactly a "warm and fuzzy" mom, I do cherish my children and freely admit that I would never know true love without them. And it's because I love Alex with all my heart that I will let him go and experience something different and exciting and something that will make him happy.

Every month in Oprah's magazine she has a feature called "This I know for sure" or something like that- and here is what I know for sure.

As mothers, our choices are never easy.