D-man rocks!

This is my 100th post!!! And so I thought I'd SuperSize it and bring in a guest blogger cause I'm so damn cool and modern.

So I have asked the D-Man to write something and lighten the mood around here, cause I check his blog religiously- and I wanted to do something damn cool and modern.

I'm in the middle of midterms and unfortuately not fairing too well so far. More on that later... and now- I present to you, the D-Man!!!

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You know how some countries have bears or eagles or tigers or dragons as their national mascot?

New Zealand has the Kiwi.

No, not the fruit.

Which is actually originally from China.

I mean the bird.

It’s small, fat, flightless, and too scared to come out during the day. Probably because it knows it’s endangered…

I’m not sure what that particular feathered symbolism says about my nation.

To be honest, I think I’d rather have a kiwifruit as a national mascot. At least people can choke to death eating Kiwifruit.

Cool.

The non-fruit kiwi does have a HUGE

Beak, though.

Which it uses to terrify snails and assorted bugs.

That’s the problem with New Zealand.

We don’t really have any dangerous wildlife here.

And I reckon you’re not living life on the edge unless you can wake up in the morning and leave your house and risk getting mauled by a cougar or a dingo or an elephant or a rabid koala bear.

Or the odd poisonous snake or spider.

I guess that’s why NZers invent stupid things like bungee jumping and jet boating and electric fences. To compensate for the not-so-wild and dangerous wildlife.

That said, we do have this one bird, an alpine parrot, known as the Kea.

It’s a vicious little mutha, with a reputation for ripping cars apart with its sharp beak.

In fact, its reputation is so bad, that the organisers of a vintage car rally held here last month had to hire Karate experts to fight the birds and keep the vehicles safe.

I shit you not.

If we have to have a bird as a mascot, then surely that would be way cooler than a fat little Endangered Species List bird that can’t even fly.

I will say this for the kiwi (bird) though:

It is very nice and juicy and flightlessness makes for an easy catch..

You can really taste the endangeredness. Goes nicely with a few slices of Kiwifruit.

And it’s almost as good as eating panda, or a baby dolphin….

Yum.

Why I still go to meetings.....

My next post will be my 100th post. To celebrate the fact that I have kept up with this for 100 posts, I have asked a guest blogger- cause I'm so damn modern.... he has accepted, but now I am fretting that he will change his mind and realize that I'm just not good enough for his writing.
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This morning I dragged my ass to an Al-Anon meeting. I haven't been in at least a month, I think. And I have no really good reason other than I just have things to do on Saturdays. Upon walking in the door (early!) I was greeting by a few regular attendees. I sat alone and quiet and waited for the meeting to begin, all the while wondering if I even belonged here?- maybe I would leave at the break, maybe I would leave before the closing prayer. The meeting always starts with 1/4 of the people in attendance. There were about 7 people when it started, about 25 people about 1/2 way through, and maybe 20 people at the end. I can't explain that.
I love this meeting though.
There are usually anywhere from 5-10 men in attendance, which is nice because it feels good to hear a man's perspective. Alot of the attendees also go to some different meeting, maybe AA, NA, or a different 12 step program, as well as a few people in counseling. While in general, the topics stay focused on the Al-Anon principles, we do share on psychological things too. One of my favorite meetings were about 'self-parenting' and 'my inner child' in which I stated that my inner child is a scared little whiny bitch who I just try to keep quiet....
Anyway, being early to the meeting, you usually get picked to read some of the literature- which I always love to do, because sometimes when you read it outloud, you really READ it- and not just listen to someone else read what you have heard a thousand times over. So today I managed to pick out the longest reading there is, Understanding Ourselves.
I don't remember if I have shared a section of this literature before but I'm going to do it again. Each meeting can 'choose' it's own literature to read, but I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting anywhere what does not read this one. It bears repeating again and again...

Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.

For newcomers, who hear this for the first time- it is usually at this point in the reading that the crying starts, if they were not crying when they walked in the door. I know for me, I felt that it was my fault because for all my efforts, I could not help him. I have said this many times... "Nothing that I did EVER stopped him from doing whatever it was he wanted to do" It means that all of my best efforts never made a damn difference to an addict who needed his fix. And while I know that, I also remember that it still felt like hell at the time, and still feels pretty crappy today.

So anyway, I was reading this literature and I realized why I still go to meetings. Because it reminds me of where I've been. It reminds me that what has happened in my marriage and happened to my LIFE, has made me into the person that I AM, good and bad. The shot to my self esteem, the loss of my self image, the crippling of my spirit, the damage to my very soul- can be explained in that first sentence. "Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault." I know a lot of people who have parents and siblings who are addicts, and they are not anywhere close to being damaged by it. Perhaps it's because they never blamed themself for it. I salute these people, but I am not one of them. Not by a long shot, baby.

I'm grateful for Maxwell House....

I thought to post a gratitude list today. Just feeling that... Life doesn't suck today, so lets acknowledge that...but first- some coffee. And yours truly just made a fresh pot because it makes the nurses like me. So I walk over and pour myself a wonderful cup of life giving caffiene... and there is no creamer. None. No creamer, or "nada" as the Sodexo gal tells me. Milk? We look in the little fridge, "nada". So I make a trip to the basement and get some creamer from the cafeteria. I don't know if getting creamer, but no coffee constitutes as stealing, I certainly hope not. I should have gotten some extra creamer, because my boss is going to want coffee when she gets here- but I think she might be ok without creamer, or hopefully by the time she gets here- they will have replenished the coffee station..

Ok, so my gratitude list is going to have to be short because I spent 15 minutes getting creamer for my coffee....but it's a well spent 15 minutes and without it, I become psycho/machete girl and people don't like her.

So here's what I am grateful for right now, and you know, it's the simple things in life that make my life worth getting out of bed at all....

1. My coffee is now the perfect temperature to drink.
2. My sister gave me this really awesome lipstick that does not wear off, seriously, for at least 5 hours.
3. Went out to dinner with my family last night- including my husband.
4. Husband and I are getting along pretty well lately. This morning, as I am five minutes out of bed, he stopped me in the hall way and hugged me for a what seemed like quite a long time, and I didn't hate it.
5. My kids are healthy and only minimally scarred by having me as a mom.
6. My brother will be out of Iraq for two weeks in a month. I'm so excited to see him and I will be able to give him a sizeable check for the van I am buying from him.
7. I love my van.
8. I got out on Saturday night, went drinking and had a great time, and made it home safely. And while I had a bitch of a hangover, I received no guilt from husband for having some fun.
9. I love my job and I could not ask for a better boss.
10. My friends are awesome.
11. After quite a scare, it turns out that one of my friends does NOT have cancer!!!!
12. My sister burned me a copy of The Go Go's Greatest Hits, and you know...what? We really DO got the beat!!

I'm out.
-j

10 years in prison for getting a blow job!!

Lately I have been just baffled with this news story. The 17 year old with a promising future who is going to jail for 10 years, for getting a blow job??

Let me start with the latter story, because you know...I watched the news. I saw the video. That boy was leaning BACK on the bed with his hands behind him, while that girl was doin her thing, or really- HIS thing, and the things of 4 other boys too. How can anyone claim that it was not consentual. Yeah yeah, legal age of consent.... sure.... but you know, I was 15 once. I know what I was doing. And I consented to it.

I feel for this girl, because maybe it was the humiliation of the whole slutty thing being on tape- her going from guy to guy to guy...christ girl...to guy...sigh...to guy. But really, nobody was forcing you.

Ugh...it's disturbing, yes. But you know honey, those are your consequences. I feel for this girls' mother- who I HOPE feels bad that a kid who would have had a future, is going to come out of jail in 10 years, probably not even a shadow of the man he could have been otherwise- all because he let HER daughter suck his dick. I guess those are his consequences too. But the punishment does not come close to fitting the crime. I have no idea what the legal age of consent is in California. No clue. Based on the way the girls are dressing now a days, I would be shocked if it was 16. I had started my senior in high school when I was 16. My first 'experience' (not sex) was when I was a freshmen- you do the math. And that was 20+ years ago- I doubt that the girls have gotten less promiscuous.

Did you see the movie 13?? Yeah, scary as hell for parents, and not totally inaccurate.

I think personal responsibility has to come in to play for all parties involved. Perhaps this boy and his 4 buddies should have known it was indecent for all that to happen. Perhaps they should have more respect for women than that. They should have thought about if that 15 year old girl was thier friend, thier cousin, or thier baby sister- and someone should have said, "honey- you better go."

Perhaps the girl should have had more self respect. Who knows what she was thinking. Maybe she was drinking. I don't remember. But apparently alot of sex was going on at that party, because this same kid was acquitted on rape charges for having sex with another girl that same night. (THAT video tape made it clear that it was consentual) So apparently that was the kind of party that it WAS- so what the hell are you doing there???

Disturbing as it is at a young age. In general, it's ok if you like sex. If Madonna has taught us anything, she taught us that it's ok to want to get laid once in a while. But take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your actions, your whereabouts. This girl put 5 young men in jail, and not because they tied her down and raped her- but because she made her way around the room to get to each of them- ON VIDEO TAPE, no less.

Three boys from Orange County, CA- each got 6 years for sexual assault that was also on video tape. THAT seems more worthy of a 10 year sentence.

And why do these idiots put everything on video???

I love this song

http://www11.rapidupload.com/d.php?file=dl&filepath=17436 .

My song came home on Sunday with "Best O Boingo" in his CD player. How awesome is it that my 11 year old has good taste in music. And I had not heard this song in ages, and I love it. Probably one of my all time favorites.

A jillion years ago, a boy who I was pretty good friends with, Jason McEachran- super duper hottie guy, decided that he liked me as more than a friend and wanted to go out with me- or something.... we did the or something....I'm not sure if we ever actually went out. Anyway, I remember he wrote the words out to this song....

So I thought I'd share it.....

New profile picture

So I changed my profile picture, but for whatever reason, it still shows the old one on the main page, but when you look at my profile you can see it. I think maybe it just takes a day to update, I don't know. Either way, I updated it to a happier picture. Yes, the woman is still sort of draped over something, and damn...I guess it does look like she's pining... but you know- at least it's more colorful.

So why did I do it?? I was emailing my sponsor this morning. I have started doing that again. When I was at my old job, I would email her daily after reading whatever the daily page was in my meditation book- and how can I apply whatever the theme of that page is...to my life. When I started at the hospital- I stopped doing that because of time restraints- a shared office with my boss... etc. But anyway- my boss is super cool with everything I do- and it only takes a few minutes really. And really- I really need to work my program somehow. I cannot make it to meetings lately. I don't know if it's because when I get home and I have some time to relax, I just fall asleep...or because 75% of the time, Michael is going out or he's sleeping. Either way, the nights that I probably COULD make it to a meeting- I just never manage to get out of the house. The good thing is that the meetings are not 100% of the Al-Anon program. I can do other things- like talk to my sponsor, read my books, write, talk to other Al-Anon friends, pray. So anyway, I do what I can- but I have to make efforts. I know that I will slip right out of this program and right back into the crappy ways if I don't. A friend of mine told me that I am happier when I work my program, and it's noticable.

Anyway.... I was emailing my sponsor today and I was writing about Faith and Freedom from the Bondage of Self. And for those of you who read the Big Book you will know that this is part of the Third Step Prayer , that I faithfully said for a long time without really understanding the concept of Freedom from the Bondage of Self. About a year ago while listening to an AA speaker on tape, it was only then that I understood what it meant. That I don't have to SAY everything that comes in to my head, that I don't have to DO every stupid and crazy thing that I think about doing. Not that I don't DO stupid and crazy things from time to time, because believe me, I do. But self-will is dangerous and will only get me into trouble. "The first requirement is that you see that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. . . ." My life is only unmanageable when I try so hard to make everything happen according to MY plan. My will simply won't be done. So I have to let it go. And that has made all the difference I think. I can't be sure- sometimes I wonder if I am just tired of swimming up stream so I'm being complacent. That is very possible. Most recently Michael did something that pissed me off, inappropriate and just shitty. And I really didn't do anything about it. I was mad, I told him how mad I was, and all that jazz, but in the end I was not going to DO anything about it.
Yes, he pissed me off- and I was hurt and angry and all that- but I knew that I was not about to say "Ok- you have to leave now." because I would not have meant that. So I told him that I was really really angry and that I thought he was a jerk- and I let it go. What I could have done is flown off the handle- told him that I loathed him, that I wanted him out- that I wish he would die. I could have pulled out every stop and been my most ugly and self-righteous self, even if it was justified. And in the end, I would feel guilty. I would probably forgive him, out of mere neccesity and but I could never take those things back. Self-Bondage... and not in the good way.

So as I was writing to my sponsor, I realized that my life is ok lately. Even if things are not perfect, they are not unlivable. School is going well. I love my job. My kids are fine. There is money in the bank. I have great friends that I am enjoying spending time with, being social, and not hiding away. In general, life doesn't suck right now. There are things that are not SO great, but there alot of things that ARE great so I should not complain, or let it dampen the things that ARE good.

And I almost didn't realize it. Today, I'm happy. And it has nothing to do with whether or not Michael is happy- or if everything in my life is going the way I want it to. I'm just happy lately, because good things are happening, and I'm not too miserable to notice it!!!

wtf?

That was the reply that I got via email from my best friend yesterday. I emailed her to tell her that my white blood count "normalized" so I'm fine. Except I am having swelling in my legs and feet and my arms and hands and it hurts to use them. Yesterday seemed worse than today- but I slept weird so I have a weird kink in my back so that seems to be consuming all the pain I have available today. I sound like my husband...what can I bitch about today?? But I am apparently fine, even though I still don't FEEL fine.

I watched "Walk the Line" last night. I really enjoyed it. At the end I realized that June Carter Cash died and then Johnny died 4 months later. 4 months. I always think it's so interesting and romantic when these couples die so close together. That's when you die of a broken heart, I think. When even death can keep some people apart. Romantic. And I love a good love story.

This weekend I am going to visit my sisters and attend a Cookie Lee party. It's a fund raiser for the Cure Autism Now walk, so I will also buy some new jewelry and that always makes me happy too. I spoke to my sister the other day and I was so pleased to hear that my neice is doing so well. I have not seen her, Megan, in a few months and I am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. I can't wait to hang out with my sisters for a little while. Just be me, and I like who I am when I'm with them.

Happy Friday.

Excuse me while I bitch this out....

Ok, so now I have actual symptoms. My joints hurt. My wrists, and fingers and ankles and knees and everything that bends...hurts. I woke up this morning and my hands are swollen. My feet are a little swollen too, but it's only noticable because my shoes feel tighter.
My doctor mentioned that my white blood count was low, so I called back and asked HOW low. 2.6. The normal range is 4.5-10, so 2.6 is low.... What does that mean? who knows. It might mean nothing- it might be a fluke, I'm not a doctor and Google gives me all sorts of things. So we will see what the blood test comes back with. I don't know what she is checking for, complete blood count, and some sort of liver enzymes. Can you imagine how fucking ironic it would be for ME to have some liver disease???
This morning it hurt to wash my hair. Lifting my arms to wash my hair was painful because my fingers hurt, my wrists, elbows shoulders... all my moving parts. Not to mention that I have ALOT of hair. So you can imagine. I feel like such a little bitch for complaining about this crap. I asked my husband to help me get dressed this morning. As he was helping me clasp my bra I thought for a moment, Oh God, what if I ever get REALLY sick and I need him to take care of me?? I'll be dead for sure...

So I'm reminded of a joke...
A woman is in a coma and as she is getting bathed, the nurses notice a reaction as they are cleaning her va-jay-jay. So the doctor says to the husband, why don't you perform oral sex on her, and see what happens. So they leave the room and wait outside. Suddenly the heart monitor goes off and the woman dies. The doctor asks the husband, "what the hell happened?" and he husband replies, "I dont know...I guess she choked."

At least I still have my sense of humor....