New profile picture

So I changed my profile picture, but for whatever reason, it still shows the old one on the main page, but when you look at my profile you can see it. I think maybe it just takes a day to update, I don't know. Either way, I updated it to a happier picture. Yes, the woman is still sort of draped over something, and damn...I guess it does look like she's pining... but you know- at least it's more colorful.

So why did I do it?? I was emailing my sponsor this morning. I have started doing that again. When I was at my old job, I would email her daily after reading whatever the daily page was in my meditation book- and how can I apply whatever the theme of that page is...to my life. When I started at the hospital- I stopped doing that because of time restraints- a shared office with my boss... etc. But anyway- my boss is super cool with everything I do- and it only takes a few minutes really. And really- I really need to work my program somehow. I cannot make it to meetings lately. I don't know if it's because when I get home and I have some time to relax, I just fall asleep...or because 75% of the time, Michael is going out or he's sleeping. Either way, the nights that I probably COULD make it to a meeting- I just never manage to get out of the house. The good thing is that the meetings are not 100% of the Al-Anon program. I can do other things- like talk to my sponsor, read my books, write, talk to other Al-Anon friends, pray. So anyway, I do what I can- but I have to make efforts. I know that I will slip right out of this program and right back into the crappy ways if I don't. A friend of mine told me that I am happier when I work my program, and it's noticable.

Anyway.... I was emailing my sponsor today and I was writing about Faith and Freedom from the Bondage of Self. And for those of you who read the Big Book you will know that this is part of the Third Step Prayer , that I faithfully said for a long time without really understanding the concept of Freedom from the Bondage of Self. About a year ago while listening to an AA speaker on tape, it was only then that I understood what it meant. That I don't have to SAY everything that comes in to my head, that I don't have to DO every stupid and crazy thing that I think about doing. Not that I don't DO stupid and crazy things from time to time, because believe me, I do. But self-will is dangerous and will only get me into trouble. "The first requirement is that you see that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. . . ." My life is only unmanageable when I try so hard to make everything happen according to MY plan. My will simply won't be done. So I have to let it go. And that has made all the difference I think. I can't be sure- sometimes I wonder if I am just tired of swimming up stream so I'm being complacent. That is very possible. Most recently Michael did something that pissed me off, inappropriate and just shitty. And I really didn't do anything about it. I was mad, I told him how mad I was, and all that jazz, but in the end I was not going to DO anything about it.
Yes, he pissed me off- and I was hurt and angry and all that- but I knew that I was not about to say "Ok- you have to leave now." because I would not have meant that. So I told him that I was really really angry and that I thought he was a jerk- and I let it go. What I could have done is flown off the handle- told him that I loathed him, that I wanted him out- that I wish he would die. I could have pulled out every stop and been my most ugly and self-righteous self, even if it was justified. And in the end, I would feel guilty. I would probably forgive him, out of mere neccesity and but I could never take those things back. Self-Bondage... and not in the good way.

So as I was writing to my sponsor, I realized that my life is ok lately. Even if things are not perfect, they are not unlivable. School is going well. I love my job. My kids are fine. There is money in the bank. I have great friends that I am enjoying spending time with, being social, and not hiding away. In general, life doesn't suck right now. There are things that are not SO great, but there alot of things that ARE great so I should not complain, or let it dampen the things that ARE good.

And I almost didn't realize it. Today, I'm happy. And it has nothing to do with whether or not Michael is happy- or if everything in my life is going the way I want it to. I'm just happy lately, because good things are happening, and I'm not too miserable to notice it!!!