Finals and endings

Well this has been an incredibly exhausting weekend!!! I am so tired and it's not a good way to be considering I have two presentations, three finals, and one paper due in the next two weeks. I'm just trying to knock them out as they come along one at a time, not really giving me enough time to properly study for any ONE event.

Last night I took a nice break and took the babies to visit with my brothers girlfriend and that was really nice. I tend to not take them too many places, because it's just very tiring, but luckily she and her daughter were both very patient and played with them too. They had fun and were asleep before we hit the freeway ont he way home. I also go to burn like 15 of her CD's, so that was WAY cool and I have a whole new collection for my MP3 player and the car.

On Thursday of last week I had an issue come up with my sponsor regarding the number of meeting I am going to, my level of commitment to the program and a question of whether or not she plans to remain my sponsor. I was pretty upset by it, as I was under the assumption that she knew that I was taking in as many meetings as I could fit in- so this EMAIL came as somewhat of a suprise. But I was not going to question her boundaries, so I emailed her back, told her that I really cannot increase my "program intake" because I don't have the time, and if I do it "cause she says so" I will only resent her for it. She has since contacted me via email and a phone call and I have not called her or emailed her back yet. There really isn't a whole lot to say, I guess. I'm angry about it. It's not that I don't CARE what she has to say, of course I do, and in the second email and the voice mail, she suggested that perhaps she should not have sent it to ME (apparently she sent it to ALL the girls she sponsors!). I don't know. All I know is that I felt kind of rejected and misunderstood by someone who seemed to so convincingly tell me that she UNDERSTOOD why I was not going to as many meetings right now. She's human, and she did somewhat apoligize in her message. And I know that I should let it go- but the truth is, I am NOT working my program the way I know she would like me to so perhaps I will just consistently feel like I am disappointing her.

But it IS a program of suggestion and there are no rules to how many meetings you HAVE to go to. When I was participating in the online Al-Anon message board, I was VERY involved with that. Daily. And I had not stepped foot inside a meeting for a year, but you could not tell me I didn't have a program. Because daily I was sharing experience, strength, and hope with people in that group. Sometimes we talked on the phone to each other. Some of the girls sponsered each other. We talked about the steps, the traditions, we had 'group conscious' by way of online voting. The online message boards were never meant to substitute for meetings- but as long as you are getting the message... as long as we were benefiting from the gifts of the program- it's program.

I don't know, I'm twisted up about it. I don't know what the hell to do. Just like I don't have the time to go to a meeting, I don't have the time to deal with whatever I am feeling about this. Not right now. Even as it is, the 20 minutes it took to type this, I should have been getting the babies dressed so I can go pick up thier brother from his dad's...while I practice my presentation in the car.