God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
and Wisdom to know the difference.
I read this prayer so often that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. I think in the beginning of my program, this prayer was all I could hold on to, and maybe not even all of it. Accept the things I cannot change... This is always a struggle for me. I was so convinced that with the right amount of nagging, begging, or even LOVE, I could plant seeds of change.
Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.
Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."
Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.
I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.
Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.
Accepting that I am no real use to him when he was in trouble has always been a struggle for me. After 10 some odd years together, very little has changed. I am still no real use to him when he's in trouble, and I still struggle with that.
Serenenity is the Courage to let go of what is not mine to handle. It seems so simple. Not my problem. Not my business. But in reality- it's not so simple for me. Today as I was dropping the kids off with my mom- she commented on how if he doesn't have anyplace to go, then he's my responsibility again. I said, "no- he's not." and as I headed for the door she reminded me, "He's YOUR husband. You married him. It is your responsibility."
Part of me wonders why I listen to that shit. Why I let her voice penetrate my logic. Because I DO feel that it somewhat IS my responsibility as his wife to be concerned for his well being. I guess I am not looking to IGNORE that responsibility, as much as I am looking for someone (and it would be nice if it were HIM) to take ON that responsibility for me. I realize as I'm typing it- all the problems with what I am saying and what I am thinking. This is against everything that I've learned in program. This is NOT my responsiblity- because we all have a responsibility for ourselves. He is not a child- he's a grown man. But he is also VERY sick. Physically and mentally he is very ill and he can't make decisions like a rational human being, because he just isn't rational.
I am not changing my mind. I know that I need to walk away from this to save my own life and that of the boys. His condition is very narcissistic and I need to be selfish for all of our sake. I will get over any guilt I am feeling, and I am hoping that in the end, I will know I've done the right thing. But today when he cried on my shoulder out of frustration, anger, pain and just sheer exhaustion it seems hard to see that end.
Doing the right thing isn't always easy, and it rarely feels as good as it should. Doing the wrong thing tends to obsolve us of guilt and give us some sort of pleasure. Doing the right thing can talk a lot of energy, it doesn't always offer instant gratification, and sometimes it rips your heart out. So simply based on how this feels, I guess I couldn't be any more right in walking away.
No comments:
Post a Comment