Mama said there'd be days like this....

I'm not sure if I'm the cat or the dog.

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Last night on my way home from Karaoke with my friends, I realized that my old patterns are coming back. I have again, fallen in to the old patterns of giving too much of myself and not getting the same back in return, and then feeling pushed aside or slighted for it. I found myself in tears, feeling rejected and lonely. I am not sure how valid these feelings really are. I am not good at holding back my feelings. I'm not very good at rejection in any form and I'm not the kind of person to play the game and pretend I don't care, when I do. I'm absolutely transparent that way. So my friends are looking at me, I suppose, thinking, what the hell is the matter with you? And the truth is, I don't know. Do I having unrealistic expectations? Am I demanding and irrational? Am I behaving like a spoiled child?

And why?

I feel so unsettled and stressed. I have a daily headache. I am consistently anxious, despite my medications to keep from being that way. Perhaps it's because the clock is ticking, I am determined to keep my boundaries regarding my husband moving out and I'm practically getting hives from the prospect of having to enforce them. My life is on the verge of changing. I have a clear cut opportunity to have a better life- and I think I'm scared to death. I'm leaving the present plan of "a miserable life" behind. And replacing it with a clean slate. Possibilities Unknown. Opportunities Unknown. I always assumed that the demon I know is better than the demon I don't know- that is how I have played it safe for so long. But I know that is so illogical in this case- but I'm scared anyway.

I know that I'm supposed to make MYSELF happy first. I know that I have to address the emotional issues that trapped me in this so-called-life. But I feel insecure and vulnerable, and when I feel that way- I fight back. I don't know if I'm the kitten fighting the big dog, or the big dog attacking the kitten. And who am I fighting with anyway??

Last night on my way home, I was tempted to stop at a local motel and check in. Turn off my phone and hide. Instead I came home and got a decent nights sleep. And this morning, in the light of day- it still sounds like a pretty viable option for the weekend.