Nails in the fence

Daily OM Horoscope

You may feel vulnerable today and at the mercy of all who might criticize your actions or choices. An offhand and thoughtless comment made by a colleague, relative, or friend can injure you to the core if you feel overly sensitive. This susceptibility can leave you feeling exposed and prone to emotional outbursts. Yet you may be able to curb your sensitivity by remembering that you likely have little control over how people in your personal and professional spheres interpret the world. What one person deems irrational may seem quite logical to another. Should you find yourself feeling hurt by denigration today, remind yourself that the judgment was in all likelihood not intended to cause you pain and then simply move on with your life.
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Simply move on with my life. Sounds so easy. Last night in class our teacher told that story about the father who wanted to teach his son a lesson about saying mean and cutting remarks and had him hammer a nail into the fence every time he made a comment like that. And then once he stopped making those comments, he removed a nail for every day he didn't make those kinds of comments and then once all the nails were removed, they analyzed the fence and noticed all the holes, and how you can remove the "nail" (I'm sorry. ect), but the holes are still there.

Today I kind of feel like I'm filled with holes. I can move on with my life. Get rid of everything that isn't working in my life (Doesn't leave much) and move forward, but the holes are still there. I will surely carry fears from this relationship into the next one. I will certainly have my guard up and be sensitive about certain things- I see that happening already. As friendships fade in and out- my constant questions is "What did I do wrong? and How can I fix it?" All my experienced, 12 step-ed, psychologist visited, adviced out the wazoo, and every book ever read intelligence tells me that everything is not my fault, and other peoples problems or issues are not my fault and that sometimes relationships take turns and that is not always MY FAULT. And while I acknowledge it- and believe it- and some days I RELY on it- there is still that nagging voice that says, "what did you do now?" when something goes wrong.

The only way I can keep myself away from that kind of destructive behavior is to walk away from it. Not get resentful, not continue to tear myself down and take the blame, but to just walk away, or at least step back. If nothing else, it keeps me from having to put any nails in the fence.