Everybody's had to fight to be free.

"Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free"

Today was a pretty good day by most accounts. My husband and I seem to be 'wrapping things up'. He's putting things into boxes, downsizing his belongings. Deciding what will stay for a while, and what he will take with him. Part of me still doesn't believe it's actually happening. Part of me is still expecting for something to come up and he won't be able to leave. The actual moving of the things has been pushed back a few days, even thought HE won't physically be here. He's going back into the hospital the week after next to get "fitted" for his insulin pump, which we are really glad about.

He is really glad about.

I am not supposed to give a damn.

But I admit. I do.
I hope that this helps him.
I hope he starts being compliant.
I hope he doesn't die within a few years, because that is where he's headed if he doesn't get serious RIGHT NOW.
He has spent a lot of time the last few days with the boys- and they are loving it, spending the time with thier dad. Sometimes I look over and watch them playing and I feel sad that it has to be this way.
But it does.

In the long run, it's better for everyone. Maybe this is why people leave in such a hurry. Because there is less time to look back and change your mind. I've given myself a lot of time to make this decision and I changed my mind a few times. I didn't rush or make the decision based on one bad fight or one bad incidence. This went wrong on almost every level and even then, we still tried to salvage what we could. I was explaining to my brother today that I am doing this my way, in my time- and in a way that will make me hate myself the least. While I have some guilt, I have no doubt that this is the right decision to make. And I am certain that I won't look back or regret it. Because I didn't rush in to it, or, out of it. I didn't walk away without thinking it through. Believe me, I've thought it through. I've spent years thinking it through, and I can say with 100% certainty, I did the absolute best I could, with what I had to make this marriage livable. And it simply isn't anymore. I struggled for a while, and kept it together- made the best of the good times etc., but eventually it became less and less workable. The good times were so few and far between and they didn't make up for the bad times. It's all about the bad times. And I know now that this is no way to live my life.

Nobody pointed it out to me. Nobody pushed me, or forced me. I did it on my own in my own time. And there has been a price to pay for it- but I think I will be able to live with myself, knowing that I feel I did what I thought was right.