Debtors Prison

It's early. I woke up at 4AM from this dream that all of my money was gone from my checking account! GONE. Now there is not a HUGE amount in there- but there is more than usual. It's not all already spent, but some of it is. I got up and checked, and it's all still there. Nothing weird, shocking or spectacular.

I budget my money in a weird way. I do it in excel. I have a spreadsheet and I have a box for each week of the month, the balance, what comes in, what goes out and what's left. I start a new row of boxes each month and I usually do two of three months at a time. It's always a working spreadsheet, $200 I spend in February will show me that I am going to be short on the rent in April. The spreadsheet doesn't take in to account for food or gas, but it's always sort of on my mind. At the beginning of each month, I often leave the format and adjust the balance because there is money spent that I can't account for, didn't budget for, or simply didn't pay attention to.

So no, it's not REALLY a budget. You can't budget when you don't really HAVE it- but it's a guideline and a snapshot of what's to come. I am the only one who MAKES money, but not the only one who spends it. I admit that I keep a pretty tight grip over the account and at any given time, he has no idea what is in the account. However, it's common knowledge that while I make more than our bills, it's not MUCH more so the question of whether or not I can afford something, the answer really should ALWAYS be "No."

I do not have the mentality of "Work Hard, play harder." I am more like, "Work and maybe we'll get lucky." How does an underpaid person manage a household of 5 people? Not very well. My student loan totals are high. My credit sucks. I have about $3000 in credit card bills (three different companies) in default that I flat our ignore. I simply don't have the money to send them. Period. The bills that manage my monthly household get my attention. The rest, well they can suck a fat one. They spend all sorts of time sending me bills and threatening letters that I don't even open anymore. Every few months I get letters from different companies because the debt has been sold off. The original amounts was only about $1500 total. The original debtor charged off the debt years ago, and this new company is not trying to collect from me. When I filed for BK back in 2000 (I think), I was told that if they try to take me to court and get a judgment, showing them my income and my bills will pretty much negate them from taking 25% of my income and often these little collection firms will not go to the trouble for such small amounts. So I don't worry, and perhaps after I get my tax refund, I can pay it off for half of the balance and they will leave me alone. The offices of blah blah blah and so and so look very official, but it's not exactly a law firm. Law firms use UPS and have bigger fish to fry than me.

Those are not the bills that I worry about. I worry about the grocery bill, and the electric bill. I worry about Michael medical expenses. I worry about getting sick. I have been on a diet for a few weeks now. I think I'm losing weight but I don't know. I'm eating better. I am trying to take care of my blood pressure, because if I get sick, my family is screwed.

My father and a few others in his family died early from heart disease. Early, like before 50- early. I'm going to be 37 this year. I realize that it was a mistake getting those three credit cards, but I refuse to allow them to be the death of me. I have told them all, at least once that I am not going to send my last $50 to them this month, because as soon as I agree, they will be asking about my NEXT $50. It's just the way it is, and I know I'm not alone.

I have made some financial mistakes, but in the grand scheme, I have done the best I could. I've been the only income for four years now. I borrowed a lot, I've been given a lot, and we've been fortunate to have understand and forgiving people around us. Others are not so lucky.

My hope is that someday I will make enough so that the balance at the end of every week is positive. That I don't have to pay this months cable bill next month, pushing next months electric bill back to the NEXT month and then having to pay that months cell phone bill the FOLLOWING month, pushing back the cable bill again. That is how it happens. The bills get exponentially bigger- and then all of the bills are three months behind. (Which is what happened LAST month)

I don't need collection agencies to put me debtors prison. I've got one, thanks.

If you make it to the end of my little sob story rant, thanks. You'll be glad to know that as of right now. Everything is current. :)