beyond the body

Sometimes I absolutely abhor my body. I hate the way I have "let myself go" so to speak. It didn't happen over night- this is a body that is years in the making. I'm carrying baby weight- how old is my baby? ummmm.... 13.

The last time I was the size that I am now- I was carrying a child. And actually I'm a pound heavier. Some days I look at myself in the mirror and just think, what the hell happened to me? I used to be thin, I used to be pretty, and sexy and confident! Now- well.. I'm just fat.

But then I think, maybe I'm not the prettiest girl in every room, but I think I look ok. I am still sexy, and I am still confident. I show off my body- I talk about sex- I am not exactly a wallflower. I don't hide behind my keyboard anymore. I'm learning that not all men are interested in the shell.

I'm smart and I'm funny. I work. I support my family. I have good friends and I do my best to take care of my children and my husband.

I'm not JUST FAT.

I have a love hate relationship with my body and I admit that I'm afraid that losing weight will mean my ass and tits will lose their big and plumpness. But I'm not JUST FAT. I think for all the progress women have made, sometimes we still buy in to the idea that we have to be perfect all around- and who is perfect?

Who is this picture perfect woman who has a rockin' body, a great job with a good salary, perfect children and no emotional hang-up about her mother, can cook, clean and give blowjobs in between making finger sandwiches for her husbands poker parties and cutting out construction paper houses for her kids classroom. Who is this broad?

Cause we need to find her and kick her ass.