perspective

Mike suggested I go back to therapy. Maybe I do need to get back into therapy. I can hear my friends- and Christine from the other side saying... yes yes yes you do.

It's not that don't BELIEVE in therapy, because I do. I was in therapy for a long time after my first divorce... and when Michael and I were first married. Then there was the years in Al-Anon. I acknowledge the importance of therapy and I am not ABOVE getting professional help.

I just don't have the time or the money or the energy that it takes. When the cash flow gets low, I am the first to give up the things I "need". I quote "need" because really- what do I NEED? I had a conversation with a coworker the other day in which she said, you know- "When I came to work today- most of my 'needs' were met" and she referenced the chart below. I take a look at this today- and I think... you know, maybe it's not all so bad. Other than a general fear of death, disease and bankruptcy... I think I'm ok.

I am healthy, I have coffee and a banana for breakfast and I'm bringing lunch to work today. Rent is paid, my kids are safe. I have friends and famly- and while the sexual/intimacy thing is not PERFECT, it could sure be worse. My esteem is pretty well in check and to be honest I think I as far as self-actualization goes... well, I'm not too far from where I can possible be at this point in my life.

Maybe what I need to do is look at this list every day- and realize that it's not all so bad. Many people have less. I am not depressed. I'm just anxious. Jumpy and a bit restless. The upcoming separation weighs as heavily upon me as it is also a rock in my shoe. I worry about how it will effect the things I need. How it will effect my feelings of safety and love, how it will effect my children.

But then, it's just time passing. He and I both knew that this was bound to happen eventually and we are both in agreement that it SHOULD happen. There's sadness, but relief for both of us. I believe that.

So while maybe it would help me to talk to someone about my 'feelings' and perhaps attempt to salvage whatever heart I may have left before I walk out of this marriage more jaded that I already am.... another part of me feels that it's just not something I need right now. I'm tearing my family apart, I think maybe I can set my "wants" aside for a little while. Maybe I'm all used up on that right now.

living vicariously through someone elses travels

So ThePunkGuy went to Australia. I swear, he travels for pleasure more than anyone I know. Since he knows how greedy I am for pictures and stories of his travels, he has shared some with me since he can't seem to get them to post on his blog. If you click them, they will open up huge, but the ones at the end are really worth seeing so big!!

If you get a change, read some of his great commentary Thanks tpg.



Sydney Opera House


natalie portman as the virgin mary. (maybe)


the harbor bridge from the water (hahh bahhh bridge)


Strip club in kings cross (backroom cruise area???)


Did the locals drink him under the table??


Sugar kane on fire in Cairns


Cairns, hungover from the port at 7am


Great Barrier Reef (I don't think this is thePunkGuy because I don't think he would wear that shirt... and really, water isn't his 'thing' based on his inner tubing incident in Hawaii...)


Cairns, by god


Great Barrier Reef from the sky


Sydney from the sky


Bonde Beach



Bronte Beach

all pictures taken by Kristian Sorge

today...

I suspect that all the blogs today are talking about it. So I won't talk about it- cause we know. I'll pay my respects by letting us all acknowledge in our own ways.

The only thing I will say is that there is no place else in the world I would rather be today (or any day really) than in New York City.

oh brother...

Gabriel said to Daniel today (in the middle of singing 'Beat It')...

"Danny? Do you know what a macho man is? It's someone who is really strong and gets to hang out with all the girls."

you know, if your big brother doesn't teach you these things- who will??

1, 7, 30, 2009

Places I want to go:
Today: anywhere but here
This week: LA to see a friend
This month: Vegas to see a few friends
This year: New York to see MORE friends

Things I want to avoid:
Today: Confrontation
This Week: Bouncing the rent check
This Month: A big fight with my husband
This Year: Huge car expenses

What I WANT to do:
Today: Buy an extender for my corset
This week: Go out with friends
This month: Take a trip somewhere, alone.
This year: "File"

Things I NEED to do:
Today: Laundry
This week: Go to the gym
This month: Get new tires
This year: "File"

Things I WILL do:
Today: Go to Target
This week: Start new class

In reality: I can't see much farther than this week. I know better.

When nothing changes, nothing changes...

(just ranting)

I know this and have known it for a long time.

Earlier this year my husband and I decided to split up. I don't know why this is so complicated. We've played house, and played nice for a long time and our original plan was that he'd be moved out by September.

Well here it is- and nothing has changed. The only difference is that I've changed. I can see this relationship in it's entirety. I know it's over. I really think that he knows it's over. We are just biding time. Tying up loose ends. Making things works. Playing nice. Looking back on 10 years, I know I did my best- but somethings just need to end. This marriage was bound to fail and I know why. He wasn't strong enough, I tried to be strong for the both of us. I still try- and I'm still not.

Now it's over. I want to get on with my life. I need to stop the enabling, I need to end this facade because I'm not even trying anymore. We are as nice to each other as strangers or roomates. Maybe a little nicer- but in general, it's over. So over. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know this. You know what's happened, and this is nothing new.

It's not just me. He knows its over. He doesn't want to be with me either. Sometimes though, the past comes back to haunt you. Mistakes you make in the past keep you from having a future. I see this now. Nothing comes without a cost. I know that I haven't always made the right choices, but I'm trying. I'm trying to move on, have a life and just get on with it. I want to do what's best for all of us. I used to think that splitting up was ONLY good for me- but I realize that it's what's best for everyone. For me, the boys and especially Mike. It's hard though. It's uncomfortable.

It's expensive.

The next phase will come at a high cost to everyone. I know this- but I have to trust that it will be better for everyone in the end. There's no reward without sacrifice. Who said that?

(end rant)

HNT- it's funny AND sexy

I have a love/hate relationship with lingerie. HNT is more fun now that I get all sorts of free sexy things to show off. It's kinda cool to know that the fat girls can be hot too.

So Mike helps me most every week, taking pictures and getting me in and out of these "contraptions." Sometimes it's really easy and sometimes it's a complete clusterfuck. Tonight was somewhere in between.

It's a bustier, not a corset. We fiddled with the laces to get it to fit (almost) right and tie right- then we realized there is a fucking zipper!! Of course, with the lace set right, we couldn't get it zipped up. So it went over my head, we shimmied it over my boobs and into place, then we retightened the laces. Sounds easy, but you know, I'm a big girl. It was like, well... getting a big girl into a bustier!! We were hilarious laughing about getting it on me. It just wasn't the sexiest moment in the world, but he and I have so few laughs... it was nice to have this one.

Oh yeah- and once I got it on... well, damn.

Thanks Mike for your help!!

Happy HNT everyone!! Go ahead, get Half Nekkid- you know you want to!!