Letter to my parents

Dear Mom,

This isn't an easy letter to write and I'm really not in any place to handle all the major things I need to talk about. I wish you knew me better. I wish I understood what you expected of me. I wish that I ever felt like I was a decent enough daughter for you to actually say outloud that I was good enough. That you were proud of me. You have no idea what that would mean if you actually said it to me and not people around me but never to me.

I applaud you for making motherhood look easy, but I don't think that it's necessary to make me feel like I've failed at it. Nobody is perfect. I'm certainly sure of that. I've learned a lot about raising my kids from you. Not by the way you raised me, but by the way you care for my kids.

There's so much that I haven't told you about me. So much that you wouldn't want to know. So much that you would deny, not understand or flat out deny. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish that we had some understanding that our feelings were valid even if they didn't make sense to each other.

While I may never be as level headed, brave or stable as the other sibs- I am certain that I am of value in this family, even if only for comic relief. It's not easy being the 'helpless' one- or the one who is always getting into trouble or the one who is always making mistakes or the one who married the drug addict. Nobody ever lets me forget it, ever.

While maybe this letter seems a bit aggressive, if you knew anything about me- maybe you'd know why. Maybe you'd understand that living the life I'm living is exhausting. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm very very scared. I don't blame you or dad, or Bill or even your husband now for anything that is wrong with me. Well, maybe Bill some... but that's something else you'll never know about because I won't ever tell you what happened there. Ever.

You know, like so many other conversations I've started with you- I can't finish this one either. You don't thnk know me. You don't think you want to. That's probably for the best.

I love you. I wish I could be more like you. Or maybe I just wish that I felt you liked me more.

Maybe both.

love,
julie