Step One....

It went to a meeting yesterday- the first in a long time. I said that I would, as soon as Michael moved out. I really needed it. The comfort I received walking in the room. The understanding and love in my Saturday group is better than any other meeting I've ever been to. I closed my eyes and listened to the opening readings- letting the words stick to my heart and willing them to perfuse into my blood stream.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have admitted my powerlessness over alcohol. And over most things. I have control issues, of course, but I realize that I cannot control other people. I cannot fight someone elses demons and I cannot force anyone to think, act or feel a certain way.

Is my life unmanageable? In some ways, not so much. What other people have seen as crazy and unheard of in my life- was simply my way of coping. I am sure that I could have thrown my husband out long ago- not given him time and not allowed him to take advantage of me for a few more months. But I didn't do it for him as much as I did it for me. Today, I can live with my decision. A few months ago, I don't think I could have. Oddly, there IS a method to my madness- and I think for me, it's all about the BIG PICTURE. Making myself happy right now sounds great, and usually feels great- but I think it takes greater sacrifice to be happy in the long run. So I can suffer a little in the short term, if I truly believe there will be less emotional consequences in the long term.

But back to my original question. Is my life unmanageable? It must be, because now that I have got what I wanted, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of me. Nothing FEELS important to me right now. I seem to care less and less about the goals that I had. Going to school has lost it's charm. For all I try to do to kick start my motivation, it's just not there. I don't care. Some days I just want to quit- and why? So I can get more sleep. So I have LESS to do. Because I just don't care right now.

Of course, I won't quit. Of course I will keep moving forward and just finish what I started. I'm so close. Next semester I will be a senior in college. I will be applying for graduate school. I will have my masters degree before my 40th birthday. 6 months ago that was the biggest thing I could imagine for myself. Today I am just wondering if it will be worth the extra $20K it is going to cost me.

I have an overwhelming urge to bail. To get in my car and drive and drive until I end up in a new life. I'm restless and I'm exhausted. I know that I am not pleasant to be around. Is this depression? Anxiety? A mid life crisis? I don't know. I feel that I am in a constant state of PMS and even if people want to be around me, I am convinced that they don't.

Going back and forth with what I think I'm feeling- I can't pinpoint exactly what. It's like dropping a bag of marbles on the floor- they scatter and roll in every direction. My life has a lot of promise right now. And yet, it is still unmanageable because I have no appreciation for it.

I am on the verge of everything good.

Why am I so unhappy?