Hands off.

This morning I was listening to Marianne Williamson on Oprah and Friends. I have read some of her books. She is very inspiring. And she was talking to Wayne Dyer , who I am not familiar with, but he is another spiritual guru of sorts. They talked about forgiveness and the situation with the school shooting in that Amish community. How the families of the victims embraced that family of the gunman and how that truly is a sense of wholeness when you can forgive such things. He spoke as a recovered addict, and having had worked with addicts as well. That always catches my attention because I have a lot of respect for those who can survive the ultimate hell that is addiction. To me, these people are fighters and have just as much strength and courage to fight as those who battle other diseases.

They spoke about being in dark places, and simply feeling that. Being IN that dark place and not grasping. Not fighting the situation, and just accepting it. Being there and not struggling to escape it. He spoke of one the core concepts in AA- which is Let Go and Let God. Before I had a higher power, I struggled with this- because my questions was "Let God do WHAT?"

He also said something that seems so simplistic, but I'm sure very true for those that live it. That the only problem we truly have is being disconnected from our higher power. (He said God) I thought about that on my drive to work- and asked myself the question I have asked time and time again.

Who is your higher power today, Julie?

Pastor Ed told me that your higher power is whatever you spend the most time thinking about. Which is a pretty scary thought, but really, whatever that is, is what drives you. What motivates you and what dictates a lot of what you do. Regardless how good or bad it is, it is what it is. And I have learned that to Let Go and Let God means, let go of whatever it is that I can't handle, and let my higher power do it for me. Now if I am going to do that- I better have a higher power that is not self destructive. I better not put all my eggs into a basket with a hole in the bottom.

On to my point....
This evening I found myself wrapped up and feeling like I was trapped. I had information, and with this information I created fear that I was going to be faced with a situation that I would not handle the way I should handle it, assuming that I was called to handle it.

So stressed out and panicked, I made a phone call to a trusted friend... who listened and then said, "I am trying to figure out exactly HOW this is your problem?" Laugh laugh laugh... but she was right.

I later called my Al-Anon friend- and as I was telling her the story, in a little more detail cause that's what we girls d0- it came clear to me that I had information that I LOOKED FOR. Nobody offered it to me. I was afraid of receiving a phone call to deal with a situation that I was not even included in- and worrying about poorly handling a decision I was not even being called on to make.

Christine calls this borrowing trouble. I think mine is on lease with an option to buy. Either that or it's purchased with a no return policy. Either way. I realize that this situation is not my problem. The information I have, does nothing. It does not change anything for me. If I had it or not, the way I should behave does not change. And really- nobody has asked me to do anything. What the hell am I getting so worked up about???

So I have to let it go. The information, the problem, the phone call, the dilemma. Let it go. It's not on my plate. It's not my problem, and if it becomes my problem it's because I accept it to take on. I have choices today and after much fret and debate I am choosing to let it go. I will deal with a decision when one is needed from me, until then. Hands off.

That's the beauty of detachment. It allows me to do nothing, if I am not required to do anything. It gives me the permission to keep my head where my feet are and not worry about what is going on over there. It tells me that I SHOULD mind my own business and let other people deal with thier own lives and thier own consequences. I know that I am very grateful when people give me the dignity to live my own life, not matter how much they think I am screwing things up. I am not abandoning anyone, I am allowing someone else the freedom to make mistakes.... wow- I could talk this out until I break out in fucking song.....

But you know what I mean....

This is the freedom from the bondage of self.

Man, I love this Program.