Comfort in chaos...

Yesterday I asked why I was so unhappy, and not too long after, I figured it out.

My husband came over last night to spend some time with the boys. He had been at his sisters over the weekend and came by last night so I could study and he was going to give the boys dinner, a bath and get them in bed. It was unclear if he was going to sleep in thier room or if he was going to go back to his sisters but it made no difference to me.

The boys however, decided to morph into demon spawns and were just impossible all day. In retrospect I should have taken a break from studying mid day and taken them to the park or something to blow off steam- but you know, mom's got a midterm this week... Anyway, by the time husband showed up- I was on my last nerve and the boys were also frustrated and hard to deal with. In the end, he was frustrated with them as well. He and I were yelling at each other. The kids were angry about being put to bed.

And I felt...

strangely...

settled.

I went to bed before I even asked if he was staying overnight with the boys- and I slept, SOUNDLY, for the first time since he left. And I didn't wake up once until the alarm went off this morning.

For so many years I have been living with so much chaos and hostility that I am used to it. I know how to live in this battle zone. I can hear the voices of my friends telling me what I already know.... unhealthy. destructive. codependent. sick sick sick.

I know.

But this is why I am unhappy, because I am out of my comfort zone. It's not up to anyone to define my comfort zone. This is what I know. Disappointment, turmoil, hostility and anger is what I am used to. Eventually I will find comfort in the things that are supposed to comfort me, but until then- I have no choice but to keep following the idea that things will get better in time. Because I can't slip backwards to that life of chaos- because it's the life I am trying to escape and I can't forget that.

Again, doing the right thing, rarely feels as good as it should.