Sometime I just can't help how I feel. No matter how much logic I apply to the situation, I can't help but just feel my feelings. Today is kind of like a wave and I can't seem to swim, or walk towards shore.
My husband, having been in the hopspital all last week and not packed, ready to move out, as discussed, agreed and promised- came home from on Saturday, went straight to bed and didn't get up again until this morning. His parents showed up to pick him up and he threw a few boxes of clothes together and grabbed his medications. Leaving everything else. He said good bye to the boys and to me he said, "See ya"- without even looking at me. I know I can't exactly be his best friend or anything- I mean, when I was bringing him clothes to the hospital, buying his cigarettes, and giving him money- well aint she sweet... but now, I guess that's over and I should not expect any niceties.
His mother barely spoke to me and his father did not even say hello. I don't know if they are angry at me, or just at the situation. I gues they have to take sides. Either way- it's always great to feel like a wretched bitch- and he played his card perfectly by sinking into his depression just in time. I can set my watch by it. So now he looks like the sick victim, and I look like a bitch. It was hard to see him say good bye to the boys- Gabe seemed to know that something was happening. He cried as soon as he left. I've been crying all day. I'm not even sure why.
I think I will feel a little better tomorrow, or maybe the day after that....
Today I feel kind of lousy. Guilty-lousy. Angry-lousy. I think after all the time we've spent together. All the chances I gave him, all the leeway, after everything that son of a bitch put me through- I think he should have had the decency to leave with some dignity. He has no right to carry on that way, like he is being thrown out onto the streets. Don't limp away, groaning with every step (apparently he was in some sort of pain) as if I had just finished beating him with a shovel. Don't be such a goddamn pussy about it. You screwed this up. You destroyed this family, this marriage and this woman so don't walk outa here like you were the victim, cause I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!!!! Now take off your dress, strap on a pair and BE A FUCKING MAN FOR A CHANGE!!!
Hm, I feel a little better already.....
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
2 comments:
Dear Jules...I don't get the opportunity to blog around much anymore, but I stopped in to see how you are, and I'm glad I did.
The trash man cometh chica...and the tears are necessary.
Hugs chica...I send you lots of hugs!
Ciao for now...
tell me how you really feel. Ya know babe, as a very smart man once told me - embrace the tears and the happiness that follows.
You are going to get through this - and you are already taking one giant step in that direction. yes, he should have been better about leaving - but we can't spend out days on woulda shouldas cuz they just piss us off. The end result is that he is gone.
And yes, his parents are probably bugged by the fact that now he is once again their problem. Can you just imagine.
Hang in there babe
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