Weight Watchers, Take 3

I've been on WW before, and I the first time I did well. The second time, not so well.

So a few weeks ago when I got the email that Weight Watchers at work was coming back, I decided to give it another try.

Here's a few things about me and weight loss. I HATE to Exercise. I also LOVE to eat. Neither of these things are conducive with NOT having a big ass. However, I also don't like that I have to take blood pressure medications and my cholesterol is a tad high. Also, well, I'm getting tired of being fat. It's not ok. It's not cute. It's not fashionable. No, it's not BAD- it's not SHAMEFUL and it doesn't mean that I don't care about myself. I admit that I'm lazy and that's the only reason I don't do it.

I don't have the time to focus on healthy cooking. I don't cook. I tend to grab whats 'grab-able' and eat that. Often times, it's almost 10PM and what's close is a bowl of cereal. Many nights a week, my dinner consists of Reese's Puffs Cereal or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Chances are I'm not eating enough, and I'm eating junk.

I chose Weight Watchers because it's pretty easy. Also, I can still eat frozen dinners, either the Weird Watchers or the Lean Cuisine meal. This is what works for me. Grabbing something portion and calorie controlled and throwing it in the microwave. Twice a day? Sure! It's easy and takes very little thought. Remember, I don't have time to cook. So this is easy for me. I HAVE to go with what works- and what is logical for my life.

So here it is, day 6 and I haven't a clue if the scale will show anything next week. I have seen my eating habits, I don't eat enough during the day and I my food choices at night are not great. Also, I need to drink water, More More MORE water.

Weigh in is Tuesday. I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed not pregnant. And I'm just about 6 pounds shy of what I weighted when I WAS. That is frightening.

So wish me luck and hey, I have something to blog about. My big fat butt!

I'm going to make a short story long...

I'm home now... eating the Indonesian fried rice that my mother made for me.

We had a catered lunch yesterday for our Monthly Departmental meeting. I mention this for two reasons. One is that they was a LOT of food left over that was going to go to waste. One was a big pan of white rice. One of the ladies was saying that I should take it home and make some fried rice with it. You know us Asians types- we love our rice, and even more when it's fried with onions and garlic and egg and meat. Well I don't know how to make fried rice.
But my mom does.....

So I brought the tray home to mom and asked her to make it into fried rice for me.

The other reason I mention the lunch is that with the lunch was a container of Sweet Chili Sauce. I have seen this in my moms fridge for years but I've never eaten it. Growing up there was this hot sauce (sambal) that was so hot it was used as a punishment, and while I'm sure it not even THAT hot to an adult, just the smell of it gives a negative connotation so any red chili sauce I just steer clear of. Anyway I tried some yesterday at lunch. Oh my god, it was so good. I could eat it on everything. Or at least anything asian-ish. Or eggs.

So tonight after picking up my huge tray of now FRIED rice, I ventured to the store to pick up some of this Sweet Chili Sauce. I went to the Asian Market cause I knew they would have it there. The new Zion Market close to my house that smells of fish before you even get in the door. So I went and was accosted by too loud Asian music. And the overwhelming smell of fish.

It didn't take long to find the sauce and I made my way to the counter to purchase it. It was a big bottle for $2.99.

Let me preface this part to say that I am generally not argumentative with the general public. I am not one of those who thinks that I am getting fucked over by corporate America (which I very well may be). I don't believe in conspiracy theories (which MAY be true). I d not have a general dislike for policeman, doctors or lawyers. So it's not as if I cry 'social injustice'... you know, ever.

back to my story...

I get to the counter and they will not let me purchase my sweet chili sauce because it's ONLY $2.99 and they don't accept ATM or Credit card under $5.

ok- what???

What in the holy hell is that shit all about?? I don't carry cash anymore- who the hell does?? You HAVE an ATM machine. I understand that there may be a charge for you for me to use my card. I pay that fee at the gas station, at the cafeteria at work and many other places. But no... fucking Zion market- you won't charge me the convenience fee. You just won't allow it. So I say that I will be right back and I exit the store.
I'm not coming back.

If you MAKE ME go to my car, you are crazy if you think I am returning.

So I go to the local Food 4 Less instead in the hopes that maybe they will have the chili sauce. I usually don't shop at Food 4 Less because I don't like bagging my own groceries. The prices are not SO much lower that it's worth it. It's not that I'm too good to bag my groceries, I just don't WANT to. The Food 4 less is right across the street from a strip mall where the signs are in an Asian writing. I don't know which. But I thought my chances were good that I would find the chili sauce. Which I did.

A smaller bottle, for only $1.99. And I also picked up some paper plates. No too loud music, and no fishy smell.

Total sale $6.29.

Yeah, fuck you Zion Market, you can't MAKE me spend $5.

beyond the body

Sometimes I absolutely abhor my body. I hate the way I have "let myself go" so to speak. It didn't happen over night- this is a body that is years in the making. I'm carrying baby weight- how old is my baby? ummmm.... 13.

The last time I was the size that I am now- I was carrying a child. And actually I'm a pound heavier. Some days I look at myself in the mirror and just think, what the hell happened to me? I used to be thin, I used to be pretty, and sexy and confident! Now- well.. I'm just fat.

But then I think, maybe I'm not the prettiest girl in every room, but I think I look ok. I am still sexy, and I am still confident. I show off my body- I talk about sex- I am not exactly a wallflower. I don't hide behind my keyboard anymore. I'm learning that not all men are interested in the shell.

I'm smart and I'm funny. I work. I support my family. I have good friends and I do my best to take care of my children and my husband.

I'm not JUST FAT.

I have a love hate relationship with my body and I admit that I'm afraid that losing weight will mean my ass and tits will lose their big and plumpness. But I'm not JUST FAT. I think for all the progress women have made, sometimes we still buy in to the idea that we have to be perfect all around- and who is perfect?

Who is this picture perfect woman who has a rockin' body, a great job with a good salary, perfect children and no emotional hang-up about her mother, can cook, clean and give blowjobs in between making finger sandwiches for her husbands poker parties and cutting out construction paper houses for her kids classroom. Who is this broad?

Cause we need to find her and kick her ass.

Good morning, yesterday

I am working on a slideshow for my brothers upcoming wedding so I got a ton of pictures from my mom. I found some of these and I think they are pretty cool so I thought I'd share them.


My dad. I guess he was somewhere in his 20's here. He died when I was 9. He was 48. What a pimp huh??

My mom. Age 19. On top of a Ford Fairlane. She was still new to America. She hated it when she first got here. She left a whole life behind her in Holland. Sometimes I wonder if she is still bitter for having to leave.

My mom again. Age 27. I think this may have been the year before I was born.

My dad. One of the family vacations. Daddy was short, bald. Yeah- I got issues.

This is the only family photo like this that we ever took. I always loved it. Look how cute I am.



That dress was my favorite. I only got to wear it for special occasions, and there were never enough occasions to wear it. The white trim had read hearts, and the red had white hearts. I can still see it in my mind.



This was after my step dads funeral in January 1993. Man, I was thin- my mouth looks HUGE!!! And yes, the same fucking hair.


My grandparents 50's wedding anniversary in December of 1995. Is Rick wearing a sparkly suit?? The next pimp of the family. My Opa looks so handsome.


One of my all time favorite pictures. Me, Lori and Ris. We think this was 1977.


This is my favorite. Me and Pam. 1974.



Yes, our house was dark green with a gravel driveway until somewhere in the 80's I guess. It was later, and is now- tan with some decent landscaping and a new family in it- but our names and handprints are still engraved in the driveway.

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

The Joy of WHAT??

This is what I cooked tonight? Yes, I cooked that.


Baked Halibut on a bed of vegetables.

Yes, really I did it on my own. Me, the "microwave queen" whose best recipes are still things I have to lie and tell my kids that my mom cooked just to get them to eat them. I got the recipe on-line and I improvised a little on the veggies and spices but it smells so good in the house right now.

Did I mention that it is midnight in my house and this meal is for lunch and dinner tomorrow? I just remembered that we have a meeting tomorrow in which lunch is being catered, probably with good food that I fucken LOVE, but I'm trying to eat better and lose weight so perhaps this is a nice substitution for California Pizza Kitchen or something else fabulous that I think will make me throw up if I eat it.

I just finished the induction phase of an "atkins-like" diet that dropped 8 pounds off of me in two weeks. I was pretty shocked, and felt pretty decent until the ketosis kicked in hardcore and I had an episode every day for the last three days where I felt dizzy, and faint and depleted. The first night this happened it scared the ever-livin out of me and I was going to call 911.

Maybe it was low blood sugar, or too many ketones cause I clearly have a lot of fat to burn off. All the protein and no carbs to burn it off. Either way- I have reincorporated some natural carbs to the diet and I'm fine with having a slower weightloss that I might be able to sustain. The main reason I did this induction phase is two fold, and it's the main reason BEHIND an induction phase. It broke my craving for carbs and sugar. Which is insane, but it actually worked. It also has given me time to feel what it's like when I stop eating processed foods. Besides the weird almost passing out-thing, I have felt really good. Not as tired, not as run down.

I told very few people that I was doing this because I didn't really want to talk about it. People did notice that there was a change to what I was eating, and they would ask if I was on a diet or trying to lose weight and I would simply deny. Even though people towards the end of this week have commented on it. I just said, "yeah I think so..." and not get into it too much. Just not worth the conversation, and who knows if it will all be back in two weeks.

So am I on a diet? No. I "inducted" for two weeks, and that is all my body can take of that crap. I'm sticking to the plan I was on, and adding some natural carbs with fruit. Increasing the carb intake from <20 to < 30g per day- all from natural carbs. Vegetables, fruit etc. Nothing processed. I think I will naturally lose weight that way. Add some exercise eventually-bleh.

Paul told me that when it becomes important for me to lose weight, I will do it. Well I had somethings happen in my personal life (eek- are there things I don't share with you??) that this whole thing has been pretty decent distraction for. The only thing (for me) worse that addiction to food, is addiction to a person. (Not saying that there are not worse addictions, but these are the ones that I struggle with.

So I'm going to just start eating better. Less crap, more non-crap. See how that goes. If I gain back the 8, and don't lose anything this way- plus exercise, then fuck it, I'm going gastric bypass.

(oh shut up, I'm just kidding.)

Eat until the hurtin stops!!

I was listening to Andy and Golfwidow this morning, like I do each weekend and they were talking about comfort foods and just food in general. I have struggled with my food"addiction" for many years and therefore struggled with being overweight. Struggle is a loose term. I don't struggle, if it's a fight, I'm losing- but I think with a motto like "Eat until the hurtin stops" - it's obvious that while I would love to be thinner, I hate to exercise MORE.

I recall one of the times that I was dieting, and I stood at the grocery store, crying- because I couldn't buy any of my favorite cereal that was on sale. Food is my friend, a good friend. Some days, my only friend. I wish that a treadmill were my friend, but you know- it's not. You can't choose who you love, sometimes it chooses you.

My favorite foods are fast. Taco Bell tops the list. and pizza. I eat my pizza with jalapenos and ranch dressing. Yes, no matter what is on it- when I get take out pizza, I always get ranch dressing and jalapenos. It's something I started when I was 16 and working at Pizzamania in LaPalma. It's shut down now, but I worked there for a year or two, and was having sex with the manger. He is was the first of a few managerial types I ended up under. It's no wonder I have issues with authority figures. Anyway. If you go to Pizzamania in Whittier, say hello to Bill. Cause he still runs the place over there and makes some good pizza. The last time I was there was about a year ago. And he still serves it to me with ranch dressing and jalapenos. Hmm, maybe that's what I'll do today for lunch. There is also one in Long Beach- but for some reason I just never go to that one. It's right next door to the college, I pass it 6 times a week. Perhaps it's not at all about the Pizza, but about the guy. ugh- the therapy I need to get past my daddy issues.....

When I am really needing comfort food though... When the world is crashing at my feet I reach for the Doritos. Nacho Cheese doritos and cheese sauce. Frito Lay Jalapeno Cheese dip. I love processed cheese food. I like the spreadable kind that you buy in a plastic tub for fund raisers, or even the spray can cheese. yummmmy. But I love the Doritos and Cheese sauce. When ehusband would come home and see me with the bag of chips and the can of cheese, he would just know that something was horribly wrong. This is really for emergencies only. When life if good- I can't eat it. I relate it to tragedy and sadness. If I am feeling happy, I go for chips and salsa.


I made fresh salsa on Friday. 6 tomatoes, half a red onion, three jalapenos, less than half of a bunch of cilantro, lime and salt. Slice dice and mix. Viola!! It's so good. I have been eating it with chips since Friday night. I was going to bring some to work- but I ate it all. At least mass quantities of salsa is better than a can of cheese.