Daddy issues

and no this is not a post about spanking...

I think, growing up my parents were particularly strict. Maybe my mother was paranoid, and in ways, she was right to be. I wonder how much MORE trouble I would have been in had I had extra lee way as a teenager.

My mom's punishment I feel was disproportionate to the crimes. I missed 6th Grade Camp because I was caught passing notes in class. I stole 5 dollars and went to a boys house, and she put me in a different school. I got a job when I was a junior in high school because it was the only way I could get out of the house because I was just "globally" grounded.

My step dad was different though. My dad since I was about eight, I think. While as an adult, our relationship got much better before he died, he was really an asshole. He was just kind of a mean and nasty guy- and a pervert, which now I'm sure I could either blame or thank him for- depends on the day. I also have a few memories in which I'm certain he was incestuously inappropriate, but 20 years later- I'm hardly scathed by it.

What I remember most about my step dad was that I was short and small and he- in my memories- was about 400 pounds and 8 feet tall with this loud booming voice of disgust, disappointment, and disapproval. When he was angry, every other word was "fuck" and he used it with no regard to my age, or whoever was standing around. He called me names and told me I was stupid and all the other things that you don't say to a young girl or to a teenage girl or a grown woman- or really to anyone. I think because I was the youngest and the squeekiest wheel, I got it the worst- but maybe my siblings would disagree, I don't know.

I was no angel- I'm not claiming that, but again- there's a way to discipline and not leave the child feeling demoralized. That is what happened a lot to me.

So when my husband gets angry at the kids and yells at them, I am almost always tempted to step in. It's not that I don't raise my voice at the kids, I do. I hate being that shrill mom who is always yelling to "knock it off!" However, I try very hard not to be that mom who is yelling, "What the hell is the matter with you?!?!?" while up in the face of my small children. When I feel that my husband is doing that, or that he's just being too loud or too intimidating, I always want to go in and diffuse the situation. I want to protect them from what MIGHT be going on in their young impressionable minds- even though I don't think he's as bad as my dad was. But just in case. My husband has that big booming voice, and back in the day when we used to fight and he used to yell at me, I would go right back to that place where I felt small and intimidated and demoralized.

While he doesn't do that to me anymore, sometimes I still get weird when I hear him yelling at the kids. It bothers me, and I have to be reminded, often, to NOT undermine his efforts with the kids. I have to remember also that my step dad was NOT 400 pounds, nor was he 8 feet tall.

And I'm not a little girl anymore.