IDK, IDC and IDTS!!!!

I had an argument with my husband today. Why?

He keeps calling me.

*in my best Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman voice*...Stop callin me!!!

If he's got something to say, like if something is really wrong. Did he fall? Is he bleeding? Do the kids need a cast??

No...

We need bread.

Really? For bread, you make a phone call??

Seriously dude. Text me.

I got him a Blackberry for FatherDay. I am paying an extra $30 a month for him to be able to reach my via text, Blackberry Messenger, and Yahoo Messenger. He can even email me.

Instead. He calls.

sigh....

Later I was at the store. Talking to my BFF on the phone. She is the only person I know who doesn't have a cell phone. Her daughters have cell phones, I have sent texts to her daughters to get fast messages to her. Messages that don't require a phone call. So he called again but I didn't pick up. I sent him a Blackberry Message asking him if we needed anything else at the store. (I can do that WHILE I talk on the phone) He never answered so I figured it was fine, I shopped and left.

When I left the store, I wrapped up my phone call and listened to his voice mail. "Hey we need milk."

WHAT????

So I loaded the groceries in my car, and I went BACK in. Not before I called him. "Why didn't you message me back?"

"What?? I didn't get your text."

"Ok, I didn't buy you this phone and pay for the service for you NOT to check your damn messages!!!"

He told me I was wiggin. I DO NOT WIG.

I was irritated and you know, we don't need to have a phone call for EVERYTHING. You can text me- I'd prefer that you text me.

"Are you kidding me? You're rather that I TEXT you?"

And while maybe my answer was ridiculous, I answered truthfully. "Yes."

I could hear him shaking his head.

whatever....

just. text. me.

Look, I'm not saying that I never want to talk on the phone. I mean, I LOVE to talk on the phone. However, if you CAN say it in 160 characters or less... why not do just that?

srsly. kthnksbi.

not soon enough

You know how people get pregnant, get engaged, get married, and die... in threes? I think the same happens with divorces.

Yet another friend of mine is getting divorced. sigh... all the good stuff happens to everyone else.

I know, I'm such a insufferable cunt. Can you blame me? Have you met me??

We've (read: I) decided that he's going to move out after the summer. August. Yes, I'm ready for this. So ready. We (read: I) decided this in March- before the break. I thought the break would help, but it didn't. It just made me want to make the break longer- or permanent. Yes, permanent sounds good.

I'm not sure why I am so damn stubborn. Why, for so long I was so insistent that we could make this pig fly. However, we've decided and discussed that we really took whatever semblance of a marriage and beat it to death. It's not just a dead horse, it's buried and the grass has grown over. It's time to move on.

SO TIME.

We get along, because that's what I do. I get along. I play nice. I've got it down to an art form. I have perfected 'playing nice' to an art form.

Tell me that you love me?
oh? Cool.
Tell me that you hate me?
oh? Cool.

Its hard going through life knowing that I failed at this. I know, I know... I didn't FAIL. But it feels like Fail. Major League Fail. Maybe the FAIL was staying so long. I'll never get these 10 years back. I don't know, maybe I don't want them. Perhaps in the fall I'll be a whole new Julie.

New and Improved.

Or not.

Hows this?

Thinner, Cynical and Jaded.

That sounds about right.

"It's Complicated"

I received notification on my Facebook page last night. I had to confirm my relationship with my husband.  He changed his relationship status and I was being asked to "confirm it.".

I am now, officially in a "complicated" relationship with my husband.  Complicated?  That's a fucking understatement.  

It found it quite funny really.  After all this time, all these years- Facebook thinks it can tell ME that my relationship is complicated.  Hey Facebook, I propose the following relationship statuses  (statusi?):

• playing nice
  
• doing it for the kids
• convenient
• self distructive
• waiting patiently
• co-dependent
• gone on too long

Sometimes "complicated" is not enough. 

Mean Girls

"I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch. " ~Cady (Mean Girls, 2004)

I am not a mean girl.

Am I a bitch? Kind of. I'm high maintenance and yes, if you forget the hot sauce to go with my taco's, I will think that it's because you don't love me. I admit that.

However, I'm not a mean girl.

I have male friends, who's girlfriends and wives (and exes of both) who just say really horrible mean things. Who have no regard for the feelings of the person who is recieving the information. I am not going to confront you if you hurt my feelings. It will not make me feel better, nor will it make me a better person, or more right (or wrong) if I lash out and tell you that you are a rude egotistical bitch, or that you are a self-indulgent dilusional asshole. Even if it's true, it still hurts to be told it.

I have done enough damage, I think, to enough people to know that no good will come of me saying things that I KNOW are intentionally hurtful. Does this mean I'm a liar??
If you ask me, do these jeans make my ass look big? I may laugh, and say, "Honey it aint the jeans!" I mean, if you have a big ass- then you have a big ass.

I have a big ass.
I've been told it's quite awesome, so you know- I'm ok with your big ass. Then again, if you are stupid enough to ask ME about fashion advice, then you deserve what you get.

Anyway... yesterday in a temper tantrum- my less than beloved husband told me that he was 'sick of my shit' and that he was leaving. It really bothers me when he says things like that. I hate when he threatens to leave me.

He's lying. He's not going to. He tells me every few months that he's leaving me. He never does it. He says he's 'outta here'- and then every morning I wake up, and there he is!

Now maybe it's mean that I just said that... but I didn't say it to HIM! See how nice I am??

Daddy issues

and no this is not a post about spanking...

I think, growing up my parents were particularly strict. Maybe my mother was paranoid, and in ways, she was right to be. I wonder how much MORE trouble I would have been in had I had extra lee way as a teenager.

My mom's punishment I feel was disproportionate to the crimes. I missed 6th Grade Camp because I was caught passing notes in class. I stole 5 dollars and went to a boys house, and she put me in a different school. I got a job when I was a junior in high school because it was the only way I could get out of the house because I was just "globally" grounded.

My step dad was different though. My dad since I was about eight, I think. While as an adult, our relationship got much better before he died, he was really an asshole. He was just kind of a mean and nasty guy- and a pervert, which now I'm sure I could either blame or thank him for- depends on the day. I also have a few memories in which I'm certain he was incestuously inappropriate, but 20 years later- I'm hardly scathed by it.

What I remember most about my step dad was that I was short and small and he- in my memories- was about 400 pounds and 8 feet tall with this loud booming voice of disgust, disappointment, and disapproval. When he was angry, every other word was "fuck" and he used it with no regard to my age, or whoever was standing around. He called me names and told me I was stupid and all the other things that you don't say to a young girl or to a teenage girl or a grown woman- or really to anyone. I think because I was the youngest and the squeekiest wheel, I got it the worst- but maybe my siblings would disagree, I don't know.

I was no angel- I'm not claiming that, but again- there's a way to discipline and not leave the child feeling demoralized. That is what happened a lot to me.

So when my husband gets angry at the kids and yells at them, I am almost always tempted to step in. It's not that I don't raise my voice at the kids, I do. I hate being that shrill mom who is always yelling to "knock it off!" However, I try very hard not to be that mom who is yelling, "What the hell is the matter with you?!?!?" while up in the face of my small children. When I feel that my husband is doing that, or that he's just being too loud or too intimidating, I always want to go in and diffuse the situation. I want to protect them from what MIGHT be going on in their young impressionable minds- even though I don't think he's as bad as my dad was. But just in case. My husband has that big booming voice, and back in the day when we used to fight and he used to yell at me, I would go right back to that place where I felt small and intimidated and demoralized.

While he doesn't do that to me anymore, sometimes I still get weird when I hear him yelling at the kids. It bothers me, and I have to be reminded, often, to NOT undermine his efforts with the kids. I have to remember also that my step dad was NOT 400 pounds, nor was he 8 feet tall.

And I'm not a little girl anymore.

Living with fear

A long time a go I wrote post about having a conversation with fear. You can find it here. This was 2 and a half years ago. Seems so long, but then not very long at all.

I wonder what my conversation with fear would look like today?


--
Hello Fear. I see you're back.

I never left. I just kept quiet.

Why?

Because you buried me with other things.

I did not. Look at all I've accomplished.

Yes you did. You got distracted and ignored me. But I was here. Me and Anger have been hanging out.

I thought Anger kicked your ass.

No, we're old friends. You COULD have just gotten rid of me. You could have talked to me. You could have faced me.

You don't listen to Reason.

That's the beauty of it. I don't HAVE to listen to Reason. Reason is a wimp.

Fuck you, I don't have to take your crap.

No, Julie. No you don't. You can move past me. You can face me, deal with me, and get rid of me.

I guess I just don't know how.

Well, then I guess I'll just hang around for a while. I seem to have rented a nice space up here in your mind. Thanks for the futon sofa and the big screen- it's comfy.

---

I sent an email to my former Al-Anon sponsor today. I'm not sure why... but just the act of reaching out seems like a step in the right direction.

since you been gone...

In the movie When a Man Loves a Woman there's a scene when Alice comes home and she snidely comments about all the frozen waffles, if you can get past all the frozen orange juice.

He said, "The kids like it now."

"Now?" she responds, "You mean- post shameful incarceration period."

"That's what we like to call it."


--
it's kind of like that around here.

Hows it gonna be??

I think that the back and forth of my husbands issues can only be compared to the way my feelings about this marriage go equally back and forth. One minute I am ready to kill him and the next minute I am thinking... well maybe. Sometimes it's just hard to visualize what life is going to look like on the other side.

There's going to be some things going on within the next month that I won't really go in to- but he and I will be taking kind of a break. We both need it. What happens after the break? I don't know. Will he come back home, probably, will he STAY home? I'm just not sure. It could go either way- I guess what happens on the break will decide.

A month ago I said it was over. I have my reasons, but the biggest reason is this:

My husband and I are friends. Sometimes very good friends, sometimes not so good. But no less, we are friends. We are two people that share an apartment and children. There's love, but not that kind of love. These are my feelings. If his feelings are different, well then I think he's fooling himself.

Either way, we are taking a much needed break from each other.

I have no idea what that's going to be like. When you live in chaos for so long, the silence sometimes becomes deafening.

fuck you, Karma. We're thru.

"I'll never find my heart

Behind someone else

I'll never see the light of day

Living in this cell

It's time to make my way

Into the world I knew

Take back all of these times

That I gave in to you"

-Three Doors Down "Let me be myself"

Dear Karma:

I get it. I made some mistakes. I made bad choices. I have taken many cookies from the cookie jar over my 37 years. I kissed boys (and girls) I shouldn't have kissed. I stole boyfriends and husbands and wasted precious time pretending I didn't know better. I see why you've been pissed at me.

However, whenever you're done assfucking me for my sins, I'd appreciate a goodbye kiss. I'm all for hot buttsex, but you know you don't even have the decency to use lube. I get that you don't have many friends, but your welcome is outstayed and now you're just pissing me off

I'm a good person. I take care of my kids and my husband. I don't break that many laws and while I've been known to get naked on the internet on occasion- nothing that I do is criminal. I'm tired now. I'm tired of swimming upstream and I now I just want to be happy.

How about we make a deal? I'll make better choices- and you stop making me feel guilty about them. In the mean time- if you could just lube up a little, that'd be great.

-julie

Is two weeks a break??

I dont' really think so- but for as much as I need a break, I am just posting shit somewhere else. Holidailies overloaded me. So I'm sorta back- refusing to be pressured to blog every day here cause I just don't think I'm all that interesting.

School is kicking my brain like a (insert name of famous soccer player here) and while I'm mentally exhausted from so much homework- I feel like I'm learning something. I was explaining to my friend The Drummer that while I can take a serious of numbers and standard deviate the fuck out of them... I can't tell you what that final number actually MEANS. I'm like that classical music guy who couldn't actually HEAR his own music. Or something like that.

Work is a hilarious disaster rightn ow as they are remodelling our wing and my boss and I have been displaced like refugees. So we are now sitting in the break room on another hall. Yah you heard me.
The break room. All day long with people eating and talking and making personal phone calls. Yeah like I don't have enough troubles with my ADD.

Last week someones phone was in thier locker and an alarm was going off every 3 minutes. I was about to lose my shit. It made me think of the Annoy-o-tron and how my best friend Ed has placed it in his co-workers office and now two weeks later the guy still hasn't found the source of the beeping.

Seriously dude, that guy is going to kick your ass. When he does, I won't laugh at you, but in your general direction.

Over the weekend my "not overmedicated" (read: totally snowed) husband (for now) fell asleep on the bedroom floor. When he didn't wake up, I checked his pulse- when I realized he had one- I left him there. I knew he was gonna be sore when he woke up- cause man it was a really uncomfortable position. You know when you just sort of crumple to the floor? Before you straighten yourself out. Try THAT for a few hours. I did take a picture of it though. Cause I find humor in tragedy.

No, I'm not gonna show it- I'm not that cruel.
Ok- so I video taped it.

awesome.

Who'll ease your pain?

It was a pretty bad day.  Tonight I watched the finale of Celebrity Rehab.  It's hard to watch every week- and this finale was hard to watch.

They played this song in the end- and I found it on YouTube.  

Alter Bridge- Watch Over You

Leaves are on the ground

Fall has come

Blue skies turning grey

Like my love

I tried to carry you

And make you whole

But it was never enough

I must go

Who is gonna save you

When I'm gone?

And who'll watch over you

When I'm gone?

You say you care for me

But hide it well

How can you love someone

And not yourself?

And when I'm gone

Who will break your fall?

Who will you blame?

I can't go on

And let you lose it all

It's more than I can take

Who'll ease your pain?

Ease your pain

Who is gonna save you

When I'm gone?

Who'll watch over you?

Who will give you strength

When you're not strong?

Who'll watch over you

When I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground

Winters come

You long to hear my voice

But I'm long gone

I've said it so many times.  Addiction is the worst thing that has ever happened to my life.  I have told so many lies.  I have so many secrets.  Really, what I want is to just sleep.  

Crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head, and just not deal with any of it.  Somedays are still pretty hard, just dealing with aftermaths... demons that still rise.  The athiest said I was overthinking it (sometimes it make me wonder if he knows me at all).  No it's not overthinking it, if these are the realities of your life.  You simply can't overthink the things that alter your life.  If I don't think about it all, then I make rash decisions.  It's when I don't think, that I do things on instinct and my instincts, when it comes to him, are usually wrong.  I try to bend things to my will and I try to force things to go my way.  I can't do that.  It's when I "overthink" the options, that I see them all and I make the best one- even if it's not easy for me.  

The athiest has the luxury of not over thinking my options, to which I consider him lucky.  He refuses to cater to me when I am feeling sorry for myself- and as much as I want to punch him in the face for not knowing that his atitude felt dismissive to me, I guess I wish I had the luxury of putting it on the shelf because I'd rather not have to think about it anymore.  

I wish I could close the door on that whole part of my life.  Take my ball and go home.  Or maybe I wish I could just sit in a cafe, across my good friend, and have a cup of coffee... and not talk about it at all.

Kickin it- Half Nekkid

What a long day!!

Took the husband to the ER this morning- like 3AM. What I should have done is just gone right upstairs to my office from the ER- but instead I drove him, and went to bed for a few hours- then went into work three hours late. He's ok. Same old.

Today is one of those days that my head screams for a different life. That I wish I didn't have to deal with these issues and I could just be stressed about money like everyone else.

Tonight though- the kids are at my moms, and I've got the apartment to myself. So I'm walking around half nekkid, eating a bowl of ice cream (for dinner btw) and just kickin back, enjoying my Christmas tree.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Analyze this...

::Bitchy rant alert::

I was going to make some pudding; one for the family and one for the night shift at work- however, that husband of mine decided to eat the whole box of cookies that I needed. So I guess the family doesn't GET the pudding. He ruined it for the class. Yes, I could go and get another box of cookies, but you know- it's the point. What gave him the right to eat the cookies I had saved for something that would have been for the whole family. And really- a WHOLE box of vanilla wafers???

It amazes me how he behaves.

I am absolutely OVER listening to him complain about how he doesn't feel well. I wouldn't feel well if I ate as much as he does, and lets not forget that his stomach doesn't digest food fast enough, if at all. So chances are- sometime last night he threw up a box of cookies, two frozen dinners and ice cream and a large tub of popcorn from the movies. And I'm supposed to feel sorry for him?

Yea, no.
I really really don't.

He doesn't try to manage his health. I have no sympathy for him in this.

I am certain that nobody in this house really cares that its my birthday. Everyone is concerned with their own wants, and nobody really gives a crap about me. I'm just the family paycheck.
This sucks.

When I leave for my trip, he will expect me to leave him some money for food and such. I suspect he will end up using it on fast food and other crap. I will make sure there is some food in the house, but I'm not leaving him with much. He's wasteful and selfish.

Ugh- I really cannot complain, this is the life I chose. Then again, this is my blog, so you know I can bitch here- I'm not bending anyone ear. Sometimes I can't remember why I made the decisions I made. What frame of mind was I in when I decided that all of this was ok? When did doing the right thing get confused with complacency and being a doormat?

I do this every year around this time. I re-evaluate my life. Where is it going? Am I living the life I want or at least living my life FOR the life I want? Am I surrounding myself with the right influences? Am I living a lie?- and why? What's the benefits of my current situation? What are the liabilities? Which is greater? What changes can I make- and at what cost?

What can I do to make sure that I'm not living a life that I know I will regret?

I already know my first response answers, but of course, it always involves more than that. Data is raw facts, the analysis is where you find the real answers. Perhaps this year, the real answers will be different.

I don't know anymore.

This side of my little world

Last night I confessed to Mike that during his good days, I actually am enjoying spending time with him. He still has his episodes, usually twice a month and I can deal with that, it's just par for the course. But it used to be, that during his good days, I still didn't like being around him. I've been globally unhappy and we've been playing nice for quite a while, staying mostly to our neutral corners, but occasionally coming out fighting and hobbling back, injured, bleeding and wondering why we bother staying in the ring.

But lately, I guess the last two months- when he's feeling ok- things have been alright between us. We get along. We spend some time together. We interact, we talk we laugh. We even have the occasional sex.

I am not going to say that it's all better, cause it's not. And I'm not going to claim that this is going to last, because it never does. But this little side of my world can use a little less stress on the home front, and lately I have been enjoying it.

He is not THRILLED about my new second job. "Sex toy peddler extraordinaire." However, I have promised not to let it take me away from home too often. No more than three parties a month, and I can try to get him involved. He can help me sort orders, marketing, whatever. I will figure it out. I'm going to push and peddle it here and maybe have a sex toy of the week or something. Be prepared. Feel free to buy. I won't tell anyone and I won't judge you and if you are in my neighborhood, let me know if you'd like to have a party. Check out the catalog, and feel free to ask me any questions.

the end of the summer pics

Mostly Danny... Mike will hate that I posted these- but he doesn't read this blog anyway. He looks pretty good here- not so thin. The facebook folk may not recognize him cause he's about 80 pounds lighter than you remember him to be.

must stop spending

I didn't go crazy spending... but I went through like $1500 in a week. Ok, so I paid at least two months each of my cell phone, electric, and cable bill. that right there is like $1000. I'm not going to stress it- just be careful. I think I should give myself an allowance.

Mike tends to want me to spend money too. Fast food, and 'hey lets go do this' and 'hey can I get this.' I have a hard time saying no- which explains a lot. But I need to chill out and not go crazy with my spending. This padding has to last me until January.

I am quick to want to blame him for everything, sometimes I feel like since he knows there's some extra money in the bank, he has all these things he needs or wants. I gave him money for the month- he gets nothing else. I hate being like, here's your allowance- cause that seems kinda fucked up- but you know, he won't be ASKING me for money and it's not like he NEEDS to be buying a lot. Money is always a source of contention. I know he will be out of the money I gave him and this system will not last long.

Really, I'd just rather he leave me alone all together. That was my hope. He's got some money for his stupid spending and he will just sort of leave me alone. Lets see if he offers to buy ME a meal once in a while.

I swear, I'm taking my meds.

I married my father.

I think I did. Really.

I remember more bad things about my step-dad than good. That's cause he really WAS a major dick for a lot longer than he was ever a decent guy. That happened the last few years before he died. The other 11 years he was married to my mom, he really was a prick. He was the only dad I really remember. Unfortunately I have very few memories of my read dad, who died when I was 9.

My step dad locked himself in his room a lot. We assumed he was just in there ignoring us. Maybe he was sleeping, I don't know. There was a lock on the door. He went through phases where he would come out and be semi social, sometimes kind of funny. Sometimes a decent guy- even though there was always this undertone of "Don't piss me off."

Eggshells everywhere.

The husband is very much the same. He goes through these phases where he's a pretty cool guy. He is good with the kids, he keeps the house clean and cooks and does all sorts of normal guy stuff- just so long as you don't piss him off. Then as mysteriously as he came, he's gone again. He's been in bed since Wednesday. And no- not REALLY in bed 24 hours a day, but like 18 hours. He comes out to eat and leave a mess, he grumbles at the kids. And sometimes just to be a bitch I make him come out and watch the kids so I can go do something I don't really NEED to do.

Last night we went to my mom's for a family party that he didn't attend. I came home and brought him some food. And some of My sister in law's AMAZING banana pudding.

OMG this is like bananas and crack
mixed in cream cheese
and covered in cookies.

Crack pudding with bananas.

Which would probably explain why he ate it all. Between 10PM last night, and 6AM this morning.

He ate all the Banana Crack Pudding!

Why am I even surprised??

Now I don't know that my step dad would have done THAT- but it's a characteristic trait. It's that "OMG you are such a selfish prick and THIS is why we don't like you" sort of thing that my dad had, that my husband has.

My mom and step dad were married for 13 years when he died. I really hope I don't have to wait 4 more years...

First full day

He is quitting smoking and I am taking my first step to freedom from enabling...

He is being a mega-dick. I can already tell that this is worse than withdrawals from alcohol and crack (and yes, I stood by and watched both of those). It's even harder because the violent ejection of cigarettes is because I told him that I would no longer buy them for him. Now who knows what happens on payday when I give him a little bit of cash for the week. I suspect he will buy them in seconds, and that is going to piss me off- but what he does with the money in his pocket I cannot control. I am not going to make runs to the store for him- blatantly purchasing them.

He hates me right now, he is being a fucking ass-tank to everyone who wants to cause him pain and I am apparently the captain of that team. Whatever. Right now I really feel like every day is a battle between us. If he gets his way, then I am miserable. If I get my way, then he MAKES me miserable by being so verbally put out, sick, addicted and a big bag of douchebaggery. So you know, either way I'm miserable, but at least I am not enabling his shitty behavior.

Small steps, but it's time that I make the ones that will get me the hell out of here.

Sometimes I am the stupidest girl in stupid town,

The e-husband went to the ER today. I knew he would eventually. Actually early in the week I called even said it outloud to my boss, "I'll bet he end up in the hospital before the end of the week."

I wish I could pick winning lotto numbers the same way.

So he went in, and is still sitting in the ER cause there's no beds. Here's some weird ER tips.
People wait until after work to go to the ER.
People wait until the weekend to go to the ER.
Unless it's a holiday, and then they wait until afterwards.

So Friday at 2, is a bad time to go to the ER- so here it is 9PM and he's still in the ER waiting for a bed. Well, who cares, he's IN a bed- he's got a TV. Chill out, dude. It's not like you are on a gurney in the hallway. I've seen that before too.

He called me and asked me to bring him cigarettes. I needs some, he says, I'm going crazy- bring them ok?

Ugh. Now I've always done thing for him. If I don't, he bitches- he lays on the guilt, he complains- he makes my life miserable. He kinda bullies me in a passive aggressive dickish way. So I usually just comply and loathe myself.

Today I was at my mothers house when he called and made his tobacco demands. I said whatever, and when I hung up, my mother who NEVER minds her own business started in on me about why don't I just say no?
You make the money, just don't buy them for him. Don't give him money.

Ok, question for the non-working women. If you head of the household spouse REFUSED to give you money, even though you are taking care of the kids and such- does that fly? Yeah, NO. I do not deny him money simply because I am the one that makes it. That seems wrong to me on a lot of levels. No, I don't like what he spends money on. It's probably $3 a day, cause he buys cheap ones. That's $90 a month, roughly. Yeah, that's a alot of money. However, if roles were reversed and I didn't work and he made the money.... hang on.... sorry was laughing there.... if that were the case, and he told me that I could NOT have any money-well, then he'd be considered a bastard, right?

That has always been my reason for sort of turning my head about what he wastes my hard earned money on. God knows I wasted it on make up and jewelry I never wear,

But then I was thinking... you know. I could not even argue the point with my mother- because really I don't buy it. My husband, dear readers, is going to be dead within maybe 5-10 years not IF he doesn't take care of himself, but BECAUSE he doesn't take care of himself. We all know that the main reason that I have not kicked him out and moved on with my life, is because I truly feel like he needs my help, passive aggressive as it may be delivered. (See D, I am only passive aggressive to people I am now or have ever been married to) He has very few other options, and divorcing him, impoverishing him, and basically destroying him (cause you know, my ego tells me that he will surely die without my snarky brand of "love and affection"). That being said however, I ask myself this.

If HE doesn't give a shit about his well being- by continuing to abuse his medications (in which the result is withdrawal symptoms that cause him severe dehydration and ketoacidosis) and smoke cigarettes, which he KNOWS are only hurting his circulatory system even further- then why should I? Why should I continue to enable this ridiculous behavior? Why should I keep my life on hold, doing what I believe to be the 'right thing' - when he is NOT doing the right thing.

I have been denying it, but he's become just another drug user, with a pusher who went to medical school. He has 4 doctors. FOUR. He is supposed to see the his primary physician, his endocrinologist, and his gastroenterologist at least every other month. He has not seen either of these doctors in several months. Maybe.... six?

He sees his pain specialist every two weeks. Man, never misses that appointment. Everything surrounds his pain meds, and really, now that I look at it- it's all about his addictions. His smoking, his pills, his food. And what do I do... I pay for it all. I turn away and pretend that it's all ok, when I know it's not ok. When I know that I am not ok.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of enabling him so I can continue to be unhappy. Exactly what is in it for me anymore? I told him when I brought him the cigarettes, "Enjoy them, cause that is the last pack I am buying for you. Period." I couldn't even look him in the eyes. What I wanted to say was, "I am so done and over with this- and your bags will be packed by the time you return from this hospital stay." Of course, I know that's not true. I can't even be sure that I can hold my end of what I DID say- but I want to try. I have to start somewhere.

What I know is that I'm tired. I exhausted and I'm unhappy. I am trying to do the right thing, but I think all I'm doing is being stupid and letting him take me for granted. Is this the beginning of the end. It should be. But you know, I can't answer that either.

What the fuck is the matter with me??

Resistance is futile.

Julie: Are you out of pain meds?

brief silence and then,

Michael: no

Julie: whatever (laughing)

He gets two weeks of pain meds at a time. He was completely overmedicated for a week and a half and falling asleep on his feet all over the house. Now he's sick and in pain and is bed asleep everywhere. There is a transition from overmedicated to withdrawals.

Like I don't know the difference. Hi, have you met me? My husband is a sober alcoholic and an almost recovering drug addict, because he is on scheduled drugs for actual pain.

This is my life, welcome to it.