Caution- adult content...

Go away if you are not an adult, or cannot think like one.

The Rabbit and I worked out our differences. It was an emergency. It was one of those jobs that only a special tool could handle. It was clean. Probably cleaner than it was out of the box. The only bad 'juju' it haD, was what I was giving it. Kim told me that there is a way to cleanse items of those negative feelings. But essentially, it was about me. If I felt that it was physically germ free- then the only thing holding me back, was my own feelings about it. So when I felt it was clean of that, then it was. Period.

So today was one of those days... you know, a week after the period when you are most likely ovulating so the urge is to fuck anything that moves. Hey, it's all about the procreation. I don't make the rules. However, it's sick and twisted that they even apply to me, since all my leftover eggs choke off and die somewhere in the midst of all my disconnected girl plumbing. Anyway. So I decided that the Rabbit was clean. I made up my mind that I would NOT be tormented by the fuckers who broke into my apartment- made a big mess and threw my toys around the room. I will not be afraid.

I will not let the terrorists win.

I needed to deal with this, once and for all. At one point I had pledged undying love for The Rabbit. I claimed that if I never had a man in my bed again, I would be sad, but you know, I'd live. Nobody wins in a stand off such as this one, except the fuckers who broke into my apartment and left me feeling uncertain about The Rabbit. About The Rabbit's ability to fulfill it's only job in my house.

So we started off slowly, not rushing into anything. I had moments where I was ready to give up. Frustrated and certain that it was going around and around in circles, but really, not getting me anywhere. It was rough. It was a knock down drag out fight.

But you know me.
I am not a quitter.

It took some time, a long time, but we worked it out. Conflicts like this simply can't go on for too long. I live with enough disappointment and hardship. I can't be denied my one 'sure thing'. Then the terrorists really HAVE won.

Intent and Purpose

I was going to do Golf Widow's meme, but as I was doing it, I was getting bored, even with my own answers. So I decided not to.

The general concensus is to ditch the rabbit. I do have another piece of the arsenal that I put in the dishwasher, twice- so I feel pretty confident that it's as clean as it will ever be. I would have taken a picture of it, next to the glasses, pyrex and the kids sippy cups, if I had a camera...

But the rabbit cannot be washed that way. I knew I should have picked the waterproof one!! Anyway, I think I will email the gal and ask her if maybe she wants another review done, there were quite a few nice toys on her site. Or I will save up to buy a new one, but until then, maybe I will put the rabbit away- maybe put it in a glass case "break in case of emergency."

---

Ok, so I got an email from Andy today and he said "for an Intents and Purposes, I am feeling better." Intents and Purposes. I have been saying, "Intensive Purposes".

"For all intensive purposes.... blah bitty blah blah blah." Now I feel stupid. Like I've been saying "nuke-yaler" or "vice-a versa" (oooh I hate that) or "irregardless" or my favorite "supposably."

Now I realize that I sound like a dumb twat, not to be mistaken with cumquat. Which really sounds equally bad, but at least it's a word.

So thank Andy for the English lesson. Next you can teach me how to spin plates, you bastard.

Lonely Hunter...

You may think and act compulsively today without knowing precisely why. A low mood can consume you, causing you to seek solace in the fulfillment of empty whims. The satisfaction you will likely feel upon giving in to your impulses will likely be short-lived as the hasty and erratic nature of your reactions may be the result of issues related to your past. Your behavior can be a sign of familial conditioning or other emotional baggage. If you take a long look at your feelings today, you may find that you can proceed in a manner that is contrary to your ingrained habits by making an effort to think and act consciously....Your compulsions will no longer play an active role in your experience today when you take the time to examine your emotions.

-----

Sometimes being someone who takes responsibility for her emotions and actions is a bitch. Sometimes it simply denies me the warm and fuzzies, even the warm and fuzzies are ACTUALLY pieces of past crawling on my skin, but with no intention of setting up camp in my blood.

Wow that was deep.

I was thinking that perhaps I have developed a crush on the ehusband. Even though I currently cannot live with him or even be around him for more than four days in a row, that perhaps there is a remote possibility. Remote, that I still love him, and that maybe if enough time, lots of time, months or years worth of time, passes- perhaps there is something to salvage here.

Has he changed? Well, some changes are made, yes. He is drink free, drug free. Yes. He is taking better care of his health. Is he healthy? No. He's a sick man. All sorts of sick, to where the flu will cause such severe dehydration that he ends up hospitalized, where you and I can just use some theraflu and 12-15 hours in bed. He has more issues, and so much stacked against him I almost have to give him credit for not killing himself. That is my greatest fear, that he will decide it's not worth it anymore. I cannot say that I blame him. Outside of his health, he has problems on almost every other front of his life.

What has changed, is his attitude about it, and that, strangely, impresses me. He does not blame his illness on anything or anyone but himself. Completely. It was the drinking, the pills, the drugs, the depression and his unwillingness to deal with any of it. He is ready now, even though it does appear to be too late for any positive prognosis. He will always be a type 1 diabetic, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, with bipolar disorder. These are the facts.

But he is also my the other part of me, my husband, albeit "e"stranged-husband, whatever. He was person who actually understand why I left bruises on my skin and simply said, I know. He was one who, when I told him, "I just don't know what to do with myself today...." simply says, I know. He was the one who I called when I came home and my apartment was broken in to. I almost called him FIRST, before I called 911. He was the one who said he would be here the next morning and stay with me for a few days.

He was 'the one'. He was always the one. Since our first date, he was always the one I wanted. And I fought hard to have, and to keep. And I fought hard against letting him go, but in the end, I knew I had to. Even now, I know I still have to. While his attitude has changed, it's not enough to convince me. His moods are not always reliable. Action is a better judge of change. And yes, there are some, but not enough that I could truly let go of the past. The past is so heavily weighted on the present. Even on days like today, I know this.

Days when I see him as the one who came to help me. To protect me and make me feel safe again. Days when he is the only person I can really cry to about feeling alone and frustrated and stagnant and failed. Days when I just want to fall apart over the loss. He's the one who will go in after me and pull me out of the water, even if he saw me swimming to shore.

But I know, as often as the wonderful past will drag me back, the ugly past will keep me from staying. I know that e-husband being here was the way that I dealt with the break in. My refusal to accept that I'm alone, and that there is a danger in that. I know that it is the shock of what happened, the way I've been feeling lonely and frustrated lately. The way that the kids are driving me insane. And the fact that I know all these things about him. It's my safety net. I also know, that had he stayed a few more days and not went home today, I would have started becoming annoyed with him again. I would have started to hate him all over again and would not be able to get him out of here fast enough. I guess that is they key, keep him around until I want him to leave. Then I won't be left wishing he'd stay longer.

Perhaps he knows that too. He tends to know me better than I know myself some days. Even when I think he doesn't know me at all. So I know that while I am feeling sad that he's left, and a little confused about my feelings. I also know that it's because of the trauma. The break in. The comfort in the familiar. A rescue from my recent bout with loneliness and anxiety.

But as with all things, good AND bad, this TOO, shall pass.

They should have just taken the rabbit....

So my camera is the only thing that is missing. I did find my rabbit. You know, it's a $100 vibe and I got for free for doing a review. But now here's my question. What the hell do I do with it?

Do I USE it? I mean, I cleaned it. With toy cleaner, and with soap and water, a few times. I laughed while I was washing it, cause you know, when you stroke up and down a sex toy with soap and water, you think, hmmmm, this is familiar. But I don't know if I could ever use it again. It was not messed up. It wasn't covered in anything- it was just underneath a pile of clothes. They probably turned it on, got a few laughs or something from the fuckers who were going through my stuff. What would you do? Would you ever use it again? It's tainted. Someone I never gave permission to touch my dildo had in in their hands. It has lost it's charm.
Would it be like getting strange?? Or am I going to feel dildo raped?

How sick is it, that this is my biggest problem with the break in?? Ah, the denial.

violate

My apartment was broken in to.

Ransacked.

Violated.

Nothing was stolen. Not a thing that I can tell so far. But things were knocked over. Cabinets were broken. Drawers were pulled out and turned over. Things were pulled down out of the hall closet, and my bedroom was completely turned upside down. The sheets were pulled off the bed, my dressers were dumped.

My nightstand was emptied... and the contents of the nightstand were strewn about the room. Laides, what's it's YOUR nightstand? yeah, well, that's what was in mine- more than a few of them. A few, um, items are still unaccounted for, but I suspect they are mixed in with the clothes that are everywhere. Two bottles of "lotion" were emptied all over my floor, my clothes the wall and the bathroom floor. I called the police, and then I called ehusband. Then I called my parents to come and pick up the boys.

They were probably looking for money. Ha ha, jokes on them. I don't even have spare CHANGE lying around. But I'm freaked out. I'm trying to figure out how and why? When? And god forbid, will they be back? Obviously there is a sex crazed woman with an arsenal of sex toys who lives there.

Friday morning.... The e-husband is going to be staying with me for a few days. I just can't stay here alone for a few days. Too freaked out. My mother, with her inabilaty to show real emotion, said, "I told you this is a bad neighborhood" and "E-husband is going to freak out at all this mess." As if somehow I was to blame for the mess they caused. She also questioned me as to why I asked e-husband to stay. I told her I did not feel safe here by myself and I needed him here for a few days. She said, "Ok- Miss Independent." Yeah, when did I ever say that? I never claimed to be superwoman. I think I clearly stated that I am pretty LOUSY at the parent, working woman, student, single mom thing. Don't let the cape fool ya! It just came with the mini van.

But I'm ok. It could have been worse. They could have vandalized my new carpet, or written on my new painted walls. Someone could have gotten hurt.

Hmmmm, my camera is nowhere to be seen. And my new Rabbit is missing. Those THIEVING bastards took my new vibe!! Oh, now I'm pissed!!!!!