Lonely Hunter...

You may think and act compulsively today without knowing precisely why. A low mood can consume you, causing you to seek solace in the fulfillment of empty whims. The satisfaction you will likely feel upon giving in to your impulses will likely be short-lived as the hasty and erratic nature of your reactions may be the result of issues related to your past. Your behavior can be a sign of familial conditioning or other emotional baggage. If you take a long look at your feelings today, you may find that you can proceed in a manner that is contrary to your ingrained habits by making an effort to think and act consciously....Your compulsions will no longer play an active role in your experience today when you take the time to examine your emotions.

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Sometimes being someone who takes responsibility for her emotions and actions is a bitch. Sometimes it simply denies me the warm and fuzzies, even the warm and fuzzies are ACTUALLY pieces of past crawling on my skin, but with no intention of setting up camp in my blood.

Wow that was deep.

I was thinking that perhaps I have developed a crush on the ehusband. Even though I currently cannot live with him or even be around him for more than four days in a row, that perhaps there is a remote possibility. Remote, that I still love him, and that maybe if enough time, lots of time, months or years worth of time, passes- perhaps there is something to salvage here.

Has he changed? Well, some changes are made, yes. He is drink free, drug free. Yes. He is taking better care of his health. Is he healthy? No. He's a sick man. All sorts of sick, to where the flu will cause such severe dehydration that he ends up hospitalized, where you and I can just use some theraflu and 12-15 hours in bed. He has more issues, and so much stacked against him I almost have to give him credit for not killing himself. That is my greatest fear, that he will decide it's not worth it anymore. I cannot say that I blame him. Outside of his health, he has problems on almost every other front of his life.

What has changed, is his attitude about it, and that, strangely, impresses me. He does not blame his illness on anything or anyone but himself. Completely. It was the drinking, the pills, the drugs, the depression and his unwillingness to deal with any of it. He is ready now, even though it does appear to be too late for any positive prognosis. He will always be a type 1 diabetic, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, with bipolar disorder. These are the facts.

But he is also my the other part of me, my husband, albeit "e"stranged-husband, whatever. He was person who actually understand why I left bruises on my skin and simply said, I know. He was one who, when I told him, "I just don't know what to do with myself today...." simply says, I know. He was the one who I called when I came home and my apartment was broken in to. I almost called him FIRST, before I called 911. He was the one who said he would be here the next morning and stay with me for a few days.

He was 'the one'. He was always the one. Since our first date, he was always the one I wanted. And I fought hard to have, and to keep. And I fought hard against letting him go, but in the end, I knew I had to. Even now, I know I still have to. While his attitude has changed, it's not enough to convince me. His moods are not always reliable. Action is a better judge of change. And yes, there are some, but not enough that I could truly let go of the past. The past is so heavily weighted on the present. Even on days like today, I know this.

Days when I see him as the one who came to help me. To protect me and make me feel safe again. Days when he is the only person I can really cry to about feeling alone and frustrated and stagnant and failed. Days when I just want to fall apart over the loss. He's the one who will go in after me and pull me out of the water, even if he saw me swimming to shore.

But I know, as often as the wonderful past will drag me back, the ugly past will keep me from staying. I know that e-husband being here was the way that I dealt with the break in. My refusal to accept that I'm alone, and that there is a danger in that. I know that it is the shock of what happened, the way I've been feeling lonely and frustrated lately. The way that the kids are driving me insane. And the fact that I know all these things about him. It's my safety net. I also know, that had he stayed a few more days and not went home today, I would have started becoming annoyed with him again. I would have started to hate him all over again and would not be able to get him out of here fast enough. I guess that is they key, keep him around until I want him to leave. Then I won't be left wishing he'd stay longer.

Perhaps he knows that too. He tends to know me better than I know myself some days. Even when I think he doesn't know me at all. So I know that while I am feeling sad that he's left, and a little confused about my feelings. I also know that it's because of the trauma. The break in. The comfort in the familiar. A rescue from my recent bout with loneliness and anxiety.

But as with all things, good AND bad, this TOO, shall pass.