Boobs and Porn and Dildos, Oh My!

I totally submitted to Tits for Troops this week cause I like to show my support, and you know, I do what I can. It's important, really.



And all I see is "oh my god- hello hips. Is that twisted? I mean 90% of this photo is boobs and what I see is the two curves that swing WIDE outwards. I know, it's twisted and self depricating, but really, it's part of my charm.

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I got a new book in the mail today "Male Domination and Female Submission." I am doing a book review on Amazon for it. I love reading good erotica almost as much as I love writing it- but something about getting dirty books in the mail is particularly sexy, don't you think? It's as if amidst the bills I'm not paying and the ads for produce and hair care products, there's a place in this world where it's perfectly ok to leave the vanilla at the door and get dragged around by your hair.

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Speaking of leaving vanilla at the door, I'm thinking about becoming a sex toy consultant and doing those home parties and stuff. I need a way to make some extra money, and I've done the candles and the crafty stuff.

I don't scrap book and I don't burn candles. I don't cook either, nor do make fancy baskets or organize my cabinets into plastic containers.

But dildos, I know. I know that some of those sex toy parties can really be an insane bore. Where a smartly dressed lady goes around calling the clit "the doorbell" (even though women have been explaining for years that it is not something to be PUSHED!) and referring to anal play as "upside down cake" when really it's just toys that go in your butt. I mean, really- buttsex isn't for everyone, but let not compare it to baked goods ok?

I'm trying to find a good company that sells a variety of toys, not just the pretty rabbit vibes, but some edgier stuff also. That does not jack up the prices and I can still make a decent profit. The Hitchaci Magic Wand sells for under $50 almost everywhere online, so I am not going to present it for $75. So far I'm looking at Temptation Parties, who is run by Adam and Eve who I already work with. Their prices are the most reasonable, and I think that makes a difference.

Here are some of my ideas for party games and ice breakers:

"Who here can deep throat?"
"Who's the most experienced/ AKA: a bigger slut than me!"
"The WORST Oral sex Story wins a prize!"
"It's ok to like buttsex, but you don't have to tell!"
"Advice you wish someone had told you about blowjobs."

Really, can you imagine one of my parties?? I think I'd be wildly popular. Wouldn't you like to attend one.

I can see if I can get a whole group of women to say the word CUNT outloud.

Oh that would be a good day.

food fetish

Ok you all know my love for the dildo right? I have lots of them. Tons really. More than any two people really need, and yet every month I get like 10 more. I do not do reviews with Eden Fantasies yet- I'm in the process, but I have not finished the preliminary steps. I only have one vag, how many things can I put in it right?

But anyway- I digress. I started twittering Eden Fantasies cause I love the gal who does the Twitter for it (won't link her here but if you know, you know) and today there was a twit about this.



Yeah- it's a vibrator. A vibrator that is shaped like corn on the cob. What the...? I mean, I'm all for fun with phallic items, but you know- well I can only think of one word.
Cornhole. And I'm not talking about the game with the bean bags. Or maybe I am.
Jesus

So on the corn vibe screen, there were links to other similar toys. Like this one.




Ok, If I'm going to go so far as to get nailed by a cucumber again, well- I wouldn't pick one this thin.

Did I say again?


And then there's this one.




Ummmm.... no.
No No No

So wrong on so many levels. What's with the happy face?

I know that many people would rather not have your kids find a big penis under your pillow so toys that are shaped like cock are best left in the stores, but really... if you are going to screw food- go to Trader Joe's. Go seriously phthalate free, and you know, have a snack later.

Ok- that's gross.
Don't do that.

I'd rather not have the option of putting my vag toys in a ceramic bowl as a centerpiece for when company come over.

Ok- well- maybe that would be awesome.


I'd rather not have the stuff that goes in my vag to go in my mouth too.
Wait... no.
Damn.

forget it.

screw your food.

Expert HNT

I'm not a beginner when it comes to sex toys.
When a toy is described as "GREAT FOR BEGINNERS", that needs to be a note that it's not for me.

What's on my mind? hmmm- DICK??



Check my review on it. It's not BAD- it's just not for advanced users.
Like me.

Happy HNT- go find out who else is getting Half Nekkid!!!

Right from Satan's taint

Ok- Transformers are straight from the Devil. Those fuckers are just evil. Pure evil.

The kids have 4 of them.

Optimus Prime
Ratchet
Jazz
and Cliffjumper.

Remember the old school Transformer toys? The head goes down, a few flips and clicks of the door, the body spins and viola! Yeah, no more.

The fuckers at Hasbro seemed to have contracted with NASA to make the most ridiculously intricate moving parts in order to make the parents of 5 year olds feel like complete fucking incompetent assholes. I have, on more than one occasion, tossed Ratchet and the newly acquired Cliffjumper (or as I like to call it "The Widowmaker") aside like a Rubix cube, my head down in shame.

"Mommy can't figure it out right now. I'm too tired."

I found this site for those of you who enjoy this kind of pain.

toys and a bit of bitching....

So I changed the background here. it's trippy. I dig it.

Last night I got my new selection of toys for review from Adam&Eve and a movie. 4 Words. Hot Jewish Porn Star. ha! Dont' believe me? Google: Joanna Angel. Smokin...
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So it my ever changing emotional state, I despise the e-husband today. He's just pissing me off, big time and it seems like he's pushing me to say the things that he really doesn't want me to say. I was talking to my crush recently, and we were talking about the dynamics of my marriage. It's all a series of choices. Life is a series of hard choices, and I pray that he (and anyone else) never have to make some of the choices I've had to make. Not that I over importa-cize (huh?) my life- cause I know compared to some, my life is trivial and ridiculous. But you know, in the grand scheme of things- "things" being 'the world according to the most awesome twat around' - well it all matters to me.

So is it too soon to name one of my new toys after my crush???

Just in time for Valentines day

The say that sex is not love, but try going without it...

In honor of the upcoming Holiday for all you couples, lovers, and happily married folk, I thought I'd throw out some gift ideas, in case you just don't know what to get for that certain someone...




Before you sigh because you can't afford the glass dildo's- take a peek at this. $35. (5 inches insertable, 4 1/2 inches around at the top.) The handle makes it user-friendly and hey, you can throw it in the dishwasher when you're done.

Ladies, you can buy this for yourself but he will surely enjoy it.



They also have a wide selection for you skinnier gals.. ;)

This is the "Bag of Love." Complete with vibe, lube, plug, love (aka "cock") ring, love (aka "anal") beads and bondage tape. It just screams "Happy Valentines Day baby. Lets get it ON!!!"


And for that man of yours. If you love his tush, let him know. Assuming that you also love his tush in briefs! (One size 28" to 38")




Red Satin Boxers can be found on this page. I'm just linking the whole page cause it's worth a look ladies. But be sure you don't miss the Cock-A-Too.

Hee hee... so now you are prepared. Clickity click click on over and shop till you drop...

So did ya see the link?? (18+)

To the left, to the left.....

There's a link there for my online adult store. It's sponsored by Adam&Eve so you know it's good quality stuff. I placed my first order (woo hoo) and got a fancy vibe with the Adam & Eve logo on it for $4, plus ANOTHER smaller vibe for free. Hey, one for the car you know... ha ha.

I'm not sure why people would really opt for a $20 vibe that has the logo on it, but maybe it's like buying Nike's- you want them to say NIKE! I don't usually do e-commerce, and I really started doing this for my other blog. Ha Ha- you thought it was a link didn't you?? Hee hee, just fuckin with ya. Anyway, I decided to take advantage of my mega traffic on the other blog and affiliate. Since I was able to have more than one 'campaign'- I decided to link here as well. So you know, if you are in the market for some toys- or a gift (don't be shy- a dildo makes a PERFECT gift for most gals!) then click on over to my store, sponsored by Adam & Eve. I am also trying to work out a product review deal, like that wouldn't be the most AWESOME gig ever!!

I joined the ERWA a while back, and while I don't participate much on their site, I do get frequent emails regarding places I can submit my writing and such. The most recent was a company looking for copywriters for their toys. I need to send them three samples. I had fun with the first one.






I'm still trying to imagine the idea of 10 inches long and 7 1/2 inches around. Can you say "forearm". Holy cock, Batman- that is one big dildo!!! I also need to write a LONGER (hee hee) description for the same toy. I am tempted to just write.... "Oh yes oh yes oh yes"- about 50 times. That might get the point across huh??

Caution- adult content...

Go away if you are not an adult, or cannot think like one.

The Rabbit and I worked out our differences. It was an emergency. It was one of those jobs that only a special tool could handle. It was clean. Probably cleaner than it was out of the box. The only bad 'juju' it haD, was what I was giving it. Kim told me that there is a way to cleanse items of those negative feelings. But essentially, it was about me. If I felt that it was physically germ free- then the only thing holding me back, was my own feelings about it. So when I felt it was clean of that, then it was. Period.

So today was one of those days... you know, a week after the period when you are most likely ovulating so the urge is to fuck anything that moves. Hey, it's all about the procreation. I don't make the rules. However, it's sick and twisted that they even apply to me, since all my leftover eggs choke off and die somewhere in the midst of all my disconnected girl plumbing. Anyway. So I decided that the Rabbit was clean. I made up my mind that I would NOT be tormented by the fuckers who broke into my apartment- made a big mess and threw my toys around the room. I will not be afraid.

I will not let the terrorists win.

I needed to deal with this, once and for all. At one point I had pledged undying love for The Rabbit. I claimed that if I never had a man in my bed again, I would be sad, but you know, I'd live. Nobody wins in a stand off such as this one, except the fuckers who broke into my apartment and left me feeling uncertain about The Rabbit. About The Rabbit's ability to fulfill it's only job in my house.

So we started off slowly, not rushing into anything. I had moments where I was ready to give up. Frustrated and certain that it was going around and around in circles, but really, not getting me anywhere. It was rough. It was a knock down drag out fight.

But you know me.
I am not a quitter.

It took some time, a long time, but we worked it out. Conflicts like this simply can't go on for too long. I live with enough disappointment and hardship. I can't be denied my one 'sure thing'. Then the terrorists really HAVE won.

Intent and Purpose

I was going to do Golf Widow's meme, but as I was doing it, I was getting bored, even with my own answers. So I decided not to.

The general concensus is to ditch the rabbit. I do have another piece of the arsenal that I put in the dishwasher, twice- so I feel pretty confident that it's as clean as it will ever be. I would have taken a picture of it, next to the glasses, pyrex and the kids sippy cups, if I had a camera...

But the rabbit cannot be washed that way. I knew I should have picked the waterproof one!! Anyway, I think I will email the gal and ask her if maybe she wants another review done, there were quite a few nice toys on her site. Or I will save up to buy a new one, but until then, maybe I will put the rabbit away- maybe put it in a glass case "break in case of emergency."

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Ok, so I got an email from Andy today and he said "for an Intents and Purposes, I am feeling better." Intents and Purposes. I have been saying, "Intensive Purposes".

"For all intensive purposes.... blah bitty blah blah blah." Now I feel stupid. Like I've been saying "nuke-yaler" or "vice-a versa" (oooh I hate that) or "irregardless" or my favorite "supposably."

Now I realize that I sound like a dumb twat, not to be mistaken with cumquat. Which really sounds equally bad, but at least it's a word.

So thank Andy for the English lesson. Next you can teach me how to spin plates, you bastard.

They should have just taken the rabbit....

So my camera is the only thing that is missing. I did find my rabbit. You know, it's a $100 vibe and I got for free for doing a review. But now here's my question. What the hell do I do with it?

Do I USE it? I mean, I cleaned it. With toy cleaner, and with soap and water, a few times. I laughed while I was washing it, cause you know, when you stroke up and down a sex toy with soap and water, you think, hmmmm, this is familiar. But I don't know if I could ever use it again. It was not messed up. It wasn't covered in anything- it was just underneath a pile of clothes. They probably turned it on, got a few laughs or something from the fuckers who were going through my stuff. What would you do? Would you ever use it again? It's tainted. Someone I never gave permission to touch my dildo had in in their hands. It has lost it's charm.
Would it be like getting strange?? Or am I going to feel dildo raped?

How sick is it, that this is my biggest problem with the break in?? Ah, the denial.