Princess bitchy pants

I wonder if I have become one of those women who is secretly happy when relationships fail. Isn't that awful. Two of my sisters are getting married. One is getting married in August, the other is getting married eventually, I assume. I mean- its not official, but you know you look at them and think, "oh yeah.... that's a done deal." I am really happy for them- of course I am. (oh now here's something funny. really the first SISTER I am talking about is not even my sister, but my BROTHERS fiance) That is how married they are gonna get- I'm already calling HER my sister and forgetting all about my brother. Sorry Rick. It's an estrogen thing.

Anyway- so someone I adore is sorta bitchy on twitter these days. I'm assuming it's his wife cause the scenarios are 'at home' scenarios. I was just about to type a message to him saying, So is the "so happily married I could puke" phase, officially over?

But I stopped, cause... what a cunt right??

Don't get me wrong, I love marriage. It's just the guy I married I'm not always so fond of.

I never want to be in a relationship that has me as a partner.

What the cock about that??

Many years ago I made a list of the qualities I would want in a good man. It had about 30 things on it, and it has an honest and practical list of things that went beyond the first year of dating. Some things that you don't always think about in the beginning, but upon looking back, may have been a sign that I missed. I can't find the list now- although I know it's here somewhere. I remember a few things.

• Sense of humor
• Kind
• Healthy relationship with his mother
• Solid friendships
• Can speak positively about his past relationships
• Moderately educated
• Willing to slow dance with me
• Handy around the house
• Patient
• Doesn't hate my friends
• Gets along with my family
  
• Compliments me
  
• Good listener
• Not condescending
• Humble
  
• Fair
• Reasonable life expectations
  

To name a few. Notice I said HEALTHY relationship with his mother. Sometimes a little bit of conflict is ok.

I remember after I put this 30 some odd point list together, I went back and put all the men I've ever been involved with up to the list. Just to see how well I have gone after the things that are really important to me. Strangely, nobody really hit 75%- most were closer to 50%. It's no wonder I am always so restless and eventually grow to hate the men that I spend the most time with. I really DON'T believe that this perfect guy is out there for me. I have some friends who are married to thier cosmic equal. I mean, these couples are so perfectly matched there is almost a glow around them. It's amazing. Everything seems effortless, even though I have witnessed the efforts. Everything appears smooth, even though everyone has rough patches.

NONE of my relationships have been effortless. None of them have been smooth. And perhaps maybe that is more about ME than it is about the men I involve myself with. Perhaps the common denominator I am missing is the fact that I am so fucked in the head I don't know a good relationship from a hole in my head. Don't get all "Oh Julie don't be hard on yourself." I KNOW me, and I am not always a picnic. I think I took some perfectly good men and fucked them up. Just ask Paul.

I'm a very logical girl, and I own my fucked-up-edness. Do I not believe that the right man is out there because he's truly NOT? Or am I SO twisted in my own man-haterish that I will never recognize or find him even if he came to my house delivering a pizza? And if I do, will I sabotage and twist him until he is so equally fucked up that I can blame him for everything- and therefore be correct in my believe that the right man is NOT out there.

I'm right, men suck and I can continue my life as a bitter queen.

Stop draggin my heart around...

I can't even begin to articulate the way I'm feeling right now. I just want to give up.

Baby you'll come knocking on
my front door
Same old line you used to use before
I said ya...well...
what am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into

So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demon down
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around

It's hard to think about
what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all

I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl

Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words

There's people running 'round loose
in the world
Ain't got nothing better to do
Than make a meal of some
bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you

I know you really want to
tell me good-bye
I know you really want to
be your own girl

Baby you could never look me in the eye
Yeah you buckle with the weight
of the words
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my heart around

yeah, that sounds about right.

Tear your heart out Tuesday

Jealousy is a dirty little bitch.

The e-husband is in bed with her lately, plotting to fuck up my life. Now we've been "e-stranged" for a long time. Living apart for 7 months, but you know- it's been a LONG time that things have been real bad. The beginning of the end started so long ago I don't even remember.

But with the actual separation, it leaves us technically free to explore the options. Lately I've met a few people online that I have been interested in meeting, but have not done so for one reason or another. He knows there has been vague interest for me, in getting out there, but he seems to want to ignore it. He has maintained that he is not interested in it.

Until today.

He said that the nurse came by again last night. Brought him dinner. Not even HIS nurse. And they have aids that do that. So this gal hijacked his dinner and brought it to him. I thought it was cute, I joked some more about getting her number. I was curious at this point. Wondering what kind of girl does that kind of thing. Judging her, I admit it.

He told me this afternoon that she came by again today. When he met her, she was a student, and they were practicing so she had shaved him. I remember when this happened. He told me that when she came in today, he was shaving and she flirtatiously offered to do it for him and he said ok. He was kind of flustered, but he enjoyed it.

Yeah, I about went thru the roof.

"What kind of slutty nurse SHAVES a patient that is not even HER fucking patient. How COMPLETELY inappropriate and you know, I KNOW people at that hospital so someone is going to fucking hear about this."

EH- "Wow- I didn't think you would be this upset."

ME- "Well Jesus. Why doesn't she just fuck you and get it over with?? There's an empty bed right there!! What is that cunts name again?"

EH- "Honey... I'm fucking with you."

ME- "WHAT?"

EH- "That didn't happen. She came by and said hello. That was all. I just wanted to know how you really felt about it."


fuuuuuuuuuck......

I didn't even know I felt that way.

Well played Mike, well played.

dirty little bitch....

Lonely Hunter...

You may think and act compulsively today without knowing precisely why. A low mood can consume you, causing you to seek solace in the fulfillment of empty whims. The satisfaction you will likely feel upon giving in to your impulses will likely be short-lived as the hasty and erratic nature of your reactions may be the result of issues related to your past. Your behavior can be a sign of familial conditioning or other emotional baggage. If you take a long look at your feelings today, you may find that you can proceed in a manner that is contrary to your ingrained habits by making an effort to think and act consciously....Your compulsions will no longer play an active role in your experience today when you take the time to examine your emotions.

-----

Sometimes being someone who takes responsibility for her emotions and actions is a bitch. Sometimes it simply denies me the warm and fuzzies, even the warm and fuzzies are ACTUALLY pieces of past crawling on my skin, but with no intention of setting up camp in my blood.

Wow that was deep.

I was thinking that perhaps I have developed a crush on the ehusband. Even though I currently cannot live with him or even be around him for more than four days in a row, that perhaps there is a remote possibility. Remote, that I still love him, and that maybe if enough time, lots of time, months or years worth of time, passes- perhaps there is something to salvage here.

Has he changed? Well, some changes are made, yes. He is drink free, drug free. Yes. He is taking better care of his health. Is he healthy? No. He's a sick man. All sorts of sick, to where the flu will cause such severe dehydration that he ends up hospitalized, where you and I can just use some theraflu and 12-15 hours in bed. He has more issues, and so much stacked against him I almost have to give him credit for not killing himself. That is my greatest fear, that he will decide it's not worth it anymore. I cannot say that I blame him. Outside of his health, he has problems on almost every other front of his life.

What has changed, is his attitude about it, and that, strangely, impresses me. He does not blame his illness on anything or anyone but himself. Completely. It was the drinking, the pills, the drugs, the depression and his unwillingness to deal with any of it. He is ready now, even though it does appear to be too late for any positive prognosis. He will always be a type 1 diabetic, a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, with bipolar disorder. These are the facts.

But he is also my the other part of me, my husband, albeit "e"stranged-husband, whatever. He was person who actually understand why I left bruises on my skin and simply said, I know. He was one who, when I told him, "I just don't know what to do with myself today...." simply says, I know. He was the one who I called when I came home and my apartment was broken in to. I almost called him FIRST, before I called 911. He was the one who said he would be here the next morning and stay with me for a few days.

He was 'the one'. He was always the one. Since our first date, he was always the one I wanted. And I fought hard to have, and to keep. And I fought hard against letting him go, but in the end, I knew I had to. Even now, I know I still have to. While his attitude has changed, it's not enough to convince me. His moods are not always reliable. Action is a better judge of change. And yes, there are some, but not enough that I could truly let go of the past. The past is so heavily weighted on the present. Even on days like today, I know this.

Days when I see him as the one who came to help me. To protect me and make me feel safe again. Days when he is the only person I can really cry to about feeling alone and frustrated and stagnant and failed. Days when I just want to fall apart over the loss. He's the one who will go in after me and pull me out of the water, even if he saw me swimming to shore.

But I know, as often as the wonderful past will drag me back, the ugly past will keep me from staying. I know that e-husband being here was the way that I dealt with the break in. My refusal to accept that I'm alone, and that there is a danger in that. I know that it is the shock of what happened, the way I've been feeling lonely and frustrated lately. The way that the kids are driving me insane. And the fact that I know all these things about him. It's my safety net. I also know, that had he stayed a few more days and not went home today, I would have started becoming annoyed with him again. I would have started to hate him all over again and would not be able to get him out of here fast enough. I guess that is they key, keep him around until I want him to leave. Then I won't be left wishing he'd stay longer.

Perhaps he knows that too. He tends to know me better than I know myself some days. Even when I think he doesn't know me at all. So I know that while I am feeling sad that he's left, and a little confused about my feelings. I also know that it's because of the trauma. The break in. The comfort in the familiar. A rescue from my recent bout with loneliness and anxiety.

But as with all things, good AND bad, this TOO, shall pass.

Guilt, pills, and DKA

Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.

Sometimes it's just important to remember. I can't feel guilty forever. Today around 9 AM, this feeling of anxiety came over me. I woke up feeling kind of hyper and in a good mood, but as it wore off as I got into my day.... the tightness in my chest began and I could feel my body temperature rise as well as my heart rate. I took half a crazy pill (Xanax) and then I picked up the phone and called e-husband. He did not answer. I left a message, checking on him. Letting him know I was checking on him since I knew he had not been feeling well. He called me about an hour later- he was in the ER.

The condition known as diabetic ketoacidosis occurs when the body has no insulin. This leaves the muscle, fat, and liver cells unable to use glucose (sugar) in the blood as fuel. Other hormones such as glucagon, growth hormone, and adrenaline cause fat to break down within the cells of these tissues into glucose and fatty acids. These fatty acids are converted to ketones by a process called oxidation. The body is literally consuming muscle, fat, and liver cells for fuel. (taken from ehealthmedicine.com)

I knew he had the flu, but the stress that the dehydration puts on his body causes his blood sugar to spike. This happens almsot every time. I knew it was coming, it was about time. Part of me wondered if it would not have happened if he was living at home. If somehow I could have been there, known he was sick and really helped him to manage it. yes, it's alot of work, glucose checks every hour- the whole deal. yes he can do this on his own, but when you've got the flu and a high fever...well, nobody is completely alert and oriented. So now he's in the hospital, because nobody was there to take care of him. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty because there is nothing I can do to help him, and I will always feel that desire to want to. Guilty because I senses that something was wrong. I sensed it all weekend. On Friday when we spoke, something in his voice said, "I'm not ok." and I did what I do best. I ignored it. At least he had the good sense to get to the Emergency Room.

He is not helpless. He did all he could do on his own, but he knew it was getting worse, so he went in. He does not NEED me. He lives on without me. I know that. I claim no glory for saving his life. But I still FEEL something for him. We are still close. I still love him. I just can't live with him anymore. I've been over all this. Right now, he is bad for me. He brings me down, I keep him down by not forcing him to get up. So I'm trying to stay up, he's trying to get up on his own. WE are not trying together, we are struggling, apart. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. Don't make any sudden moves. Maybe it will pass.

"When two people love each other but just can't seem to make it work, when do you get to the point of 'enough is enough'?"

I can't even answer that right now- but go ahead and guess the movie.

Dark and Twisty

I have these dark and twisted days. Usually when I'm off my meds it happens, but I'm not. I just feel frustrated and angry.

E-husband is leaving today. In good time. He never fails to remind me why we are no longer together. Why we live apart, why we may never live together...ever...again. I always take it personally. I always feel guilty when he gets sick when he's visiting the boys.

Did I mention that he always gets sick after he's come to visit? Now, as far as I can tell he gets sick every 3 to 5 days, regardless of WHERE he is- so that is probably not my fault. But there is guilt there. Because there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. And really, I don't want to even care.

I used to care too much. I used to overwrought with guilt day and and day out, because I could not help him. Not from day one. I know, not my fault. I know that. I know that it wasn't my job to help him. It was not my role. I made no promises and nobody holds me accountable for saving him. But still, I still feel horrible about it. I still have this nagging feeling deep in heart that maybe it WAS my fault. That maybe there was something I could have done. And my response to that now, is to run. Turn and walk away. I can deal with him when he's happy and feeling semi decent. When he's not, I feel guilty, and I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I'm a "fair weather wife" now. I have done the Worse, the Sickness and the Poorer. I don't want to do any more of it. I'm ready for the Better, Health, and Richer.

So today I am just feeling twisted. Running. I feel like running. Actual running, which I never do. Because that will release the ache in my chest. It's the same ache that I get when I stop taking my meds. Anxiety. I take a daily pill for it, but it seems like time for reinforcements.

Captain Xanax to the rescue.

G.C.W. rides again.

Sometimes I think I get a little too 'chick' for my own good. I prefer me to be a little more ice queen really. At least that way my feelings don't get hurt when things go awry. The Grumpy Cunt Whiner is visiting.

I've had a friendship go way south recently. It makes me sad and makes me wish that so many things about me were different, but then again- I am who I am and I simply can't please everyone, even if I really really want to. I will miss my friend, but we all make our decisions. It's not just that we had a fight, or that we decided that we should no longer be friends. But my feelings got hurt, bad. The view from under the bus is not a good one. And I suspect that the tire marks on the back of my neck are permanent.

In response to his exit, I said some things, that, well, sealed the deal. There is no turning back now. The zinger. I don't know why I felt the need to have the last word, but I certainly was not going to give it to him. So I made the final move, the Mortal Combat "FINISH HIM" blow and now it's over. Game over. Period. Maybe I did it because I wanted the friendship to be over without any chance of fixing it. So I won't wonder. So I won't leave any doors open. Because in the end, I shut the door. Sealed it, sanded it flat, and put a oak dresser in front of it. Nope, there was never a door there.

Now I can't look back, even if I wanted to- and even if I did, he wouldn't give me the time of day. I guess I had that coming.

Unhealthy relationships should be thrown out with yesterdays trash, and we both knew this. No matter what the argument, whose decision, whose last word. What's done is done. Some friendships cost more than what they are worth.

I hope that we are right in deciding that this is one of them.

My life as a whiny dramatic twat

So I'm going to throw out there something about myself that is not any kind of news flash, but I should remind myself of now and again.

I have been on medication for generalized anxiety disorder since May or June of "last year". About 6 months now. Anyone who knew anything about me- was supportive of me taking meds to control my 'moods' (aka: chest pains, crying spells, and overall freaking out on a daily basis). After the first two weeks, marked by hot flashes, nausea and hyperactivity, were over- I started to feel a little more normal. I think I handled my son leaving pretty well, as well as my best friend moving away- and even the remainder of the co-habitation and eventual excising of the e-husband. I "anxieteed" less. Every one is happy. Nobody gets phone calls anymore crying in the middle of the night and I think I've only tried to "eat until the hurting stops"- once.
With dinosaur fruit snacks.
Hardly even a cry for help.

So for all persons involved, the meds have been a good thing. I am a firm believer that mental 'issues' are real- even if it means I'm a bit psycho.

But lately I have stopped taking my meds. Not stopped all together, but stopped remembering to take them on a daily basis. I forget on the weekends, and then by lunch time on Monday- my chest is as tight as I WISH my ass was. My hands get shaky and I want to tell my boss, who sits facing me (our desks are facing each other like Eddie and his dead brother in Who Framed Roger Rabbit) that I want to throw a pocket full of pennies at her. I take them for a few days, then forget for a few days- on again, off again.

I admit, some of my writing gets better when I fall into this 'dark place'. I become incredibly 'creative' and sometimes insightful. However, I also become more self destructive for my own good. I have no good reason for forgetting to take these pills. I carry them in my purse. They are my American Express Card- and I jokingly refer to them as my 'bitch pills' (the Xanax are my 'crazy pills'- for those really special moments). I am not in denial, I am not resistant to treatment, I am glad to take them because I whole heartedly agree that I am a whiny dramatic twat when I don't take them. I like myself a LOT better when I'm medicated to indifference. And I think other people like me better too- cause I will actually come around people and not hide out from the cruel cruel world.

So what gives? Am I just too lazy to take the pill? Am I trying to convince myself that I don't need them? Perhaps I like the 'creativity' that I get when I don't take them. But either way, it's no way to live. I'm not going to lose my mind, or live in constant state of "chick"- just so I can write dark and dirty sex stories, albeit fantastic ones.

I work in a hospital. A patient today claimed that they ran out of meds two months ago. Hello?? No, you just stopped taking them. You "run out of meds" for two or three days. After two months, you've just stop taking them. I have a husband who was non-compliant with medications and treatment that his issues are permanent. I know first AND second hand, how much damage comes from not taking your meds. So much for my high horse. I'm just as irresponsible as the next person when it comes to a daily pill.

Now that I know I can't get knocked up, no matter how many guys I screw- the concept of a daily pill has lost it's importance.

I did take it today- for the first time in 4 days and it's like someone laced my coffee with speed. I should be back to normal tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm trying to find a good dick joke to call in to Golf Widow and Andy. The choices are endless. Any suggestions??

Peace Out.

Seldom seen, by anyone!!

Last night in the car I heard on old song that must truly be the most beautifully descriptive, and sappy-ass love song I've ever heard. I knew all the words.

Love, soft as an easy chair.
Love, fresh as the morning air.
One love that is shared by two
I have found with you.

My parents loved A Star is Born when I was growing up. I probably saw the moving 100 times and I know all the words to the entire album by heart. I never paid any attention before really- to how beautiful the lyrics were, cause when you are 8, you don't DO that. From my memory, that love story was not exactly "soft as an easy chair." I've been in love a few times- it's never "soft as an easy chair." Besides, chairs can be a little uncomfortable in the beginning, until you sort of 'work it in'- then it's YOUR chair- but then after a while, you start to question the functionality. Perhaps it's not big enough, not soft enough. Sometimes it becomes too soft. You start to wonder if it was worth the money. And really, is THIS the chair I want to sit in for the rest of my life??

Like a rose, under the April snow.
I was always certain love would grow
Love, ageless and evergreen.
Seldom seen by two.

A rose, under the snow- ok that is a little more like it. Now, living here in California- where it NEVER snows, let alone in April- where it doesn't even always rain, it makes even more sense. To describle love as a rose, under the snow in AUGUST. That sounds more like it. It's bad enough that there is snow, but why the hell is it snowing in AUGUST?? That is more like the love I can understand. Harsh weather at the wrong time- fucking up what is supposed to be delicate and beautiful.

You and I could make each night a first
Everyday a beginning
Spirits rise, and the dance is unrehearsed
They warm and excite us
Cause we have the greatest love
Two lights that shine as one
Morning glory, and midnight sun
Time, we learned to sail above
Time won't change the meaning of
One Love
Ageless and ever Evergreen.

Gee. Sounds nice huh? Lovely. Exciting. New.
Yeah, not buyin it. I think many of us were raised with the ideals that we are going to meet up with the ONE guy who is the perfect guy. Who fills the empty spaces and completes whats missing. I believed this, even though I saw the struggles my mother went thru with my dad- who I believe she truly did love very very much. And even on TV, my other role model. I saw so many movies and tv shows filled with these tumultuous relationships- that really tend to be more reality these days.

But then songs like THIS get into the heads of impressionable young girls. Leaving them to believe that there is a prince charming out there who will ride me, I mean- THEM- away on a white horse, that love is evergreen. My mom was so concerned about me seeing sex tv. Hell, that stuff is real. Sex, if you are lucky, can be the most connected you ever are with yourself- primal and alive.

Maybe it's just the cynic in me. I think it's more realistic to let kids watch sex on TV other than filling them with the fantasy of some evergreen love. I think they are more likely to have the sex.

But then I did sit and sing the whole song??

Hmm, perhaps I just like leaving the door open, just in case.

You Don't Have to Go Home,

But you can't stay here.

Yesterday on the way to work I heard Alanis Morrisette, Unsent. In which she sort of has 2 sentence closure with men in her past. It got me thinking about what I would say to old boyfriends and lovers of my past if I just had two or three sentences. It really is quite a cumbersome list and who do you choose? Just lovers? Just ones you considered 'boyfriends'? Ones that were intense but short lived?- all of them? I don't know. I guess just ones that I have something to SAY to. But really, the more I thought about it- the more I realized that I don't HAVE a lot of unfinished business. I'm all about closure when it's over. And usually I do the breaking up. I hate the 'not knowing' or feeling like there is something he didn't know. Don't stop beating the horse until it's dead.

But for the hell of it- I thought I would throw some out there, just to rattle my brain a bit and see what leaks out.

Bill- You are an ass and I can't believe you lied and told all your friends we were having sex. By the way, I fooled around with John and Mike after we broke up because they were consoling me. We didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I don't care.

Jason K- You were my first and I know that I said I loved you. At the time I thought I did, but you know, I just went out with you to piss off Bill- and it worked. And every time we broke up, I went back to him- and for a long time afterwards. But I'm sure your stalking efforts figured that out. He's fine, by the way. He says hello.

Steve- I saw you in the grocery store a year or so ago with your wife or girlfriend and I know you recognized me, but I could not remember if I actually had sex with you. Apparently we did. Not my best moment.

David- Would it have killed you to mention the GAY thing before I totally fell for you?

Robert- You are very important to me. I'm glad you're still part of my life and I'm most glad that despite all my best efforts, I was not the woman who fucked you up the most.

Trever- You were one of those moments that changed my life and affected me forever. Probably not for the best but I was a different person then, and I while I am not proud of my behavior, it makes me glad to know that it worked out for you. And living well is the best revenge. She won. Karma is a bitch. It moved in, slept on my couch and didn't pay rent.

Paul- You inspired me to get my education and I plan on sending you an invitation to my graduation party. I'm so happy for your success. But really, we both deserved better. We did have a lot of fun and had some good memories, like the trip to Vegas and some quality time spent on a picnic bench in Wyoming.

I think I'll stop there.... I'm gettin all misty.

Here's a guy who had some serious closure issues. It's a long list, but it's freakin hilarious for those of us twisted fucks who have a trashy sense of humor. a la "me"

If the link doesn't work, paste this into your browser.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/203730169.html

The Girls I Have Dated

excerpt:

Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.

Meagan - Here are some things you shouldn't do: Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him.

Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do.

So enjoy that little bit of CRAZY.

And be sure to come back lots this month while I attempt to be a daily blogger.

The E-husband

A brief return of the grumpy-cunt whiner.

Today is his birthday and it's weird to not spend it with him. We've talked, about 5 times today. We had sort of a fight last night. Not a fight, but a conversation that had an ugly undertone. It was about moving on. Who does it first, and why.

He is not ready to be in any kind of relationship. He feels hurt by me, that I somehow betrayed him by leaving. He is entitled to his feelings, but I don't agree. He says he is in no way wanting to get into a relationship. I feel differently. I am lonely. I've BEEN lonely for a long time. Wanting the comfort of a man in my life. A partner. Moving on to me, seems obvious. If I didn't want to move on and 'date'- well, I guess I would have stayed with him. I have had friends encourage me to stay single. Don't date- just be alone. Find out who you are.

For starters, this is all with the assumption that I don't know who I am. Secondly, I've BEEN alone. E-husband and I lived in this house together- and took care of the boys. But we stopped being a "couple" a long time ago. Holidays were obligatory. Kisses were token. And niceties were few and far between. It had been a long time since he held my hand. Since he said grabbed me in the hallway and kissed me. Since we had anything that remotely resembled intimacy. Being alone and single is not going to make me realize that I don't want these things. I already know that I enjoy the company of a good man who will hold my hand, grab me for a kiss, and all that other stuff. Just because I got my ass kicked in this marriage, does not make me unsuitable to be around people.

Anyway, e-husband feels that I made it thru the addiction, but left when he got truly sick. I guess if you wanted to look at a timeline, that is true. But it was not so simple and to see it that way, well, I guess you would have to really be on that side. And we are just on different sides. I miss him, I really do. He is the man I will probably love above all other men in my life- and I am truly heartbroken that things ended up this way.

But I started my mourning period years ago. It was at least two years ago that I really started to have doubts that this marriage would withstand the pressure we put on it. A year ago, I knew it wouldn't. And it took another year before I had the guts to walk away. So this is not a fresh wound for me. I was seeing scabs and scars before the day he packed his things. Does this mean that I'm over him? No, not by a long shot. But do I think I'm ready to move on. Yes, definately.

What I am afraid of, however- is telling the e-husband. Hey, I've got a date (if I had a date). I thought this was to mean that I wasn't ready to date. But I suspect, after having this conversation with e-husband that the reason I'm not ready to tell him is because I know, or at least I think, it will really hurt him. It will be 'final' for him and I fear that it will send him into a nasty ugly depression. That the current civil relationship we enjoy will be over and I will lose him, again. I am afraid, because like always, his feelings are more important than mine.

ugh- this "being honest with myself" thing- sucks ass.