The E-husband

A brief return of the grumpy-cunt whiner.

Today is his birthday and it's weird to not spend it with him. We've talked, about 5 times today. We had sort of a fight last night. Not a fight, but a conversation that had an ugly undertone. It was about moving on. Who does it first, and why.

He is not ready to be in any kind of relationship. He feels hurt by me, that I somehow betrayed him by leaving. He is entitled to his feelings, but I don't agree. He says he is in no way wanting to get into a relationship. I feel differently. I am lonely. I've BEEN lonely for a long time. Wanting the comfort of a man in my life. A partner. Moving on to me, seems obvious. If I didn't want to move on and 'date'- well, I guess I would have stayed with him. I have had friends encourage me to stay single. Don't date- just be alone. Find out who you are.

For starters, this is all with the assumption that I don't know who I am. Secondly, I've BEEN alone. E-husband and I lived in this house together- and took care of the boys. But we stopped being a "couple" a long time ago. Holidays were obligatory. Kisses were token. And niceties were few and far between. It had been a long time since he held my hand. Since he said grabbed me in the hallway and kissed me. Since we had anything that remotely resembled intimacy. Being alone and single is not going to make me realize that I don't want these things. I already know that I enjoy the company of a good man who will hold my hand, grab me for a kiss, and all that other stuff. Just because I got my ass kicked in this marriage, does not make me unsuitable to be around people.

Anyway, e-husband feels that I made it thru the addiction, but left when he got truly sick. I guess if you wanted to look at a timeline, that is true. But it was not so simple and to see it that way, well, I guess you would have to really be on that side. And we are just on different sides. I miss him, I really do. He is the man I will probably love above all other men in my life- and I am truly heartbroken that things ended up this way.

But I started my mourning period years ago. It was at least two years ago that I really started to have doubts that this marriage would withstand the pressure we put on it. A year ago, I knew it wouldn't. And it took another year before I had the guts to walk away. So this is not a fresh wound for me. I was seeing scabs and scars before the day he packed his things. Does this mean that I'm over him? No, not by a long shot. But do I think I'm ready to move on. Yes, definately.

What I am afraid of, however- is telling the e-husband. Hey, I've got a date (if I had a date). I thought this was to mean that I wasn't ready to date. But I suspect, after having this conversation with e-husband that the reason I'm not ready to tell him is because I know, or at least I think, it will really hurt him. It will be 'final' for him and I fear that it will send him into a nasty ugly depression. That the current civil relationship we enjoy will be over and I will lose him, again. I am afraid, because like always, his feelings are more important than mine.

ugh- this "being honest with myself" thing- sucks ass.