lexapro? not again

My relationship with mental health drugs has always been very kind of like/hate. There's never been a LOVE issue with them. I've never LOVED the way I feel on meds.

About 10 years ago I started getting chest pains. It would cause aches down my arms. My whole body would sort of ache and I would get restless and panic about it. My doctor would give me an ECG at least twice a year, since I have a family history of cardiac disease. After treating my husband, he figured out that I don't (yet) have cardiac problems.

He sent me to a psychologist and scripted me some Xanax. "You're not having a heart attack. No Julie, you're having anxiety attacks."

You think??

So I went to therapy for a while. On and off for years. Dr. O was my favorite. After Danny was born I saw a different one, Dr. N. Who encouraged me to do things for myself and keep my eye on my own goals, like finishing school. The last guy... I can't remember his name, he was more of a sounding board- but I saw him weekly and as I would talk, the 'answers' would sort of come to me, and he'd say, "ok... I'm following you."

I stopped seeing him when I got a new job in a new city. I haven't been to therapy since. When I went to work at the hospital, I also went back to Al-Anon, in place of therapy. That was ok for a while too.

I was on Xanax, as needed for many many years. At this point, as needed was starting to be 24/7. So I went to my new doctor and got my first script for something that was less dangerous than Xanax, which turned out to be Lexapro.

It wasn't bad. It helped a bit. After the first week of side effects, I was less apt to want to peel my skin off. The anxiety attacks became less frequent, but I still had the Xanax when I needed it. Maybe once or twice a week. At this same time, things in my life were changing so I think there were less things to be stressed out about. I stopped taking the lexapro when I couldn't afford it among other reasons. For as much as it helped, I never LIKED being on it. I always just felt a little LESS like me. Medication and therapy simply silenced me. It kept me from getting angry, and anger propels me. It encourages me to move forward. It inspires me to make decisions on my own behalf. Medications numb me a bit. It makes everything tolerable. Therapy helps me deal. AlAnon helped me stay.

What I need, is to go. So no therapy, no Lexapro.

However, today I'm going to refill my Xanax script. Just so I don't kill anyone, as needed.