Wait... what?

Yesterday on the way home from swim practice and Alex said, "When I graduate from high school, I'm gonna go there."  

Huh??  

"The Armed Forces Recruiting place.  I'm going to go there after graduation."

Wait... what??

I looked at him, probably with the same expression I had when he told me he swallowed a quarter.  "You what?"  Surely he misspoke.

"Yeah, I want to go into the Army after high school."

dead stare

"Didn't I ever tell you that?"

speak Julie.  Say something.  Anything.  Someone hit me on the back of the head.  Who is this kid?  Military?  Alex??

Lazy, half-ass, hyper, won't shut up, can't stop moving.... ALEX?    

in the military.

I realize that I haven't spoken yet. 

 

"No, you've never said anything about it before." Doesn't he know that there's a war going on?  A war, that could conceivably be still ON in 4 years?  I think this is the conversation that I silently and unknowingly feared ever since I heard the words, "It's a boy."

We talked a little more.  I asked him why.  Not in an offensive way, just curious. I was careful not to seem negative, or even nervous.  But I was.  Very much.  I know what you're thinking- he's 14.  He will change his mind.  Next week he'll want to be a doctor, or a podiatrist, or a fucking PIRATE.  

He's been thinking about it for a while now.  Really??  I didn't know this.  Why didn't I know this?  

Here's the thing about Alex.  He's NEVER told me I want to do this when I get older.  He's never displayed any interest in a career, or a job, or what kind of car he wants.  Sarah has been talking about being a doctor for a long time.  (Of course NOW she wants to go to art school... in Canada.)  Not Alex, I have talked to him for the past year or so about college, what he might want to do after high school, the classes I want him to take since they will benefit him when he goes on to college, etc.  This was the first time he's ever talked back.

"I want to be like Uncle Rick," he said, "He has a good life.  The respect of the people around him.  He was part of something awesome.  I want that."

Smiling, I reached out and touched his hand.  

We talked a little bit more about it.  What branch of the service he might be interested in.  Maybe the Marines, maybe the army.  I suggested he research his options and that he talk to his Uncle Rick.  He asked me if his flat feet were going to keep him from the military.  I admit, I had always been a bit relieved back when I thought that it would and I never mentioned to Alex that Rick advised me that it doesn't anymore.  I never really thought that Alex would want to be a soldier, but I admit I was somewhat hesitant to put that information out there, just in case.  

It was out there now.  

I cannot deny that is scares me.  However, I cannot utter a harsh word about his decision.  I have always been a strong supporter of the armed forces.  My brother is a hero, not only to myself but to my family.  I could never say that the military is ok for the sons of others, but not for me.  No, I don't believe that.  

I remember how much it hurt when my brother left for basic.  I remember it so vividly.  I was a year older than Alex is right now.  I also remember running through the crowd the day he graduated basic, and jumping to him and hugging him so tight, because I was so very proud.

No, I could never be against it if he wants to do that.  I could never even consider talking him out of it, even now in these early stages when I probably could talk him out of it.  Maybe he will change his mind, there's an amazing change he will- however it won't be because of me.