nothing more than- feelings

Yesterday was a lousy day. Sometimes I have them. I woke up from a bad dream and spent the entire day feeling "afraid of, less than, and inferior to."

My life is on the verge of change and change terrifies me, even if its good change. I am always left wondering, what if I fail? What if I can't roll with the changes? What if I'm not good enough for the big shoes I have to fill. In my career as well as my personal journey I am moving on to bigger and better things. My fear is telling me that I won't be good enough. My fear is kind of a loud mouthed bitch.

These things happen. I have learned to roll with the bad times as they simply can't be avoided. All the anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, unfriend/ unfollow writing and meditation in the world cannot stop those days where I just feel fear and insecurity about many number of things. I have learned that I have to FEEL my feelings and they are not wrong- but they are not facts. Feelings are not facts. I do not make decisions based on fear anymore, not without facts to back them up.

Weeks back, MrX had me do a Needs vs Wants list. All day yesterday, I kept asking myself if my needs or wants are being threatened by the thing that was bothering me. The answer was no. Even as I felt my mood go through its swing, the answer was still no.

Fear that is backed up by facts is helpful and in some ways can save your life. Fear for the sake of fear... it holds you back. I have spent many many years of my life held back.

Just breathe girl... you can make it thru this day.
I can't be told, "cheer up- life is good." I know life is good. My life is several shades of an awesome rainbow right now. Really. My life, for all it's struggles does not suck.

So I rolled through the day. I let myself be frustrated. I cried a lot. I vented some feelings. I reminded myself that this is today. I can get through today. If my 12 step work taught me anything it is that you can only life one day at a time, but that today is not always an indication of tomorrow.

Before I went to bed I noticed that it was after midnight. I made it. Today I am feeling better. Much better. I have an exciting day ahead of me and I can't wait to see MrX and my friends tonight.

What is that song? "What a difference a day makes."

My 12 step sponsor once told me "'This too shall pass' works in both directions. Bad days will end, but so will good days." (I know, depressing isn't it??) But it reminds me of the one thing that still saves me from those bare knuckle fights that I have with fear and insecurity.

Feelings are not facts.

boxes

Tonight on Brothers and Sisters a woman who had lost a lot of her memory was trying to move on with her life and she ended up burning old boxes of memories she didn't really even have anymore. It's a TV show, so I take it with a grain of 'rah rah' salt, but the look of joy on her face with the first box went into the fire- and she was able to rid herself of the things that were weighing her down.

It made me wonder what would be in my boxes? Would I be able to throw them in the fire?

That box of body image issues I have been carrying around since I was 20? 19 years of body shaming and never feeling like I was sexy enough. 19 years of dieting, only to have the diet fail and me proclaim proudly that I like myself no matter what size- until I have a 'dress' to fit into. How many fucking diets did I go on, in order to fit into a dress. I'd like to burn all the dresses.

That box of "slut" that I keep just so I can take it out and prove that it's ok. Yes I like sex, shut the fuck up about it. I'm a PROUD slut god-damn-it and you can't shame me. I own that- I even have a box to prove it? And inside the box, a collection of lovers I never gave a damn about. Partners that I used to get love or to chase love away. Sex that I got to prove that I could. And sex that I traded to avoid punishment, or to manipulate. I'm proud of all that... aren't I? Fuck it, toss it into the fire.

The box of regret. Oh that's a heavy box. You know what's in there. Everything I didn't do. Don't even look. Just douse some lighterfluid on that bitch and in it goes.

The box of fear. Holy crap thats way in the back- give me second on that one.

The box of failure. The one that I have allowed to define me all these years. In that box is the simple idea that I will never be better than my greatest failure. That no matter what I do well, I will always be remembered for the the time, the thing, the situation that I fucked up. I will never be more than the day I disappointed my mother. I will never be smarter than then my worst grade. I will never have a job better than the one I got fired from. I am only as strong as my failures, and I have failed spectacularly, so don't get your hopes up kiddo. Yeah, torch that box. Lets put the contents thru the shredder and THEN light them on fire. Wow, that doesn't even seem like enough.

The box of relationships. The ones I have held on to. The ones that got away, the ones that left. The mementos, the letters, the pictures. The loves that I was so certain were the one for me. The man I wasn't good enough for. The one that no man will ever live up to, or maybe the love I won't allow myself to live down. The lid is worn on this box because I keep opening it, looking in to see if there is something I missed. I have the contents of this box memorized. I don't need the box anymore.

Ok fear, you bitch. In to the fucking fire you go. You are kindling for my soul and I just won't let you rent space in my mental closet if you aren't going to keep me safe. If I'm going to be afraid of something, its not going to be the same shit I've been afraid of since my 20's. No, I will find new fears and I certainly won't keep them in a box. No, those new 'fear' bitches are going to kiss my fucking boots and walk behind me. (or so I would like to think)

So once I get rid of all these boxes. All the things that are holding me back- what do I do?

Whatever the fuck I want, right?

the family bed

Part of me keeps thinking that I REALLY need to break Gabriel of the habit of sleeping in my bed. Now that it's usually just me or just Michael in the bed, there's room for Gabriel and he knows it. This morning I woke on and he was curled up next to me. He was sleeping so soundly, and I reached over and stroked his newly hair-cutted head. I slept in bed with my mom for many years. I mean, I think until I moved out at 18- I would crawl in bed with her every chance I got. There's a certain comfort about it- I admit. I hate to deny Gabriel the comfort I got. Most days I really don't care though- I don't think there is any harm to it. He doesn't steal the covers anymore.

What are your thoughts??

It's a new day, it's a new life.

Welcome to 2011. It started with a kiss.

I have not been kissed at midnight in a long time, except on the cheek from Alex- but that hardly counts. I enjoyed a nice kiss from MrX at a party with some friends. Shortly thereafter, someone bumped into me, spilling my sparkling cider on my sweatshirt. Well, that's ok.

So I've decided to write mildly about my relationships here- without being at all disrespectful to my family or my husband. I came home from my New Years eve plans and drifted to sleep on the couch. Michael came out and we talked about my evening and then he put me to bed, tucking me in and kissing me goodnight. I am grateful for our friendship, even if sometimes it kinda sucks. For all intents and purposes- he's my life partner, until the day it's decided that he's not. We can co-exist together for now. One married day at a time.

I haz a blog and I will write.

I know right?? Oh my God- she's blogging here? What is she going to say??

Heh- to be honest I have no real clue. I have a head full of thoughts and I'm struggling to put them into full sentences. So here's my brain scramble, try to keep up.

I have no idea how my apartment gets so fucking messy and why I am completely incapable of keeping it clean. I mean- sometimes I think I'm the messiest girl ever.

Today I came home from work and straightened up, so that tomorrow I can clean. I need prep cleaning before I can clean. That's how bad it is. However tonight I de-trash the living room and kitchen. I did a small amount of shopping, washed my sheets, cleaned the cat box and paid the cable bill and fed the kids. Seems pretty simple, but usually I come home from work and take a nap, I wake up when dinner is ready. Do some homework with the kids if needed, read and then it's back to the couch for my homework- or another nap.

My husband, for all his faults, is a better domestic partner than I am.

I know- back and forth and who the hell knows from one day to the next if I am going to be married to him, divorce him, or kill him my damn self!! I haven't made any real decisions about that. I'm just taking it day by day. I know that will disappoint some people, but if you know me- well you know me and I don't have to explain my reasons. If you don't know me, well, you wouldn't understand if I told ya!

However, my new life has it's benefits. A few weeks ago, Alex asked me how my evening was- and I told him minor details. Michael walked into the room and asked what we were talking about and Alex answered, "Mom's date." and the three of us had a bit of a conversation about my date. Really it was more about traffic and the crazy parking situation in LA, but still.

Me and my open marriage.

And a calm conversation about it.

I call that a win.

The passage of time

It's been almost two months since I've written here. I guess I just needed to figure out where I was- and who I am.

The last three months have been rough. The first half of the year, I can safely say, was good, but like many good things in my life, they are dependent on something or someone else. When that someone left, well, everything sort of went to hell.

All I know is that what I thought changed my life, left me feeling lost and uncertain. You only realize how ungrounded you are when you are shaken up. When nobody challenges you, everything seems stable. And here I am, a whole year later, and life seems much the same as it was before. And I just can't feel anything but sad about that.

Sure, I'm much closer to that graduate degree. I have great friends and loved ones. I have recently been reminded how much I love my family.

But I loved someone, and he left. Do I hate him. No, but I just can't have him in my life anymore. As much as that hurts me, and as much as I want him in my life... well, he hurt me. It's hard when you think you know someone, and they are not who you thought they were. Maybe I expected him to be MORE than he could possibly be. Maybe I just expected him to be who he SAID he was. I don't know. But whatever he is, isn't mine.
And that really sucks.

So here I am, approaching 39. Transitioning again. Always changing and evolving. Always moving away from something, when I should be moving towards something.

Always ruled by my heart, never really learning that it doesn't have a clue.

dreams of the ocean

I had a dream last night that I went to the beach by myself in the middle of the night. I know... why would I ever do that right?

But regardless I went to the beach and went out to the cold water. I kept walking until I was so far out that I wasn't sure which way the shore was. My head was just above the water and I was on my tip toes. I remembered thinking that this was a recurring dream of mine. I was out in the water. I didn't know which way to go and I knew that I was going to drown out there. It felt like the water was rising. I was cold. My chest felt like I couldn't get air into it. I was dying. I knew it.

I thought that it wasn't a dream, this was actually happening and I was just as scared as I was in my dreams. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to just pick my feet up and float under? or was I supposed to swim? But I couldn't swim. I thought to myself- what am I doing here?

Did I come out here- just to die??

So I focused for a moment. I closed my eyes. I felt the water. I felt the current. I felt the wind. I got quiet and I listened. Which way were the waves going? I touched my toes to the ground and bounced back up- letting the water carry me. I did this a few more times, until I could tell that when my feet touched down, I was not as far down. Why, in my dreams, did I never think of this before? I kept my eyes closed tight. Crying, but determined. I was not going to simply give up and die- but not panic, be quiet and let the current take me every time I took my feet off the ocean floor. I continued to do this until the water was up to my chest. I knew I was going the right way- but I also felt the current taking me sideways. I didn't fight the sideways motion, I just kept letting the water carry me. I was too scared, too cold, to tired to fight the currents.

Just keep pushing off the ground, and trusting that it would be there when I floated back down. It did. The cold sandy ocean floor was under me each time I came down- that was all I could rely on. My direction- I couldn't change. Just keep going, I told myself.

I was up to my waist now and my body was stronger than the currents now. I could step. One foot, then the other. Still moving with the water. Almost walking in the direction of the current. Yes, farther and farther from where I started. But closer to shore. When the water was only at my knees, I fell foward and crawled. I let the water hit me, splash up over my back. I was so tired, I wanted to just lie down and let the water carry me- in some ways it did. I just put hand over hand, knee in front of knee.

When I reached shore- I lied down. I let the water lap and my sides. I was safe.
I wasn't sure exactly WHERE I was- but I was on the shore- and nothing else mattered.

I woke up this morning, remembering this dream. Wondering what it means. What is my lesson. What is my current? Why did I walk out there? Did I chose to die?

And why, in my dream, was being out in the middle of the ocean a 'recurring' dream of mine. To my knowledge, I've never dreamed of of that.

So what does the DREAM in itself represent?

To the person I wish I could be

Dear Julie of my dreams,

How does size 8 feel?
I hope you are enjoying your career as a writer.

Please send my best to your husband, wife, girlfriend, and the harem of others than roam in and out of your bed. What an amazing life you have.

Now get up.... cause you have laundry to do!

Someone from your Childhood

To PROVE that this letter writing thing is kicking something off for me, this is a portion of a REAL letter I wrote to my cousin and BFF:

Dear Lori,

How are you?? I know it's been about forever since I written, but I was thinking about how wonderful it was when we used to email back and forth. Email is such a lost art for me, now with twitter, facebook, chat and text. It's like if you can't say what you want to say in 140 characters, its not worth talking!!

But I did want to talk. I can't believe we've only facebooked since you got pregnant. That's ridiculous!! How are you feeling?? Are you terribly excited? It's a **** right? Have you picked out a name? I so wish I could come up for the baby shower!!

It's been a rough summer and I'm glad to see it go. I hope the fall will bring change to my life as I see that I have options now that I didn't used to have.

[The parents] are not going to be watching the boys as much so I guess I could move out of the area, if not out of state. I have three classes left of school- I'm so done with with it I could cry. I'm out for 19 days and then I have 24 weeks of study left. Honestly if I never have to write another paper again it will be too soon!! I have no clue what I'm going to DO with this degree and considering the option of becoming a truck stop waitress with comfortable shoes and purple earrings outside of Ontario. Seem like a pretty simple life.

The break up has me pretty reeling and feeling more broken than I have in 'I can't remember when'. It's been almost a month and I think yesterday was the first day I didn't cry. I admit to using methods that are less than healthy to cope but none of them are life threatening. So now I'm looking forward and a bit unsure what to do next. I think I've spent so many years being in relationships. Stressing out over them, trying to create one, fix one, or save one. I just need a break- but really I'm such an addict about it. Always looking for my next fix of attention. I put myself on dating sites, only to be unimpressed, annoyed or simply not committed to really keeping up communications because I am just so very sad about the end of this relationship.

So I keep thinking about that 'break' that you took. I have a clear picture in my head of going to visit you at your moms, and you were sitting out on the patio- reading when I got there. It's such a quiet peaceful picture in my mind, and I wonder if I can do that. Just take a break, no dating, to touching, no sex. Just me and my thoughts and the other usual suspects. I don't know. I realize that I have set my entire life up so that I am never REALLY alone yet I feel so alone that I'm actually uncomfortable around people. why did the relationship end? Well, in the end there is no cure for, "I just don't love you enough to see a future together." There's no fault there- as much as I wanted to take one. Taking the blame gave me an opportunity to FIX it- but he would not allow that. He isn't a bad man. I just wasn't the one for him, I guess. It happens. sigh...

So now I'm just sort of searching and reaching and trying to talk less and listen more. The answers for me have to be out there. It seems insane that I have reached THIS point in my life and I'm still such a disaster with my heart. Seems like no matter what I do, I'm still led by my heart- and that has never brought me riches, or even happiness. Tragic really.

Anyway- I hope I hear back from you. I could use the connection and I really do want to hear all about your pregnancy, your home and your life.

love,

julie

Letter to Someone not in your State or Country

Dear Hetty,

You've been gone just a few weeks and I miss you and the family already. It was so wonderful meeting you. It didn't feel like you were family, but then very much like family.

It was great having someone to bond with a little, as I don't have a lot of local girlfriend that I can hang out with, and I am often not inclined to get out of the house very often. It was so convenient to have you so close. My kids adored you and your whole family.

I have thought very much about the things we talked about- taking a break for myself. Focusing on only caring for those that are my children and letting the adults be adults and allowing them to care for themselves. Your life and your free spirited bravery are so inspiring to me. To be able to move around the world, with your kids and just feel confident that you will land on your two feet. I'm always so paralyzed with fear that I have to justify purchasing a new stereo for my car- let alone anything that is life altering.

Your kids are beautiful, talented and well behaved. They are so smart and I'm so very impressed by your ability to connect with them on a level that truly shows respect and authority. Something that I think I lack sometimes.

I truly hope that you can come back to the states next year or sometimes soon after that. You would fit wonderfully here and I would be so glad to have you close. I miss being able to talk to you. You made good, what would have otherwise been a pretty bleak summer.

love,
julie

Letter to a deceased person I wish I could talk to

Dear Christine,

I miss you. Every single day. So much more lately.

I think about you whenever I have avocado on my sandwich and I remember with a smile on my face how you would shoo it away from your plate.

I went to Disneyland with my friend this summer and I felt you there. I saw the brick that your parents got for you. It made me cry. Sometimes it still seems so unreal that you're gone. I still have not deleted you from my contacts on my phone, my email, my yahoo messenger.

Of course, it would scare the hell out of me if you ever logged on....

love,
julie

Letter to my favorite internet friend

Dear Twitter,

Look maybe this is cheating... but really sometimes you are the best friend I have, anywhere.

I became friends with you about three years ago and the relationship was rocky at first. I wasn't sure what to say- if there was any benefit to our coming together. It took a while before it hit me- the value of our connection.

You have brought a lot into my life. I've made many many friends. I've learned a lot. The first time I realized the sheer 'power' of twitter was when my boss asked me how to mute on Treo. I logged in and typed out the question. In minutes- MINUTES- I got about 10 replies.

Twitter- from that point on- you became 'my people'.

You're not as awesome as the Google... but rarely do I ask a question to my people and not get some sort of response. Sure, sometimes it's not a good response. Sometimes there are the less desirables that plague my twitter stream.

You have given me a voice. Sometimes, people actually enjoy reading what I have to say. You are a place where I can vent my trouble, ("Dear Husband: Stop being a dick") share my joys ("Graduation Day!"), get advice ("Can I substitute cool whip for milk in my mac and cheese?) and just chat with my friends. If people are active in my tweet stream, consider us sitting in a coffee house, chatting and enjoying a muffin. Or you know, naked...

Oh Twitter, you HAVE broken my heart ("Has anyone seen my pants?"). You've given me directions, traffic warning, and a way to access the outside world when other life was otherwise dark. You have helped me make me some amazing friends that I've met in real life. You have brought me lovers and confidants and heroes. You are a pretty good wingman, but sometimes a serious cock blocker.

You have made me popular and you all know how much I want to be one of the cool kids.

Sometimes I feel like we need a break. That I need to just stay away for a while because sometimes, believe it or not- the internet is NOT big enough.

However, I love you Twitter. Even if our relationship is a little wacky and even though you completely encourage my identity crisis and sometimes kill my self esteem a little. Better or worse, I don't know that I could make it through a day without you.

love,
julie

Letter to my ex partner/ love/ crush

You know, I'm not doing this. Not yet- not now. Not here.

He knows who he is, he knows what I want to say.

He knows how I feel.

I love you, I hate you.
Don't leave me, go away.
I can't stay, don't go.

Lather Rinse Repeat. He knows.

We move on to love another day.

Letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

I haven't seen you for a while. For most of the past 5 years I see you at the end of my work day. Sitting at the freeway onramp. When I had money, I always gave it to you. You were almost always there. I always made eye contact, even when I didn't have anything to give you.

Last year or so, the sign that you sometimes carried mentioned cancer.

So it makes me very sad to realize that I haven't seen you recently.

I hope that you are ok.

love,
julie

Letter to my dreams

Dear Dreams,

Well I really overshot the runway on that didn't I?

better luck next time,
julie

Letter to my siblings

Dear Siblings,

One of my greatest joys in life is having you. It is comforting to know that there are people who may not know me- but know my heart. It's comforting to know that you may not always agree with half of the shit that I do- you will still love me. And you know that I still love you.

I admit it's struggle being the youngest. Being the one who can never seem to get her shit together. The one who lives closest to mom and therefore monopolizes much of her time. It's not as easy as it looks. It's not easy thinking that nobody REALLY takes me seriously.

But I don't blame you for that.

I'm just grateful every day- that we grew up on a family where we may not always like each other, we may not always support the decisions, but that we are not one of those families that 'disowns'.

I never understood that about some families, more often American families. Where someone will disown another member. Cut them off completely as if they just weren't ever there. Who teaches these things? It's so foreign to me. I could never imagine just forgetting I ever had siblings. Thats like saying I never had this arm... it doesn't calculate. The other day I said this to a friend:

being a family just isn't an option for us...

I think it's sad to think that it's an option for anyone.

I mean, (she) can be a thorn...

but you know- my family?? the whole 'entity'...

it's who I am.

so you take the pieces as part of the whole.

love,
Julie

Letter to my parents

Dear Mom,

This isn't an easy letter to write and I'm really not in any place to handle all the major things I need to talk about. I wish you knew me better. I wish I understood what you expected of me. I wish that I ever felt like I was a decent enough daughter for you to actually say outloud that I was good enough. That you were proud of me. You have no idea what that would mean if you actually said it to me and not people around me but never to me.

I applaud you for making motherhood look easy, but I don't think that it's necessary to make me feel like I've failed at it. Nobody is perfect. I'm certainly sure of that. I've learned a lot about raising my kids from you. Not by the way you raised me, but by the way you care for my kids.

There's so much that I haven't told you about me. So much that you wouldn't want to know. So much that you would deny, not understand or flat out deny. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish that we had some understanding that our feelings were valid even if they didn't make sense to each other.

While I may never be as level headed, brave or stable as the other sibs- I am certain that I am of value in this family, even if only for comic relief. It's not easy being the 'helpless' one- or the one who is always getting into trouble or the one who is always making mistakes or the one who married the drug addict. Nobody ever lets me forget it, ever.

While maybe this letter seems a bit aggressive, if you knew anything about me- maybe you'd know why. Maybe you'd understand that living the life I'm living is exhausting. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I'm very very scared. I don't blame you or dad, or Bill or even your husband now for anything that is wrong with me. Well, maybe Bill some... but that's something else you'll never know about because I won't ever tell you what happened there. Ever.

You know, like so many other conversations I've started with you- I can't finish this one either. You don't thnk know me. You don't think you want to. That's probably for the best.

I love you. I wish I could be more like you. Or maybe I just wish that I felt you liked me more.

Maybe both.

love,
julie

Harsh book quotes to remember as I go thru my breakup

These things rip my heart right out, but there is no denying that they are true.

He's Just Not that Into You

by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

Just remember that (he) is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

---

I wish I could say that I was living by these thoughts... but I'm trying to remember them when I get too far down. especially that last one.

Letter to my partner

Dear Michael,

I'm not going to focus on the bad things. We have enough bad memories, regrets and disappoinments to last 25 years. Instead, I'm going to focus on something in common, but good. The kids.

Alex seems to be doing ok now that his gf is on vacation. He sleeps late and stays up late but I don't ive him too much grief about it. I have to constantly ride him about doing his chores which makes me feel kinda bad that I always told you to get off of his case about his chores. You were right, if I don't tell him 5 times, it doesn't get done. Perhaps it WAS getting done because you were riding him all day about it. I worry a little about the boys he's hanging out with. He has alluded that M and H are into some 'stuff I wouldn't like' - but that he doesn't do stuff like that cause his gf wouldn't like it. I suspect he's kept his nose clean, but you can never be sure.

Gabe is doing better. Lately I am frustated with him because he won't eat. He fusses about everything I make, but then complains that he's starving. I'm trying to be patient and understand that he's going thru a lot, but he's just pushing back for no apparent reason. I can't let the kid starve, but he's so stubborn, I'm tempted.

Danny is just Danny. He's in his own little world Like I said, he hasn't asked much about you- but I see his behavior regressing. He's watching the preschool TV shows and find himself fascinated as if he's not seem them before. It's a bit disconcerting but somehow it isn't manifesting into any other bad behavior so I won't complain too much.

And me? well, you know it isn't easy bein me these days. It was nice to see you the other day and I admit I was a bit needy and emotional. I'm glad that one of us is in a good place and we didn't let sad emotions get the best of us. I want to do what's best for all of us, and I think we are on the right path to that- but I can't help but be a little sad, thinking... what if?? I can't hold out those kind of hopes anymore as it puts too much pressure on you and to be honest, I think some things are better left out to pasture- you know? Regardless, it was good to see and hear you sounding hopeful about sobriety. It is good to see you hopeful about anything.

Either way, seeing you made me smile- the hug was much needed and I appreciated it more than you know. It's a dreary existence some days- and it's nice to know that someone will still give me a no strings attached hug if I ask for it.

Thank you for that.

love,
julie

Letter to my best friend

Dear Carrie:

I really meant it when I asked if you could come out and just take care of me for a while. I know you would if you could. I cant think of anything more comforting than an unjudging person sitting next to me and holding my hair back through the emotional vomit. I know when I'm a mess, and I know when I need to come home again. If my mothers house wasn't full of people, I'd probably camp out there until the storm is over.

I sometimes wonder if our lives might have been different if we lived closer together. If you had never left California- or if I had moved to be closer to you. I can't tell you how many times I thought about packing up and leaving. I think the only reason I'd ever want to live in Oklahoma was because you were there.

It makes me sad that our kids don't know each other. That they didn't grow up sort enmeshed in each others lives the way my brothers friends/ kids did. They are all close in age, both 'sets', and I wonder how they could have been different had they been in each others lives. How we might have been different. Its funny how our lives have reflected each other- even from such a distance. That we are in different careers in the same field. It's ironic that we have spend our lives together but have spend probably less than a 1/2 percent of those years in each others physical company- but you'd never know it.

While I always considered myself the 'wilder' of us, I know that you were always the strong one- the strength in my corner. Now, before I get too 'wind beneath my wings' on you- I hope you know that I have always knows that I have a home in your home. That I have a safe haven from any storm and that no matter what, you will always accept me, my kids, and all my bullshit without question. You've always been my safe call. For that, I'm ever grateful. I hope that I've been the same for you and that you have never felt taken for granted.

I know that if I showed up with my kids and my cat, a bottle of cheap wine, some rotel and a deck of cards- I'd be home.

Many years ago we talked about taking an anniversary trip to celebrate 25 years together. I think we should still do that in a few years. We should bring the kids, rent a house by the water and just celebrate, cook, drink and play cards. I can't wait to see you again, my friend. I know I will soon.

love,
julie

(I'm going to be writing a letter every day for 30 days). Check back every day- or see this post to see the list of who I'm writing letters to. If you want to play along, let me know!!