Sunday night thoughts

I have to get ready for tomorrow. I have to give the kids a bath- and get thier clothes ready for tomorrow. I have to take my kids to day care in the morning. Michael has someplace he needs to be in the morning, he didn't directly ASK me to take them- but he implied that it would be alot easier for him if he didn't have to do it. I guess I could have played stupid and not offered, but I'm sure he would have kept commenting on it- and it would have annoyed me. So I offered. I am trying not to be pissy about it, because I did offer. I guess I cannot expect him to care that tomorrow is my first day at my new job. He barely commented about any emotion I had in leaving the old one. Whatever. I have to just let that go.
A friend of mine and I were talking about London recently. He had been to London and I've heard him talk often about how much he liked London. I remember when he returned from London and showed me all 6 rolls of photos (before the digital camera came around). He asked me if I ever thought I would go, to London...I thought for a second and replied, with all honesty, "Probably not." It's not that I would not WANT to travel, I have just never had anyone to travel with. And therefore travel has never been that important to me. I am afraid of flying, but it's convenient to be afraid to fly- I never fly anywhere. I have been on a plane a dozen times in my life. And yes, I panic a bit- but with the miracle of Xanax, I'm sure I will be fine the next time. He asked me, why I didn't think I'd ever go- that I should go. And I replied that I really haven't traveled, and I never met anyone who would want to take me anywhere. He told me that I don't need a man to take me places. And he's right- but I guess I've always had a man in my life, and none of them ever really took me anywhere.
He was shocked when I told him that I had never seen snow. Not just snow falling from the sky, I mean, I live in Southern California- that doesn't happen here. But snow, on the ground. I've never seen it. Never been to the mountains, I don't ski, obviously. And I have friends who have said, "oh- I'll take you." and I usually decline, because it really doesn't matter. Except now.
Michael has promised me every year that he would take me to see the snow. That we would take the kids (back when there was just two), then three, and four. We will go this year, he would tell me every year. And every year the seasons come and go- and no snow. And yes, I could pack my kids in the car and drive up to one of the local mountains... but what for??
My vacations consist of me, just not going to work. One of my best girlfriends wants to take me to Vegas when Michael finally moves out. And on a cruise to Mexico in the summer time cause summers are always stressful and I suspect this one might be harder than others. What makes me sad about the whole thing, is that it makes my life seem so empty-actually it accentuates the fact that it is empty. My life is filled with all this drama, but no real points of interest that would make it out of the pages of a script for Days of Our Lives. His comment on not needing a man to take me anywhere, is so obvious and simple, but I think it was as clear to him, as it was to me- that I was always waiting for just that. I guess lately, I have come to that realization- but hearing it outloud that way....well, it sucked.
But maybe someday I will travel, maybe even go to London... I guess anything is possible now. I just have to trust myself...