I can't think of a title.....

It's been three days and I'm going through blog withdrawals. Is there anything that I don't eventually become hooked on??
Spoke to my sponsor the other day- she wants to get together to do my third step. I'm ready, but then, not so ready. My program has been suffering a bit as of late. I have taken my life back into my own hands lately. The third step is "Became willing to turn our will and lives over to the power of God as we understood him." and lately I have not been so willing to do that. I feel like I need to keep my hands on the wheel right now. (Referencing that song "Jesus take the wheel.") In the back of my mind, I sense this is a bad idea. I believe that God's plan for me is better than any plan that I have for myself. And in the grand scheme of things, I will end up where I'm supposed to. But I need to stay strong, and I need to stay focused on my goals. I have to keep my eye on the future today- because the present is kind of painful and I just need to look towards a better time, and I know that time is coming eventually.
I agreed to help Michael move out. He' s looking for a room to rent, and I offered to pay a month or two of that rent for him. It seems like the decent thing to do. Maybe too decent. Maybe too kind. But he's my husband and I want to him to be ok. Have a roof, and at least a decent start. He will have a membership to the gym, so if he finds himself somewhat homeless, he will have access to a shower. That seems like a decent thing to do. I have been told that it's still enabling. That I'm still helping him too much. But damn it, he's my husband!! I'm not divorcing him just yet. He's someone that I care about. Maybe I am not in love with him the way I used to be. But I still care about him. He's my kids dad. As thier mom, I owe it to them to help him where I can. And maybe two more months of shelter and access to something healthy, like a gym membership is the least I can do- perhaps to lessen my own guilt.
I am just not that person who can say, 'hey- screw you and get out.' I just can't do it. And maybe I should, but I can't. I won't. There's a limit to my helping, and if I can't help, I won't help. But if I can, I will- at least for now. Once he's moved out- and perhaps had time to adjust, then I will have to be stronger. I think it will be easier for me to be strong if he's not around to push my buttons.
There are women in my meeting who are "black belt Al-Anon's" who would be able to be stronger. Who would not put up with the crap that I have- and maybe some day I will be there. But today I'm just not. and I know the costs of that too.
Putting up with this. The drinking, the drugs, the peripheral crap that comes along with it... all of it, has cost me more than I thought I had to give. The fact that I have an ounce of dignity left is a miracle in itself. It has made me afraid. It has made me unable to trust myself- and other people. It has made me stop believing in the miracle of love and companionship- marriage. It's made me bitter and a little bit twisted. It's cut me off emotionally. There's this song "Because of you" from Kelly Clarkson, and while I suspect the song is about her mother- I hear it and I cry cause that is how I feel about him. "Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you- I am afraid."
And I have my better days. Days that I feel ok about my life. Days that I feel hopeful about my life. About my accomplishments and the direction I'm heading.
But
I'm heading there alone.
And that
really
really
fucking
sucks.
I got married so I wouldn't have to be alone.
I did not plan to raise three kids on my own.
And yeah, I'm a little pissed off about that.
Like I said, the present is painful.
Today hurts.
"Just for today" is no comfort- I prefer to look toward the unknown future- cause it's got to be better than this shit.
This too shall pass...my best friend Carrie always reminds of that. Thank God for that.
But until it does- I'll just keep look on to tomorrow.