So this is 2006 huh??

So it's New Years Day and since I can't watch the damn Rose Parade until tomorrow- I will go ahead and post some resolutions, resignations and a gratitude list. I really watch the Rose Parade. I love parades. Not the floats, but the marching bands, tall flag and dance teams. I find a weird comfort in the straight lines and diagonals of a parade block. The flow and unity of it, when it's right. It's an old drill team thing. I was the front right guide. I was NEVER out of step. Damn, I loved that!!!

Resolutions.
1. This year I am going to continue making my best efforts not to overdraw my checking account. Sounds simple for some of you who don't live paycheck to paycheck, but for those of us who do-well, it's not always as easy as it sounds.
2. I'm actually going to just try to be better with my money overall. Spend less when I have more. Save some for the lean months, because I know when they are.
3. Keep my house cleaner- even if it means hiring someone to come in and clean it for me.
4. Take Alex to the movies more often. I realized yesterday on our way to the movies that the last time I took him to the movies was LAST YEAR, for his birthday.
5. Potty train both babies. Gabe is 3 years old, Danny is two. They should BOTH be out of diapers by this time next year.
6. Continue to be more social. This is something that I have been practicing since I got into program. Spending time with friends and not declining invitations without a truly good reason to do so. I have spent alot of years not nurturing the friendships I have because I keep telling myself that they don't REALLY want to hang out with me.
7. Find another business. I did the candles and the stamps. I still sell Avon. I am seriously seriously considering pleasure parties- and no, not the instructional kind. The kind with lotions and lingerie and toys.
8. Work out. I joined the gym- so I need to use it. I am strangely comfortable being overweight lately, which is not good. I guess I am more comfortable with my insides, so my outsides don't bother me as much. But seriously, I have a family history of heart disease- and even my doctor mentioned that with my stress level, I really should do whatever I can not to fall over dead at 40.
9. Keep in touch with my friends. I am leaving my current job, and I need to stay in touch with the friends I have made. I am bad about that.
10. Get through my steps this year. I have to keep going with my program. I still have not done my third step, although I wrote it out months ago.
11. Anonymously blog about all of me... not just my al-anon stuff and my kids. I have a whole world of crap going on in my head and I wonder if this blog just presents me as this really sad woman with kids and a husband who is an alcoholic. I think I have alot more to say than just this.

Resignations.
1. I am NOT a good cook. I'd like to perfect a few recipes that my kids will injest, but I am NOT my mother. I cannot whip up something in 10 minutes with hot sauce, half a rotissie chicken and some onions.
2. I will never please my mother. It's just not possible. It doesn't matter what I do, or how well I do it. I will never be good enough in her eyes, and perhaps I have to accept that maybe the problem is her expectations, and not my actual output.
3. I do not want to be alone. I hate being single. I really really do. But I think that being on my own, sans male companionship is going to be important, when the situation presents itself.
4. I have really screwed myself up these past 7 years. I have such a skewed and ass backwards look of what marriage is supposed to be like. I have accepted unacceptable behavior, so much that it looks normal to me now. I need to find out what it means to be treated the way I deserve. I need to figure out what it is that I deserve and not settle for less than that.
5. I hate this disease. Addiction is the worst thing to ever touch my life, and I don't even have it!!! But I have to remember that it's a disease and I need to hate the disease not the person. (That's kind of like "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." Sorry, that line cracks me up every time.)

Gratitude List (and I'll just run it off)

My kids, they really are great kids.
My job (old and new)
my family
my friends
My sponsor
I have cable
I have dsl
I have a cell phone
I am starting to restore my credit
I have a place to live
I have a good relationship with my ex husband
I have accepted that Michael and I are going to be ok, regardless of what happens between us
I have love in my life, lots of it.
Flavored coffee creamer
My new boots (ok I'm not grateful for them, but I love them so much!!!)
And I am truly grateful for the fact that there is MORE that I could put on this list if I had the time. I have alot to be grateful for.

Happy New Year!!!!