The last post I wrote was probably foreshadowing for the rest of the week. I have a hard time keeping quiet lately- and sometimes I say things that I don't know if I mean. Today I put down a boundary with Michael- and really, I don't know if I mean it. I said it because it seemed like the right, appropriate and probably smart thing to say- but do I believe it? Will I really follow through with it?- I don't know. It was somewhat an impulsive comment, considering it does not at all take into consideration the plan of action that we already agreed upon. I don't want to fight with him, there's no point. It's over. I know it- he knows it. Why can't I just shut up??
I called my sponsor and she said I need to practice detaching, and turn it over to God. But God doesn't seem to be offering me any comfort today.
Freedom is a choice. I was reading that this morning. Freedom is a choice...my choice. I can choose to feel guilty about wanting it too. Michael told me today that the last two years have been all about me. WHAT???? He said that it's all been about me going to school and bettering myself and that I could not do that without him being there to take care of our children...ok...decent enough point. But why?- why did I want to go to school, better myself?- because I knew that he was not going to provide for me or the kids. Because I want to have a career that will hopefully provide for the family. And for the past three years I have been supporting him, (and putting up with all his unacceptable behavior) in exchange for him watching the kids. I guess it's a fair trade- if you take out the fact that we are married...
I guess in the end, I cannot make him do what I want him to do. I can't change him. I can't protect him. I have to just let him go. I don't know why that is still so hard. Is it because I really give a shit, or because I just want to control him. I don't think there is any salvaging anything here. He is using me, to support him and so maybe I should continue to let him live here and watch the kids so I can finish school and have my own life.... that is the thought that I keep juggling around. But it seems unlikely. It seems very very unhealthy for everyone.
I get alot of advice. A LOT. But in the end, I am the one who has to live with the end result. I am the one who will have to struggle with 12 hours in class, 36 hours of homework, and 40 hours at work- and these three boys. It's very easy for people who are not in my position to say that I can do this with a little bit of determination etc. etc.... And yes, I am certain that I CAN do it. I believe in myself enough to know that I can take this hard road alone, narrow and dark, the kids following me single file, and I hope they continue to walk behind me- and make us all suffer through it for the next two years, and come out successful on the end. But is it so wrong to suffer through the status quo?- take the road that is a little smoother, a little wider- but sometimes it rains alot. Neither of them are GOOD paths, but the end up in the same place. One is just a little better for those that are following me down it.
1 comment:
Do what you need to do. There's no solution that won't come with it's own set of consequences. I know you know that. You HAVE to think about you and the kids. Deep down Michael knows that too. He's just lashing out at the only person around to lash out at. I think about you every day. Miss you tons. Love you dearly.
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