Courage to Change

"I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I've sacrificed to worry and fear, I'd add years to my life."
Isn't that the truth. I have been doing my best lately- NOT to worry about Michael and his health. I have been pretty much ignoring what ever is wrong with him simply because he does not want my help, nor does he need it. But he's sick. He's very sick. He's depleting. I mean, he is so thin, and it's not a good thin. His skin is getting all splotchy, he has burning in his legs and sometimes his hands. He's always achy. Tonight he sat down and talked to me about how he was feeling, physically feeling. He really needs to be in the hospital. There is really something very wrong with him. He swears he's clean, and I believe him today. I don't know really how well he is managing his blood sugar. I have not been paying attention. He doesn't appear to be paying any attention to it other than to take some insulin at night. I still see him eating bad foods. But I never say anything. He has to suffer these consequences. But I still feel bad for him. It sucks to be sick, even if it's a somewhat self-induced sick. I suggested that he call the doctor tomorrow and have them admit him into the hospital for however many days it takes. Really get a diagnosis for his laundry list of symptoms. He says "I feel like I'm dying." Which sounds very dramatic, but in all honesty- he looks like he's wasting away. I sense that he wants me to take a concentrated interest. He feels very lonely, he doesn't have anyone to talk to.
It's not that I don't listen to him when he talks to me, it's just that.... well.... ok- right now, as I am typing- there is a half gallon of Extreme Moosetracks icecream next to my keyboard, a small pampered chef wooden spoon stuck in it- and I am taking bites intermittently as I type. Ok- so that being said, how much sympathy or even understanding am I going to get if I bitch about being overweight?? Eventually if every day I was posting about comsuming 4000 calories a day and why can't I lose any weight?-- you, dear readers- will stop reading, having come to the conclusion that I am just bitching and not really all that concerned with making any REAL changes. That is the conclusion that I have come to regarding Michael and his health. Based on his actions, I have concluded that as of today, he does not want to make any REAL changes. Maybe that will change. Maybe a week in the hospital- and a real good look at things to come will make a difference for him. I don't know. All I know, is that while I DO really care. I do have a interest in his health- I can't show him that. I can't do his worrying for him. I can't make the doctor appointments for him. I can not hold his hand through another hospital stay. I've done my time at his bedside. It never made on bit of difference.
But maybe he something will spark some change in him. It's not easy. I know that for sure. Change is hard for everyone. But just like I am walking through my changes alone- I have to let him walk through his. Alone.