"Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober....nothing I could do would make or break a person's sobriety."
I am NOT all powerful. I was never able to make my husband get sober. There was no crisis that I could create to make him decide to stop drinking before he was ready to do it. And also, nothing that I do is going to break that sobriety, if he has it, and if he wants to keep it. I think back at all the things I used to do, thinking that perhaps it would get him to stop drinking- and maybe if he was sober ONE night, he could be sober a FEW nights. I don't do that anymore.
He is not drinking anymore, and I believe that he's clean and drug-free. I can't be 100% certain. He was doing alright for a few days, but today he was particularly moody when I came home from lunch. He is angry and annoyed and I made the mistake of asking him, "what's the matter with you?" although I really didn't want to know. I know that it couldn't be MY fault, and today I am concent knowing THAT much.
The program has helped me accept that I can't make him do anything he does not want to do. It has helped me to stop obsessing about what he is and isn't doing all the time. That doesn't mean that I don't obsess about other things...but at leastI have learned to detach from his disease. I have let go of his drinking, and his drug use- and alot of his health issues. I can only take care of myself and the things that I can control. This program has taught me that I can only make my own decisions, and I have to live with whatever those decisions are. And Michael has to live with whatever his decisions are. That's his deal, not mine.
Some days, I am grateful for my powerlessness- it lets me off the hook. It says to me, "hey, that problem over there?- it doesn't have your name on it. let it go." And I can do that. And it doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I recognize that it's not my problem to fix- and there's no need to fret over it.
Today I'm powerless, and I mean that in a good way!!
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
2 comments:
It's funny how being powerless and be freed are the same in this instance. God wants to do everything for us and we tend to just give him the little problems while we try to handle the big ones. What a joke. I'm glad you are letting Him take care of you. You deserve the peace it will bring.
Keep a positive attitude. I know that's hard. I am a recovering alcoholic; my last drink was in October of 1981. I know what I went through. Everyone is different, but my wife tells me of times that I had mood swings, and I know I wasn't drinking. That's the power that the alcohol has over us....
Post a Comment