Slogans in Al-Anon

This post might end up being a little long, but I have a jillion thoughts in my head right now and I can't make sense of any of them. So I went to a meeting yesterday, with my sponsor. It was the first time she had been to THAT meeting, and I think she will continue going to it. I love that meeting. It's a very special group and we are a healthy meeting. I had not been in a while and it was nice to see the faces of these people again.
So I'm struggling with my feelings today about Michael moving out. My mother threw me for a loop and her help with watching the kids to keep my day care costs down is not as 'all inclusive' as she led me to believe. I am not sure how to take that news, but I will simply wait and see what happens with that. Aside from that- I am starting to visually SEE just how sick Michael is, physically. He looks like he's dying. It's frightening.
I have enough reason that I should not care. I have enough ammunition to gun him down with resentment and anger and disgust and all out rage. I do not need any more reason to walk away. But I have reasons to stop and reconsider. And I am confused about it, even though that is just me trying to play God. Me, thinking that there is something that I can DO to help him get better- even though the words, "I can't help you with that..." come out of my mouth without me even thinking them.
When I am away from my program, I am filled with indignation and completely confident in my decision to make him leave. I am also self-righteous and mean to him. I cease to be a loving, compassionate person to him. And maybe it's deserved, but it certainly doesn' t make me FEEL any better. I was thinking back to years past, when I was really in to my program, and he was still drinking. I had disappointments and things that really bothered me, but over all I was able to work through them. However, I had no boundaries... He used to spend money and lie and do all these things, and while I handled them with detachment and compassion- I never really did anything to prevent it from happening again. He had no consequences for his misdeeds. So while I used my program to maintain my sanity, I was not doing anything to protect myself or to stop being a doormat. I still don't do well with boundaries. I guess that is what asking him to move out is all about. Boundaries. If he is not here, he can't hurt me with the things he does. I can't seem to allow him to suffer the consequences of his decisions because it seems unkind and when someone is looking me in the face asking for help, I feel rotten for saying no when it is within my means to help. For instance, he is not working and therefore all of his money comes from me and my job etc. So if he needs cigarettes, I pay for them. And when money is tight, and he asks me for money for cigarettes, I get a little bent by that. So it has been suggested to me, "tell him no." "tell him to get a job" "tell him to quit smoking". Sounds easy right?? Well, yeah- anyone who knows me, knows that I just can't DO that. Smoking is kind of a weird thing anyway, cause he's an ADDICT by nature, so denying to someone who has smoked for more than half of his life one idle Tuesday just because I chose THAT day to get some balls is just asking for a fight. I know that I should encourage him to quit smoking, but man, I am hoping that he does that AFTER he moves out. I have no desire to be around THAT loveliness. Anyway, I guess my point is that him moving out is the only way I can stop him from taking advantage of me, because I am just not strong enough to put my foot down and say, "NO." at least not often enough.
So anyway, in the meeting yesterday, the Al-Anon slogans were read. And we throw around the slogans when they are appropriate, but when you hear them, along with a brief description, it sort of puts more meat on them:
(This is right from the Brochure Alcoholism, the family disease)
Let Go and Let God Every day there are decisions to be made and problems to be solved. When we notice irritations growing into tensions, tensions into near-panic, and old fears returning, it is time to stop and turn to God. We find that when we supply the willingness, He supplies the power.
First Things First Much of our confusion and frustration is due to our failure to deal with tasks and problems in the order of their importance. It does take discipline to put aside things we'd rather do, and attend to those of first important first. But the rewards are great: we get things done, we enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and we learn to face issues with a real sense of value and purpose.
Live and Let Live This is a reminder that most of us need--often. Our only concern should be our own conduct, our own improvement, our own lives. We are entitled to our own view of things, and we have no right to inflict in on anyone else.
But For The Grace of God When we are resentful and embittered over an alcoholic's behavior, it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair. But for the grace of God, we might have been afflicted by this sickness. Let us be thankful that we have the blessings of sobriety, and be willing to help the alcoholic find this blessing too.

"...it is well to remind ourselves that the alcoholic did not choose to carry this burden of misery and despair..."

I read this and think, where is my compassion? Where is my understanding. Where is my faith in God, and love and marriage? It's hard to separate the disease. I remember, when people are attacking my choices and attacking my life, that addiction is a disease of the body, mind and spirit. It's like a tornado, spinning out of control and picking up peices and throwing them aside with no regard. I am quick to remember that when it's convenient for me and I have to justify my decisions. I can come up with all kinds of love and compassion and understanding and I look like a freaking saint. But when it's just the two of us, standing toe to to with nothing but the debris from the tornado, that concept disappears pretty quickly and I have no compassion, no program, no higher power. And I just stand there and judge him for not being what I expected him to be.
And here we go again..... Pastor Ed suggested to me that I forgive him for not living up to my expectations. And I thought I did that. But I guess I didn't, if I have to keep doing it over and over again....
I don't know what the resolution to this post was. Just getting it out- I guess. Spinning my own wheels.
If you made it to the end of this post, I appreciate your patience and please leave me a comment. Any experience strength or hope you might have...