California Dreamin

The weather is so gloomy today- it doesn't feel like California at all, but I love it when it's a little chilly. The weekend turned out to be pretty good. The fund raiser was fun- I met some people, I danced to some Frank Sinatra and had a pretty good time. It was really nice to see some of the alcoholic counterparts of the ladies that I meet in my meetings. Couples who have survived this awful disease. I came home feeling emotionally exhausted and started the conversation with the dreaded question..."Do you even WANT to be married to me anymore??" I really didn't know the answer and I was oddly relieved when he said yes. I was honest with him, that I really want to stay- but I feel myself pulling away from this relationship. I can't stop it. It gets harder every time he has these depressive states. I told him I was lonely, and I have emotional needs, you know? I'm married- I'm NOT single. We're NOT room mates. I realize that he is going through something, but I at least wish we could be NICE to each other. I don't think that wanting love and affection from my husband should be like going to the hardware store for bread. It makes me so frustrated when I'm told that I my friends in program understand and support me, he can't, he won't. That doesn't fly well for me. I can't live like that. It's so unfair. I don't expect him to do cartwheels and throw me a party if I have a good day or accomplish something like a good grade on a test, but I think that my husband should at least be polite to me- be nice, encouraging, say a few kind words like, "good job honey" every once in a while.
It's only when he and I really start talking about our relationship that it comes clear to me how much I DO love him, and how much I don't want to walk out. Usually when we are talking honestly- and not yelling, I feel open and trust to tell him what is really in my heart, even if it's not good. And in the conversation, it feels like we sparked something, at least the knowledge of a common desire to stay together, which is more information than either of us had the day before.
Today I was working the questions in Paths to Recovery on Step Three and one of the questions was what can I do to Let Go and Let God when someone I love is making a decision I don't agree with. This was a question that reminded me so much of every on of Michael's bad days. What do I do to work the third step when he is bugging me. And today the answer is to pray, to put it in my God Box, to write- to detach. Let it go. I always take it personal. I always allow his depression to hurt me, as if he's TRYING to hurt my feelings, but I know he isn't. His disease, and his recovery is not about me. The same way that my recovery is not about him.
Today I only have to be married one day at a time. I don't have to think about the rest of my life... being in THIS marriage for the rest of my life. Who knows what it will be like tomorrow, or the next day, but I don't have to think about later- today. I can just focus on today- and today I'm grateful to have him around.
Gratitude list:
That I got to hold my friend's new baby, Pacey today- and even though it made me ache inside, I am grateful that my boys are not little babies anymore.
That Michael got me a capuccino for me this morning, before I even woke up- it was a really thoughtful gesture
My mom
Marie Calendar's $5.99 pies
Ok- so not much of a list, but I'm tired....