so don't you bring me down today

I heard Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful' on the radio this morning, and while on bad days I tend to relate to that song more than I care to admit- in general it's a really good message and I love that line, "don't you bring me down today." Kind of like, you know?- back off!!
Very appropriate for the evening I had. I saw my doctor for the chest pains I have been having and the EKG showed nothing abnormal which did not suprise me, but the doctor suggested that I am probably taking too many classes, with the kids and all my husbands issues. He said that he was glad that I was still going to AlAnon but chances are the chest pains are probably more stress and anxiety than anything else. Get some exercise, get some rest- same old deal, which did not suprise me. After the appointment, dear hubby called and wanted to fight with me about whatever he could think of. I did not tell him I had the Dr. appointment so maybe I wasn't at a Dr. appointment after all- I did not give him very much advance notice on my midterm (for an online class so it only meets for exams) so maybe I didn't REALLY have a test. He accused me of having so many commitments that I don't consider his schedule. Yeah sure, I have ONE commitment which is this Casino Night Fund raiser for the 2006 OC AA Convention- which is over on Saturday. I go to two meetings a week. I'm sorry I don't consier my JOB or even school a commitment that I take to get me out of the house- I call that work and an education (both of which have been the sole support of this family for the last two years AT LEAST). He accused me of screwing around, he accused me of lying to him. He said that he hasn't been able to take care of his medical problems because I have been so busy that he can't take care of himself. I calmly told him that he can blame me for whatever he wants to- but I'm not takin it. In two weeks I never shoved the candy down his throat, never forced him to drink a gallon of juice or milk of whatever. Never stopped him from taking his blood sugar, or his insulin shots. I simply kept living my life and did the same things that I have been doing every night for the few months. Going to work, going to school, going to meetings. He told me that I said I wanted these kids but I don't want to take care of them.
What I WANTED to tell him what to go straight to hell and how dare he accuse me of that. Working and going to school (which my AA degree was a big factor in me getting my new job) benefits the kids and while I am NOT home as often as I'd like to be- I have to work, I have to go to school and if I don't go to meetings, well- lets not go there. What I did say to him was, 'well I totally disagree with you'. He said that we need to talk about our situation (cause there is so much left to say??). I told him that maybe he should wait until he's calmed down, and he can decide later if he wants to talk. I told him that there's nothing to really talk about, neither of us are ready to make any big changes- and I told him that I accept the fact that the first year of sobriety is not supposed to be fun. He looked at me kind of suprised, I'm not sure if he was suprised that I KNEW that- or i perhaps he had not considered that. I know how unhappy he is. He cant live and he can't die. I feel for him, I really do. I love him, and I accept that he's struggling with every aspect of his life. I am trying not to take it personally.
This morning he wanted to talk a little program with me. It's the only way he thinks he can get me to listen to him about the things that are troubling him, by throwing in "I dont know what God wants from me..." Perhaps he's right, conversations based around Program seem to be neutral ground (and thank God there is SOME neutral ground). But I didn't have time. I overslept and I needed to get off to work. I tried not to tell him what his problems were, and what to do about them. I reminded him to pray, to turn it over to God and let it go.
And today I have to do that to. Let it all go. All my anger and frustration about my marriage- all my fears and anxiety about his health (and his problems that are not mine) , and all the stress about my own busy schedule. My sister in law reminded me of a sign she has on her desk that says "This is God, I am going to take care of all your problems today. I don't need your help, so have a good day."
If I am willing to listen, I always hear what I need to hear. Thank you Teri!! Congrats on 5 years!!