HALT

Today I was absolutely in HALT. I was Hungry most of the day, Angry and Tired. I guess if I thought about it, I could say I was lonely- but not so much. I was at work today and I spent alot of time with my friends, so no, not lonely, but definately the rest of them. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I didn't bring lunch and I didn't want to spend any money (of course by 2PM I was starving so I broke down and got a salad). And I was angry because Michael was just being a jerk. He can be so hateful, and I don't even like hearing his voice when he's got that tone. I slept on the couch because just being in the room with him made me feel uneasy and I just wanted to scream at him. I haven't spoken much to him today either, cause I just don't have anything to say- and being tired and angry, I know that I will just say the wrong thing and make it worse. I have not been so good and keeping my mouth shut and I need to practice that again because it works and it makes me feel better because I have nothing to feel guilty about. I usually feel so damn guilty all the time because I am always saying or doing something that makes me feel guilty, even if I shouldn't feel bad, I just do. But I know if I just keep my mouth shut, I will have nothing to feel bad about- and it frees me from guilt. Freedom from the bondage of self. what an amazing concept.
Pastor Ed suggested that I go to marriage counseling if this marriage is something I want to keep. I have been resisting it, because it seemed like putting the cart before the horse, but perhaps this is as close to recovery as Michael is ever going to be- so maybe it's a good idea to have a safe place to communicate. I don't know if he will want to go to counseling, he said before that he would- but I'm sure it's just like with everything else, he will want to go some days, and other days- he will refuse. I guess I just don't have any faith in him to be reliable to take care of this marriage. Why would I?? I guess I need to try to have a better attitude- but today it's hard. I'm tired and angry today- so nothing I say can be taken TOO seriously because I'm thinking on emotion.
I reread my third step writing today. I feel like I have a good idea about taking the third step. I know that I have to stay in action to continue to turn my will over to my Higher Power. I have to pray, write, read or call. I can't just sit in the bad feelings and twist myself up about everything. I have to let it go. Last night I got on my knees and prayed, not something I do very often, but I actually got on my knees. I was out on the couch (ugh) and I just prayed for whatever his will for me is, knoweldge of that- and that power to carry that out. I also prayed to get at least one good hour of sleep and to take these crazy thoughts away from me. And as I closed my eyes and started to relax, I felt the tension lift away. I dont know if that was my body going into a rest mode, but I actually FELT lighter and I was aware of those feelings. As I drifted to sleep, I said thank you- and while it was only an hour- I did get a solid hour of restful sleep and while I was still tired, it was enough to get me through the day. I know that God is listening if I am willing to reach out for Him. I believe it.