not a great day

He has been down and depressed since Sunday- and so when he snaps out of it, I am always MORE apprehensive than when he's depressed. I am better able to handle his depression- because I know what to expect. It's when he's feeling up that makes me anxious. I don't know what to expect. He acts as if things are ok between us and as if we have not spent the last week plotting the other persons demise. And then days like today- we just play nice. Each time, it takes a little bit more out of me- when he just comes around and acts all nice to me- like we are this normal married couple. He's understanding and supporting of me being out tonight until 11 at the fundraiser. Maybe it makes me apprehensive because I don't even want to have hope that things might some day get better for us. I'm always disappointed when he goes back into his depression- and he always does. He may be better today- but I suspect my Monday it will be back to normal. Funny how that feels normal to me. I guess I'm just sad today.

I have to just let go of all those feelings of anxiety. Give them over to God and forget about it. I just have to take care of myself. I don't even want to go tonight to this fundraiser, but I made a commitment and I have to keep it. I know that I will be uncomfortable and feel out of place- I always do. Yesterday when we were putting the baskets together, I felt out of place. They didn't really need me, or ask my opinion on anything. I am ok when it's just my sponsor and me, but when other people are around- I feel like a little kid. Maybe it's because even at 33, I'm younger that most of the people in that group. I am new to service, I'm generally pretty new to program (even though I've been coming and going since 1999). I just don't feel like I fit. But I know I have to go. Take some direction and just go and complete my commitment. After tonight, it's over. I will think again about getting involed in service at this level. I felt uncomfortable at every planning meeting- like I didn't belong there. I am just feeling less than...and inferior to... I know that is just me though- because I know that people do not think that about me. I know that people do not dismiss me as someone who is unimportant. It's just me and my own crap again. I should have gone to a meeting today. I guess I will go tomorrow.

I know these feelings are not real. I know they are 99% hormonal. Ed says that feelings are not facts, and faith is a commitment. So I need to stay in my commitments and forget about how I feel. I know that- today I just don't much feel like doing it. I feel like just going to bed and staying there- shutting off the kids and Michael, and shutting off God and ignoring what I know. But I know that is no good. I can't do it. My concept of misery has been ruined by this program- because now I can only blame myself for it. I guess I should be grateful for that. (laughing).