Gratitude

I am seriously in need of gratitude today. Even if I'm reaching for straws. Sometimes I wonder if I am really doing Michael any favors by staying married to him, because I just don't know if I'm ever going to get past all my issues of trust. Maybe he doesn't deserve trust. Today, I don't know. What I DO know is that if I am going to be married today, I need to be grateful cause right now I just feel tense and resentful...
So here goes, and maybe some of these will be straws I'm reaching for, but I know I need it.
I think I did well on my bio test. I felt alright about it, I am certain I passed and maybe did better than my last test, in which I got a 70. Grateful that I came home and had the good sense to put my kids right in the bath, cause now they are clean and ready for bed- and it settled them down. Grateful that Alex is home. Grateful that Alex's dad has offered to take him trick or treating. Grateful that Alex thought being a vampire for Halloween was a good idea, that we have just about all we need for THAT costume except the teeth. Grateful that the teeth only cost .69 cents. That's the cheapest Halloween costume ever. That all the things that I've lost are just 'things'. I remember hearing an Alateen speaker say once, if I lost my car- I would not lost everything, I would just be less one truck. So I know that there are things I've lost over the years. Things that were 'casualties' to the disease, they are just things. I'm glad I have the good sense to see that on a day that I would otherwise pull up every misdeed and ball it up in one big batch of resentment. I'm grateful for the Wiggles, cause Gabe used to love them, and now Danny does. And they are fun to watch, and it makes the boys laugh when I sing and dance along. Grateful that my boys think I'm funny, and that they are glad to see me when I come home. I LOVE coming home to Gabe yelling, MAMA!!!- Look Daddy, it's MAMA!!! At least someone is glad to see me. My Bio teachers jeep got stolen yesterday, I'm grateful that I have my van. I don't even care that it's a beast, that it leaks when it rains and then smells like mildew. It runs, it seats my family. I feel safe in it, it has a radio. I'm already ahead of the game. I'm grateful for my sponsor. I feel such a void lately because we have not been able to get together. She has been really busy so we have not been talking on email and we are not going to the same meetings lately. It feels good when she leaves me messages and tells me that she misses talking to me, and tells me she loves me. She's really the ONLY person who consistently tells me that she loves me at least once a day. Wow, that's kinda sad- but then again, she means it. It's pure and she doesn't want anything in return from me. I am grateful for the friendships that I am building lately. Like with Sarah. I have known her for years but lately we seem to be talking alot since we carpool and she is so easy to talk to. She listens, and doesn't judge, even when she could. Sometimes I talk too much, and leave myself wide open for judgement- but she doesn't. She may not agree- but she respects my decisions and just supports me. I have taken alot of the stress out of my friendships. I don't want to have to impress anyone, and I don't want anyone to have to impress me. It's nice that I can catch up with my friends, once a week- or maybe twice a month- and it's ok. There is no guilt. Grateful for Keri who just brings a calm to my heart. Just hearing her voice or reading an email makes me smile. She tells me she misses me- and I know she means it. I love having friends that love me and are gentle with me. I love having friends that I can bitch about motherhood to, like Christine- who totally understands the days that I am about to lose it with all these kids- and she can laugh when I tell her that I'm about to kill them all- cause she knows how I feel, and knows that I won't. I love having my best friend Carrie- who just knows me. Period. She just knows me. I'm grateful for my mom- who I just didn't understand for many many years. I thought she would never understand me- and therefore never respect me. But she respects me enough to just let me be. She loves me and loves my kids. Friday night she wants me to come over and we can make cookies for a party we are both going to on Saturday. At first I thought that she just didn't want my to be lazy and buy them, like I was going to- but then I thought that maybe there was a possiblity that she just wants to spend some time with me. yeah, that's possible. I never considered she would just want to be around me- but I think she does. That's cool. Grateful that someone I know shared with me that he was in program, AA not Alanon. Grateful that I could share my program with him. That I can share the speaker CD's I have with him. It also helps me be a little less annoyed with this person, cause he can be a but bothersome at times- but it's funny, now that I know he's in program- his tendencies make all the sense in the world. And I'm grateful that God put someone in my life today that reminded me what it's like to be new in program and I can share my experience with him. How invaluable my sponsor is, and how much I love AA and the Big Book and how blessed I feel to have a 12 step program in my life. I like being able to share it with people from my 'real life' and have them know what I'm talking about. So I'm grateful to him, whose name I will not mention- cause, well, you know.... Grateful that while there is not a ton of food in my house, there IS food here if I want to cook it. Grateful that the battery on my phone died so I was not able to help Michael when he ran out of gas because it would have made me late for class. Grateful that he was able to handle his problem on his own. What do you know, things DO happen without my help.
I could probably stop writing now, but I'm afraid if I do, I will go right back into resentment. Alex is mad at me. He asked me if he could stay up late, like he always does- and I said yes, as long as he had everything ready for tomorrow by 8:30. Have his clothes ready for tomorrow- any papers signed, his weather report. It's 8:45 and his clothes are not ready, and his weather report is not done. He does this EVERY TIME I let him stay up late. There is always SOMETHING that he didn't do until last minute- so now he has to go to bed. And he's mad at me. Well, that's too bad. He can be mad- but he didn't hold up his end of the deal. I feel bad and I want to let him stay up regardless. Actually it's about 5 minutes to 9 anyway, so he only really lost about 5 minutes. It's not that tragic, regardless of what he thinks. No wonder he doesn't like coming home. I think when he stays at my mom's house, he has more time in the morning. Well, he can be mad at me. I'm his mom, not his friend. You can't be both.
Well Gabe is dancing around to the Wiggles and I can't resist but to go dance with him...