One Day at a Time

Todays reading is about waiting before we make a major decision, visualizing the outcome to all people involved and examining my own faults in the situation.
When I read things like I always think it's a message from my higher power, telling me to STOP what your doing...(cause I'm about to ruin, the method of rhyme that your used to.... sorry, had to bust into song.) But it's true. I'm starting to question the big changes that are happening.
My last day at my new job is in one week. I am going to start cleaning out my desk, maybe come in to work on Saturday and take down all my personal stuff- so next week I can start training my replacement and walk out next Friday with just my purse. I don't want to leave here with a box of my personal belongings and tears in my eyes. I need to start the break now. But I am starting to worry. Starting to wonder if I am making a huge mistake. I am going to put one foot in front of the other, and just keep moving forward and not think about the rest of my life, or even the rest of the month. Just get up every day and live that day to the best of my ability.
I was also faced with guilt about Michael last night. I am not exactly sure what happened but I am apparently being blamed for him not having anyone to talk to. He had some sort of argument with his family and it seems they are offering him help that he is not too eager to take. I didn't press him for too much information because he was angry. But the jist of it, was that it was my fault for something he claims I said to his mom, but I didn't say anything she didn't already know. But I felt guilty, because nobody wants to be alone, it sucks to FEEL alone. And I know that he is.
My sponsor did not answer the phone, so I called a friend- someone who I knew would give me a straight answer and not let me backslide. I heard what I needed to hear...it's NOT my fault. It is not my fault that he has alienated himself. I cannot take responsibility for his every emotion, even if I want to.
So this morning, when I read that page in my book- my initial thought was, "hmmmm am I considering everything? Perhaps if was a little bit nicer...perhaps if I was not in school and was a better wife...maybe maybe maybe."
But then I remembered that I HAVE considered everything. I have tried to be patient, I have tried being kinder, gentler. I have my problems, but in this marriage I am NOT THE PROBLEM. The problems lie with him. His inability to take care of himself. He refusal to take care of his health, not working, and not contributing as a functional part of this family. It's not about love, it's about survival. And I can't survive here.
I can't enable him any more. I can't feed my co-dependent ego by rescuing him because I am not helping him and only hurting myself. I have to keep telling myself that. Co-dependency doesn't help anyone. Rescuing him is only prolonging whatever pain that will eventually cause him to seek help on his own.
Last night in my meeting we talked about accepting grief and pain. There was a woman there who talked about the loss of her son, and she was so honest and so brave. She was in so much pain, and she has no choice but to let go and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Her pain is so much greater, her loss is so much more. But she can be honest with herself. Feel the pain when it hits and do what it takes to walk through it. I have to just walk through it. My pain is not unique. My problems are not any different than the thousands of other families who suffer this disease. I just have to stay my course and keep on walking. It only hurts for a little while...