the down side

I could not sleep last night. I had so much on my mind and I was in a mental twirl. The e-husband had gone to bed early and I had dozed off on the couch for about an hour. So when I attempted to actually crawl into bed at the decent hour of 11, I just lay there. Wide awake.

I was thinking about my friend who confided that her 20 year marriage is going down the tubes. I'm such a fucking asshole sometimes and I said "After 20 years, why bother moving on?" But I wish I hadn't said it- because I would never mean to make light of someone elses situation, simply because I make light of my own. She said that her husband blamed HER for his 'bad behavior'- and said that she drove him to this other woman. She said she felt unworthy. It pissed me off, and made me feel guilty. I remember telling Paul, "Well maybe if you hadn't been such a bastard....." What a cunt I was back then. And sometimes I do feel quite justified in my actions and my thinking, but really- I make my own decisions.

"Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, when you think 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it', and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." - Alice, Closer

I told her that no matter what he says, it's not HER fault.

Three gals, all at different ages and stages of marriage:

Age 27, recently filed for divorce.
Age 35, separated and in limbo.
Age 49, married and in turmoil.

We talked about comfort and consistency. Why we stayed, and when it's time to go. How we loved the men they were, or who we thought they were- but then realized that we have no idea who they ARE. How age and time and experience has changed our views. E-husband and I have been together so long, I can't imagine being without him. I am almost resigned to that. She (49) said that she never wants to simply be 'tolerated'. And I think that is where I am with him. I 'tolerate' it. It's not an unbearable situation so I'm trying to see if I can make it stick in my head. It doesn't mean it's good- it means that it's just not unbearable.

While laying in bed, I thought about the last 10 years. The first two years. All it took was for one person to cuddle up to the next person and we were all over each other within minutes. Connected, loving, and everything seemed good. Who were those people? What happened to them? Did they ever really exist?? Out of loneliness, a longing for the familiar- I rolled over and layed up against him. I hooked my arm over his and caressed his bare shoulder until he woke up. It wasn't that I wanted sex, but I just wanted to know... something.

He woke up and shrugged me off. Got out of bed, went into the restroom. He was sick. I hadn't noticed earlier- but I could hear him throwing up.

That couple is gone. I need to wrap my head around THAT. It won't ever be what it was. It won't ever be what I want it to be. Like all couples, we have periods when things are calm, when things are hectic, when things are rough. But it's the quiet moments at 2AM in the dark. When you reach for each other. When your legs touch under the blanket, and the best you can do to connect is just stay touching and not move away from each other. It may not seem like much, but sometimes it's all you have. Maybe I should have just opted for the leg touching under the blankets- but with his nerve damage, he would not have felt me there and while we may have seemed connected, really we wouldn't be because someone wasn't making a choice to move or stay.

And that is pretty much how it is all the time.