We were with the e-husband yesterday for Gabe's birthday. We had a really fun day with minimal stress. He didn't come back home with us as planned, and while I was apprehensive at first about him coming to visit, I admit I was a bit disappointed when he said he wasn't coming back with us.
It's hard to explain. I don't know that I understand it myself. In the pool, we cuddled up a bit. Nothing inappropriate, but you know- he had his arms around me and such. During the day when we met in the hall, or someplace private, we would kiss. He would brush his arm over my shoulder or across my back when he walked by me. Things that seem perfectly normal for a married couple.
But nothing is perfectly normal for us. We are not a perfect OR normal and I we are not really a couple. We're just still married.
The problem is that I am still in love with him. I still wish for a life with him, where things are not the way we are now. I still somewhat hope for that slim chance that things might turn around for him. He is sick and is always going to be sick- but there are levels of sick. Sick and manageable, sick and unmanageable, and hospitalized. He is sick and manageable about 50% of the time and that 50% is pretty decent. When he's here, he helps out. He takes care of the kids and cooks and cleans and he is very husband-like. It's the OTHER 50% that makes our life together damn near impossible. 50% is not enough when you need to rely on someone at any moment. 50% of the time means that there is a better than average chance that when I come home after having a horrible day- chances are, he will be sick, in bed, in a lousy mood and debating whether or not to go to the hospital.
I have been advised both ways. That I should cut and run, or that I should stay and be the wife that I vowed to be (knowing full well at the time that it he was an alcoholic and it was not going to be an easy road). Maybe I didn't know exactly HOW hard of road it was going to be, but who does?? That if he was hit by a car and severely injured, would I leave him?? Of course not. Even if he was jaywalking and was hit and severely injured, I probably wouldn't leave him for being sick. Even if that meant he was wheelchairbound and needed help with all the everyday living stuff. His illness was self inflicted (or at least the result of a bad choices and denial). I am just unsure if my problem is that he's sick, or is it that I can't forgive him for the bad choices and denial that got him sick.
Will I ever be ready and willing to forgive and move on? Will I ever stop dredging up the bullshit that we went through when he was drinking, and drugging? Will I ever stop being ashamed? What does it take to truly find forgiveness.
Nobody judges my husband more than I do. And really, what right do I have? If I am talking about being a 'good spouse'- am I the pot or the kettle??
I am not so perfect, you know??
About Me
- Julie
- Using my 40's as a do-over for my thirties, only smarter. I often mistake the bees and honey reference with the one about free milk and a cow. This might explain my whole life.
3 comments:
I have no words to offer, except, perhaps, an "Oh, chick" and an offer of a hug.
i'm wondering if you can opt out of "both ways" and find another way that works for you.
things you've written make it sound as though he'd love to have you back. and you're just a bit open to that.
given your history (that i don't know really) can you two sit down and create something that works? create a contract that spells it all out? do you really have to be exclusive? can you honor the good you do give each other, and be open to finding what you don't get from each other, from someone else?
if he doesn't have to be the everything and the perfect man to you, maybe the judgement would recede?
Hmm... it sounds like a difficult situation to be in, one with no simple answer. Are you in love with the person that he is, or the person that he should be or could be? Is 50% enough? Hugs to you, Jules... do what makes you happy...
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