Yesterday on the way to work I heard Alanis Morrisette, Unsent. In which she sort of has 2 sentence closure with men in her past. It got me thinking about what I would say to old boyfriends and lovers of my past if I just had two or three sentences. It really is quite a cumbersome list and who do you choose? Just lovers? Just ones you considered 'boyfriends'? Ones that were intense but short lived?- all of them? I don't know. I guess just ones that I have something to SAY to. But really, the more I thought about it- the more I realized that I don't HAVE a lot of unfinished business. I'm all about closure when it's over. And usually I do the breaking up. I hate the 'not knowing' or feeling like there is something he didn't know. Don't stop beating the horse until it's dead.
But for the hell of it- I thought I would throw some out there, just to rattle my brain a bit and see what leaks out.
Bill- You are an ass and I can't believe you lied and told all your friends we were having sex. By the way, I fooled around with John and Mike after we broke up because they were consoling me. We didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I don't care.
Jason K- You were my first and I know that I said I loved you. At the time I thought I did, but you know, I just went out with you to piss off Bill- and it worked. And every time we broke up, I went back to him- and for a long time afterwards. But I'm sure your stalking efforts figured that out. He's fine, by the way. He says hello.
Steve- I saw you in the grocery store a year or so ago with your wife or girlfriend and I know you recognized me, but I could not remember if I actually had sex with you. Apparently we did. Not my best moment.
David- Would it have killed you to mention the GAY thing before I totally fell for you?
Robert- You are very important to me. I'm glad you're still part of my life and I'm most glad that despite all my best efforts, I was not the woman who fucked you up the most.
Trever- You were one of those moments that changed my life and affected me forever. Probably not for the best but I was a different person then, and I while I am not proud of my behavior, it makes me glad to know that it worked out for you. And living well is the best revenge. She won. Karma is a bitch. It moved in, slept on my couch and didn't pay rent.
Paul- You inspired me to get my education and I plan on sending you an invitation to my graduation party. I'm so happy for your success. But really, we both deserved better. We did have a lot of fun and had some good memories, like the trip to Vegas and some quality time spent on a picnic bench in Wyoming.
I think I'll stop there.... I'm gettin all misty.
Here's a guy who had some serious closure issues. It's a long list, but it's freakin hilarious for those of us twisted fucks who have a trashy sense of humor. a la "me"
If the link doesn't work, paste this into your browser.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/203730169.html
excerpt:
Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.
Meagan - Here are some things you shouldn't do: Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him.
Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do.
So enjoy that little bit of CRAZY.
And be sure to come back lots this month while I attempt to be a daily blogger.
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