Perhaps the most severe damage to those of us who have shared some part of life with an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault. We may feel it was something we did or did not do- that we were not good enough, not attractive enough, or not clever enough to solve this problem for the one we love. These are our feelings of guilt.
Sometimes it's just important to remember. I can't feel guilty forever. Today around 9 AM, this feeling of anxiety came over me. I woke up feeling kind of hyper and in a good mood, but as it wore off as I got into my day.... the tightness in my chest began and I could feel my body temperature rise as well as my heart rate. I took half a crazy pill (Xanax) and then I picked up the phone and called e-husband. He did not answer. I left a message, checking on him. Letting him know I was checking on him since I knew he had not been feeling well. He called me about an hour later- he was in the ER.
The condition known as diabetic ketoacidosis occurs when the body has no insulin. This leaves the muscle, fat, and liver cells unable to use glucose (sugar) in the blood as fuel. Other hormones such as glucagon, growth hormone, and adrenaline cause fat to break down within the cells of these tissues into glucose and fatty acids. These fatty acids are converted to ketones by a process called oxidation. The body is literally consuming muscle, fat, and liver cells for fuel. (taken from ehealthmedicine.com)
I knew he had the flu, but the stress that the dehydration puts on his body causes his blood sugar to spike. This happens almsot every time. I knew it was coming, it was about time. Part of me wondered if it would not have happened if he was living at home. If somehow I could have been there, known he was sick and really helped him to manage it. yes, it's alot of work, glucose checks every hour- the whole deal. yes he can do this on his own, but when you've got the flu and a high fever...well, nobody is completely alert and oriented. So now he's in the hospital, because nobody was there to take care of him. And I feel guilty about it. Guilty because there is nothing I can do to help him, and I will always feel that desire to want to. Guilty because I senses that something was wrong. I sensed it all weekend. On Friday when we spoke, something in his voice said, "I'm not ok." and I did what I do best. I ignored it. At least he had the good sense to get to the Emergency Room.
He is not helpless. He did all he could do on his own, but he knew it was getting worse, so he went in. He does not NEED me. He lives on without me. I know that. I claim no glory for saving his life. But I still FEEL something for him. We are still close. I still love him. I just can't live with him anymore. I've been over all this. Right now, he is bad for me. He brings me down, I keep him down by not forcing him to get up. So I'm trying to stay up, he's trying to get up on his own. WE are not trying together, we are struggling, apart. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. Don't make any sudden moves. Maybe it will pass.
"When two people love each other but just can't seem to make it work, when do you get to the point of 'enough is enough'?"
I can't even answer that right now- but go ahead and guess the movie.
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