Dark and Twisty

I have these dark and twisted days. Usually when I'm off my meds it happens, but I'm not. I just feel frustrated and angry.

E-husband is leaving today. In good time. He never fails to remind me why we are no longer together. Why we live apart, why we may never live together...ever...again. I always take it personally. I always feel guilty when he gets sick when he's visiting the boys.

Did I mention that he always gets sick after he's come to visit? Now, as far as I can tell he gets sick every 3 to 5 days, regardless of WHERE he is- so that is probably not my fault. But there is guilt there. Because there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. And really, I don't want to even care.

I used to care too much. I used to overwrought with guilt day and and day out, because I could not help him. Not from day one. I know, not my fault. I know that. I know that it wasn't my job to help him. It was not my role. I made no promises and nobody holds me accountable for saving him. But still, I still feel horrible about it. I still have this nagging feeling deep in heart that maybe it WAS my fault. That maybe there was something I could have done. And my response to that now, is to run. Turn and walk away. I can deal with him when he's happy and feeling semi decent. When he's not, I feel guilty, and I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I'm a "fair weather wife" now. I have done the Worse, the Sickness and the Poorer. I don't want to do any more of it. I'm ready for the Better, Health, and Richer.

So today I am just feeling twisted. Running. I feel like running. Actual running, which I never do. Because that will release the ache in my chest. It's the same ache that I get when I stop taking my meds. Anxiety. I take a daily pill for it, but it seems like time for reinforcements.

Captain Xanax to the rescue.